TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 7
JANUARY 10, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Tonight on Total Divas, Maryse’s “Sex in the City” party is happening, and hop in the time machine for that time that Natalya defeated Naomi for the title at Summer Slam. Oh, and I’m sure Lana argues with someone (because that’s every episode involving Lana).
The show opens with Lana getting some training advice from Dolph Ziggler about training. Too bad Dolph doesn’t have a WWE girlfriend, because E! could probably do a better job of making him appealing than WWE… Lana then shares the magic of her personality by telling Nattie how great she’s going to be when she takes acting classes. Lana lays it on thick, which really makes me wish that Lana could just have her own segment of Total Divas, because I’m tired of watching her argue with everyone. Honestly, the constant arguing makes her seem a little psycho, and I’m not sure what demographic that appeals to, other than not me.
Moving on, Nia Jax and the Bellas are in a car en route attempt to score Nia a date. No segue, Nattie is going to see a vocal coach. Nattie and Trin have left without Lana. As you can tell this didn’t go over awesome with Lana. Back to Nia and the Bellas and checking out firemen. So, basically fireman cliches. Back to Nattie and Trin and the vocal coach. He wants them to try lip trills. Everyone can do it on the first take but Nattie. Nattie, who just set some record for appearing in the most PPV matches of any female “Superstar” is having stage fright. Commercial.
Back from commercial, Nattie and Trin pretend argue in public. A little boy says Nattie’s promo was better. Eh. So, the Bellas are going to help Nia get a dress, because god forbid there be an episode of this show without them? Anyhoo, 17 minutes in Nia is trying on dresses and also cries. She doesn’t want to be humiliated at this party. There’s a body positivity moment here.
And then it’s just the Bellas in a car. They argue about Nikki having an appearance and Brie not being part of the appearance. Evidently, as an audience member who watched god knows how many seasons of Brie talking about wanting to have kids and be a mom – now that she is, I guess I’m supposed to understand that she’s achieved that goal and it simply isn’t enough because she needs the adoration of a crowd of people? What’s that sound? Oh, it’s the world’s smallest violin playing. Commercial.
25 minutes in: Alexa Bliss cameo. It was like 25 seconds. 26 minutes into the episode: Sheamus appears in a hotel lobby where Nia is texting a party invite to one of the firemen she met in the previous episode. And Bella Twins. Brie feels left out and forgotten, so Nikki has that story about her magical comeback and also being left out and forgotten. It turns out that I didn’t miss either of them when they were gone, nor do a I feel a great sense of loss watching the current incarnations of the women’s divisions of which they are not part, so, like they’re half right.
Now, onto this party. Yeah, I didn’t watch SITC when it was on the air, don’t expect references. Anyway, Lana has declared that she’s a Samantha. The participants get on a party bus en route to the party. 30 minutes in and Nikki does a breakdown of which lady wrestler is what percent which SITC character. I look forward to the day Maryse throws a Golden Girls party, since I am totally a Dorothy. Anyway, Nia needs a drink because the guy she’s invited has shown up. Yup, she’s nervous like a “15 year old girl.” And commercial.
The Bellas abandon Nia with her date so that they can have some alone time. According to Nikki, “Nia and this guy are like connecting so much!” Okay, dude, they’re awkwardly making small talk at a party, let’s not start planning the house-warming party yet. Anyway, Nia gets on the house mic and let’s everyone know there’s going to be a surprise, which is that she’s going to do an impromtu fashion show. So, like, there’s dancing and photos and drinking. 38 minutes in: another Sheamus appearance. Nia and Jonathon make more small talk, and then leave. No segue, it’s the next day and Nia, the Bellas, and Lana get out of a car and discuss Nia’s date. Then they sit at a restaurant and google Jonathon… and commercial.
Back to googling Jonathon… who is a porn actor. They discuss his theoretical porn career. Oh, hey, it’s SummerSlam. SummerSlam is when Natalya tied Trish Stratus’s record for the most PPV matches for a female “Superstar.” Also, 47 minutes in and you get a shot of the back of Tyson Kidd’s head as he and Nattie walk into the venue. T.J. and Nattie kiss. She declares it the worst kiss ever. Anyway, one minute later and the Miz finally appears in the episode, backstage with Maryse, who tells him all about Nia’s date and shows the porn clip (which is blurred out). No segue, the Bellas and some unidentified woman are in a car, it’s 7:30 p.m., they’re on their way to SummerSlam, and are apparently unaware that the pre-show (and therefore the actual show) starts at 7 p.m. Yup. So, John Cena’s match opens the show, and whatever Nikki was planning on doing – she missed it. You’d think that she and her fiance would have discussed that? Well, if you were me you’d think that there ought to be some communication skills there. They show Cena doing his entrance, and the Bellas (and unidentified woman) are still in the car. Commercial.
So, Cena is wrestling Baron Corbin as they’re driving to the building. So, Nikki got there in time to sit at a plastic table and watch the match on a TV backstage. Anyway, Brie is at the PPV to talk to Mark Carrano. So, yeah, Mark Carrano appearance 55 minutes into the show, in the event that you had a drinking game. Bryan makes an appearance here, if you want to watch his performance of saying “yeah” in agreement. Fingers crossed for a third Sheamus appearance? What, a girl can dream, right? Oh, hey, it’s time for Nattie and Naomi to have their match. They show snippets of ring entrances. And then there’s match footage. Inevitably, Naomi submits to the Sharpshooter, and Nattie finally wins the Smackdown Women’s championship. Everyone claps for Nattie backstage, and she and T.J. hug. And then a bunch of people hug Nattie, and she cries. Happy ending.
Next week: Lana is a farmer, the Bellas bicker over the launch of Birdee Bee, will Rusev and Lana buy a house in Bulgaria, and Big Cass hurts his knee.