PARKS’S IMPACT WRESTLING UNITED WE STAND REPORT
APRIL 4, 2019
AIRED LIVE ON FITE TV
Commentators: Josh Mathews and Don Callis
(1) Jake Crist vs. Dante Fox vs. Pat Buck vs. Ace Austin vs. Johnny Impact, Ultimate X Match
Austin replaced Jack Evans in this match. Kotto Brazil was also in the original advertising of this bout. Almost immediately the fight went outside. Buck and Crist pulled Impact off the scaffold. Commentary and sound was going in-and-out here. Fox pulled Impact off just before he got to the “X.” Superplex by Crist on Impact. Lots of jockeying for position. Fox went coast-to-coast for a dropkick. Austin climbed to the top of the steel scaffold and flipped down onto the others outside. Four of the men went to each of the corners and tried to race to retrieve the “X.” Springboard Spanish Fly by Impact on Fox. Crist hit Austin with a cutter as Austin hung off the rope holding up the “X.” Impact grabbed it to earn a future X Division Title shot.
WINNER: Impact, at 12:50. Impact certainly felt like the ringer of this group. Not exactly on the higher end of Ultimate X matches.
Moose and Eddie Edwards had a confab backstage but you could barely hear due to audio issues. They argued before Cage barged in and talked some sense into them (presumably).
(2) Marty “The Moth” Martinez & Drago & Daga & Aerostar vs. Moose & Eddie Edwards & Brian Cage & Tommy Dreamer
This was billed as Lucha Underground vs. Impact. Martinez replaced the King Cuerno, not a part of team LU for obvious reasons at this point. It was also supposed to be 4-on-3, so Dreamer was added to even out the teams. After Edwards began the match against Aerostar, the crowd wanted Dreamer. Once Cage and Daga were in, they picked up the pace. Aerostar dove onto Team Impact outside the ring. Drago was suplexed by Cage off the middle rope and onto the group. Dreamer spit water into Eddie’s mouth, who then sprayed it into the faces of the heels. The match resumed as a more traditional four-on-four affair. For a brief spell, anyway. Dreamer introduced a kendo stick and used it on Moose after Moose turned on his team. Marty DDT’d Dreamer to win it
WINNERS: Martinez & Drago & Daga & Aerostar, at 10:23. Leave it to Impact to book their own promotion’s loss against an organization that is all but dead.
Taya cut a previously recorded promo on her opponents tonight. She compared her situation to that of her husband’s.
(3) Rosemary vs. Katie Forbes vs. Jordynne Grace vs. Taya, Knockouts Title Match
It was 3-on-1 against Rosemary to start. Taya then took the fight to Forbes. Sounded like the crowd was barely mic’d if at all throughout the show. Vader Bomb by Grace to Rosemary for two. All four were down at 5:30 of the match. Forbes tried to put Taya and Rosemary on her shoulders in a Samoan drop position, but couldn’t hold them. All four slugged it out. Su Yung came out at 7:47 and Rosemary brawled with her to the back. Grace Driver on Forbes was broken up by Taya, who made the pin on Forbes instead.
WINNER: Taya, at 8:57. This seemed to set up Grace as Taya’s next challenger for the KO Title.
(4) Low Ki & Ricky Martinez vs. LAX
Konnan was at ringside to support LAX in this MLW vs. Impact match. There was a long stall session to start. Low Ki was able to negate Santana’s height advantage early on. LAX did some tandem offense on Martinez. Mathews and Callis did a nice job of setting up the story of this one. Team MLW worked to cut off the ring until Ortiz made the hot tag. Low Ki was knocked off the top rope and LAX took advantage. Low Ki broke up a pin with a double stomp off the top, but Ortiz hit a DVD on Martinez for the victory.
WINNERS: LAX, at 12:38. Good enough, but this was a match in particular that was hurt by the lack of audible crowd noise.
A Sami Callihan promo aired.
(5) Tessa Blanchard vs. Joey Ryan
Ryan put his used sucker into the mouth of a fan at ringside. Tessa flipped Joey off to start. She wasn’t having Joey’s penis antics, tossing him across the ring by his chest hair. She set Ryan up for Shattered Dreams but thought better of it and hit a Code Breaker instead. Joey sent Tessa shoulder-first into the ring post and honed in on that sore spot. Tessa hit a desperation hurricanrana a few minutes later. Cannonball off the top for two by Tessa. At 8:30, there was finally hand-to-penis contact. Ryan flipped her with it. He then took a lollipop out of his shorts, put it in Tessa’s mouth, and superkicked her for a two-count. Tessa hit Magnum (Code Breaker off the top) to end it.
WINNER: Blanchard, at 10:47. Put aside the penis stuff and it’s still just a wrestling match.
(6) Flamita vs. Rich Swann, X Division Title Match
Tope con hilo by Flmaita to Swann was the first big move of the match. Swann struck Flamita with kicks to garner a near-fall. Tiger Driver followed by a 450 from Flamita for two. Swann won relatively quickly with a phoenix splash.
WINNER: Swann, at 7:46. Just seemed to get going when it ended.
(7) Jimmy Havoc vs. Sami Callihan, Monster’s Ball Match
The match went to the floor immediately where it seemed Sami broke a staple gun. A ring bell was the next weapon used, followed by a chair. Callihan searched under the ring for plunder. Havoc was bleeding about three minutes in. It was all Callihan in the early going. A groin claw brought Havoc back. Piledriver on the apron by Sami. He stapled Havoc’s busted-open forehead. Then he stapled trash from the garbage can to Havoc’s body. Sami utilized a frying pan. Juice from a lemon was squeezed into Havoc’s open head wound. Because why not? It seemed to rejuvenate Havoc, who went for papercuts on Sami. Havoc kicked out of a pieldriver onto Legos at just a one-count. But Sami was able to up the ante by piledriving Havoc on two chairs. That was enough to finish him.
WINNER: Callihan, at 13:48. More gross than hardcore, really, though they sometimes intersect.
(8) The Lucha Brothers vs. Sabu & Rob Van Dam
There was a stand-off between the two teams for the first 1:30. Chaos ensued shortly thereafter. It was Sabu and RVD’s greatest hits early on. This was not a traditional tag match per se, in that there was no tagging. Tables were introduced 6:00 in. Surprised it took so long. Pentagon and Fenix were placed on the tables while Sabu and RVD dove onto them from opposite corners. A steel chair shot by Penta knocked RVD off the top rope. Fear Factor piledriver ended Sabu.
WINNERS: Lucha Brothers, at 8:02. I don’t know if there was even much nostalgic value in seeing RVD and Sabu in this one.
All four celebrated together as the lights were turned off for some reason and the show went off the air.