SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it’s time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul “NXT” Levesque, Runjin Singh, Ed Koskey, B.G. James and WWE President C. Montgomery Burns McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year’s supply of Flavor Ice. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by The Steve Harvey Collection. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for where he talks Mr. McMahon into creating the XLS. (“Where’s my soccer?”)
I’d like to thank WWE for adding details to the Rumble card over the last 48 hours, ensuring that this aticle would be written, rewritten and re-rewritten multiple times before being published.
Before we get down to business, let’s get to this month’s edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on January 24, 1998 the World Wrestling Federation aired an episode of Shotgun Saturday Night from the Selland Arena in Fresno, California. There’s no better way to open a show like this than with the legendary rivalry between Max Mini and El Torito. Michael Cole & Kevin Kelly had the call.
What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I’m glad you asked! On January 26, 2003, WWE aired a pretaped episode of Sunday Night Heat, recorded in Providence, Rhode Island. How about this for a main event? It’s one for the ages as Maven Huffman squares off with “Harvard” Chris Nowinski. Jonathan Coachman & Amy “Lita” Dumas had the call.
Did you catch WWE Mixed Match Challenge? No? Watch it now (sort of). This week’s episode has Asuka & The Miz battling Big E. & Carmella. Michael Cole, Beth Phoenix & Corey Graves have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)
Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, Stephanie McMahon & Booker T. Huffman will be announcing the show, while Renee Young, David Otunga, Peter Rosenberg and friends appear on the All-Star Panel, I mean, the WWE Network preshow. On with the program!
Gran Metalik, Kalisto & Lince Dorado vs. Drew Gulak, Kingsman Jack Gallagher & TJP: I like the idea of the Whole Lotta Lucha trio, but we need to elevate some heels with the departure of Enzo Amore. Projection? Gulak pins Dorado with the spinesplitter. Long live the Drew Train!
Backstage, Daniel Bryan asks Kevin Owens if he is okay to wrestle on his bad leg. Owens says that like Daniel Bryan, they’ll have to carry him out on a stretcher to keep him from wrestling tonight. (Spoiler: They won’t actually use the words “wrestle” or “wrestling”.)
The Good Brothers vs. The Revival: It’s the long-awaited rematch from the main event of Monday night’s Raw 25th Anniversary event. (Actually, I’m happy that DX and the Balor Club didn’t load Dawson & Dash into a giant crate and have them shipped back to the Performance Center.) Projection? Gallows pins Wilder after the Magic Killer. Next!
Bobby Roode’s Glorious United States Title Open Challenge: I know many people are ready for the big Bobby Roode-Dolph Ziggler rematch for the WWE United States Title, and it would be great to have Dolph Ziggler return to television. There’s a problem with this scenario. It doesn’t make any damn sense. Projection? Dolph Ziggler comes out first. The Showoff announces he’s too good to be United States Champion, which is why he abandoned that belt. Daniel Bryan has agreed to put Dolph in the Royal Rumble. Dolph promises to win the Rumble and get a shot at AJ Styles.
Then Rhyno shows up to answer Roode’s actual challenge. Roode defeats the Manbeast to retain the title.
Finally, with the departure of Enzo Amore, WWE takes the opportunity to get Nia Jax over as a heel with the Philadelphia crowd by having her arrive with her rebound guy, New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. (Most any single NFL player would work in this spot, but Gronk is the funniest option.) Let’s move on to the main show.
2018 Women’s Royal Rumble match, Order of Entry: 1. Nikki Bella. 2. Brie Bella. 3. Beth Phoenix. 4. Sarah Logan. 5. Mickie James. 6. Naomi Uso. 7. Carmella 8. Sasha Banks. 9. Asuka . 10. Peyton Royce. 11. Alicia Fox. 12. Liv Morgan. 13. Kelly Kelly. 14. Bayley. 15. Tamina Snuka. 16. Ruby Riott. 17. Sonya Deville. 18. Becky Lynch. 19. Shayna Baszler. 20. Kairi Sane. 21. Nia Jax. 22. Lita. 23. Natalya. 24. Mandy Rose. 25. Dana Brooke. 26. Serena Deeb. 27. Billie Kay. 28. Lana Rusev. 29. Michelle McTaker. 30. Kaitlyn Bonin
As you may have heard, both Ronda Rousey & Molly Holly say they’re not booked for the Women’s Rumble, and I believe them until I hear otherwise. I have an idea for how to set up Ms. Rousey’s participation in WrestleMania 34. She wouldn’t have to be in the Rumble match, but she WOULD have to be in the arena. Anyhoo…
Projection? Nikki and Brie start us off, establishing the unpredictable nature of this match. Once Asuka comes in at Number 9, business has picked up. Asuka dominates for her first several minutes in the match, then the ring starts to fill up. Shayna Baszler comes in at Number 18, and immediately starts mocking the other participants. Baszler dumps Liv and Kelly, then starts jawing with Stephanie McMahon, who is at the commentary table. While that’s happening, Becky Lynch surprises Shayna from behind and eliminates the Queen Of Spades. Moments later, Nia Jax eliminates Lynch, and Baszler attacks Lynch on the floor. It takes several security guards, road agents and Stephanie McMahon to separate Becky and Shayna.
(Optional: While Stephanie McMahon is (snort) trying to separate Lynch and Baszler, Ronda Rousey hops the rail to help Shayna and accidentally/on purpose spears Steph through one of the barricades, as one does in that situation.)
Anyway, Asuka and Nia destroy everyone else in the match until Asuka finally tosses Ms. Jax out. Asuka wins the Women’s Royal Rumble.
The Usos vs. American Beta (Smackdown Tag Team Titles – 2/3 Falls): I’m not expecting this match to get as much time as it needs, not even on a six hour show. Projection? The champs take the first fall with the Double Uce. Benjamin & Gable take the second fall with the Grand Amplitude. Benjamin pins Jey Uso in the third fall, with Gable holding Jey’s foot down outside the ring. We have new champions.
Since Smackdown tag teams like to make fake merchandise for themselves, I recommend Shelton & Chad capitalize on their title reign by marketing their own brand of pain-relieving analgesic cream. Call it “Ben-Gable.”
Seth Rollins & Jason Jordan vs. The Bar (WWE World Tag Team Titles): Seth & Jason won the Raw tag team titles on Christmas night, and it’s been awkward between the new champs ever since. J Double is working through a back injury, and the Goondock Saints are looking to get their championships back. Projection? If Jordan’s back is hurt, have it play into our story. Cesaro injures Jordan’s back early in the match. After Jordan fights his way to Seth for the tag, Rollins orders Jordan to stay on the apron. Seth takes the heat, and when he gets close to his own corner, Jason tags himself in. The new guy acquits himself for a couple of minutes until his back gives out. White Noise. Sheamus pins Jordan. New champions.
AJ Styles vs. Kami Owayn (WWE World Heavyweight Title – Handicap Match): Owens is also working with a bad back, but we have a slightly different story here. I am not crazy about the handicap match stipulation, but we can make it work. Projection? Styles starts out like a house afire, until the numbers game catches up with him. Owens rolls up Zayn for a pin, but the referee refuses to count it, because this is a handicap match. Styles misses the 450 and Owens has Styles beat, but Zayn pulls KO off and tries to pin the champ himself. They argue amongst themselves. The Phenomenal One uses the distraction to ram the challengers into each other before applying the calf crusher to Kev’s bad leg. Styles retains by submission.
Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman vs. Kane 4 Mayor (WWE Universal Title – Triple Threat Match): There are a number of people inside World Wrestling Entertainment who believe it is time from Braun Strowman to capture the Universal Title and take his rightful place as the top babyface in the business. But none of those people are named Vince McMahon, so forget I said anything. Projection? Kane distracts Strowman by setting Braun’s beard on fire. Lesnar hits an F5, pins Kane and keeps his championship.
2018 Men’s Royal Rumble match, Order of Entry: 1. Big E. Langston. 2. Dolph Ziggler. 3. Rusev. 4. Roman Reigns. 5. Curt Hawkins. 6. Jinder Mahal. 7. Tyler Bate. 8. Kassius Ohno. 9. Rich Swann (Welcome back!). 10. Tye Dillinger. 11. Shinsuke Nakamura. 12. Aiden English. 13. Goldust. 14. John Cena. 15. Mojo Rawley. 16. Titus O’Neil. 17. Elias Samson. 18. The Miz. 19. Apollo Crews. 20. Finn Balor. 21. Dr. Xavier Woods. 22. Bray Wyatt. 23. Randy Orton. 24. Adrien Neville.* 25. Matt Hardy. 26. Baron Corbin. 27. Erick Rowan. 28. Kofi Kingston. 29. Luke Harper. 30. Pete Dunne
* If Neville doesn’t return, the spot should go to Cedric Alexander.
Projection? Ziggler spends the early part of the bout avoiding Reigns, who gets a bad draw. Roman does get to eliminate Jinder Mahal, though. Dillinger trades with Titus O’Neil backstage so he can come out at Number 10. Nakamura is in at eleven and eliminates Ziggler. Cena eliminates Elias Samson, of course.
Miz arrives at Number 18. Reigns tries to eliminate The Miz, but Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas run in and eliminate Reigns instead. The Philly audience eats this up. Randy Orton eliminates Nakamura.
When Pete Dunne enters in the Number 30 spot (instead of Daniel Bryan), he gets the biggest heel reaction of the night.
Cena eliminates both Bludgeon Brothers. Matt Hardy eliminates Bray Wyatt, and is immediately eliminated himself by Finn Balor. Corbin eliminates Cena, Orton eliminates the Baron, and Finn Balor eliminates Orton to win the 2018 Royal Rumble. Yeah.
Aftermath: Balor decides he’d rather fight for the WWE World Title than the Universal Title, so he’s off to Smackdown. The GM’s get together and trade the Balor Club to Smackdown for The New Day. Then we go to Elimination Chamber, where it’s Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. The Miz vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Braun Strowman vs. Kane, with the winner getting the shot at Brock Lesnar.
***
Pat McNeill has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He lives in Greenville, South Carolina. He’d take Oklahoma City over Philadelphia in tonight’s big NBA game. You know, if gambling were legal.
I suspect you are right about Asuka winning the women’s but I hope not. Here’s a question, if a male wrestler came out, spoke no English, looked dumpy and basically had a match of kicks and slaps would PWT not be trashing them, yet Asuka is considered superb. I don’t see it and I suspect soon Vince won’t either. The men’s you listed has way too many 205ers in it [1 is too many] and they’ll all try to do Kofi stuff… Nia and The gronk would be too cool for words!!!
At least we found common ground on that whole Nia + Gronk thing.
I love the idea of Balor winning and going to Smackdown. AJ Styles vs Finn Balor with the whole Club thing mixed in as a WrestleMania Main Event is so much better than Styles vs Nakamura to me. It would take some big things to make that happen, but your scenario makes sense and I could see something like that happening. Maybe for more than New Day in return. However, I don’t see any scenario other than the women’s Rumble going on last, Rousey coming out #30, dominating her way through whoever is left, including someone who fought there way from early in the match, to win, and secure her spot at WrestleMania. Think about that. If they are going to do business with Rousey, this is it. That would be EVERYWHERE tomorrow morning. ESPN. Fox Sports. Newspapers and News outlets all over the world. It would be major news and get WWE publicity everywhere. If the women go on last, this is why. They want to end the show on that major note with Rousey posing under the Mania banner.