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Yes, PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is here for the longest day in the history of our sport.
Six, maybe seven hours of this? Really?
True story: ESPN2 had its Baseball Opening Day game start an hour ago. Would you like to guess what song ESPN used for its Opening Day video montage? Go on, guess!
Renee Young has Booker T & Lita with her for the pre-show. Jojo gets to talk to Kevin Owens. Owens has that whole “ribbing on the square” thing down pat.
Corey Graves is testing out his new gold suit, and mingling with the fans outside AT&T Stadium. He’s not making the boo boo face, though. Good for him.
Tom Phillips is still in the social media lounge, but now he has Stephanie Wiand…I mean, Cathy Kelley to cohost with him in there. That’s nice. Paul Heyman is their guest. Tom asks what will happen if Ambrose beats Lesnar. Paul thinks that’s hilarious.
Corey Graves has finally made it inside the building. Hello, Cleveland!
Hall of Fame recap from last night. When did Jimmy Garvin trade bodies with “Cowboy” Bill Watts?
Mauro Ranallo & Byron Saxton & JBL are at the announce table. We may have a match!
Kalisto has an awesome outfit. His opponent is…OHMYGOD! It’s Goldberg! Bill Goldberg IS…Oops. My mistake. It’s Ryback.
I know there was issue with the wireless ticket-taking system, but portions of the building look like the last World Class Parade of Champions.
Commercial break in our US Title match to hype Undertaker vs, Shane McMahon. Listen, they’ve already bought the show. No point scaring them off now.
Kalisto gets some offense in, as Mauro compares Kalisto to Hayabusa. Lawler pretends not to know who that is. At least, I think he’s pretending. Ryback throws himself into an exposed turnbuckle, and loses to Kalisto’s finisher. Score one for the good guys.
Okay, am I supposed to go over to USA Network now? Or do I stay tuned to WWE Network? I’M SO CONFUUUUUSED!!!
Mauro says over 100,000 fans are expected tonight for WrestleMania. Hey, he didn’t say “paid fans,” so I’ll allow it.
We have ten divas out for the big tag match. The set and the entrances are pretty damned impressive. In honor of her character on Total Divas, can we change Eva Marie’s gimmick to Eva Blivious?
Ad for Total Divas. Nikki Bella hates all the drama, don’t you know.
Mauro Ranallo can’t keep track of all the nicknames, and complains that there are too many divas in this match. Jerry Lawler immediately shuns Ranallo.
Lana tags in. Lawler claims that people have been waiting for these blown spots for a long time.
The announcers actually make the joke that you don’t want to bring Tamina Snuka home after curfew. (Because her dad will, you know…)
Eva Marie performs a wrestling move. Standing ovation. Lana decks Eva Marie. Another standing ovation. Everyone hits a finisher. Naomi misses her finisher. Brie climbs to the top rope and has to wait freaking forever for Lana to interfere. Brie still rallies to make Naomi tap to the Yes Lock.
Nikki Bella comes to ringside with a neckbrace. I hope nobody in WWE went back to watch that Pitbull angle from ECW in 1996.
Moments ago, I had supper. Also, Lita introduced the new WWE Women’s Championship Title.
I know you have questions about that. The answer is: barbecued chicken, green beans and sweet potatoes. And iced green tea.
The Usos vs. The Dudleys. The Dudleys aren’t using tables any more. They’re perfectly capable of jobbing without them.
Question from Twitter. “@WrestlSupremacy asks: Do you think Mark Cuban will help Shane win against the Undertaker?”
Answer: Absolutely not. Cuban’s a C-lister. It’s John Stamos or bust.
The Usos win with a superkick. The Dudleys get the tables. The Usos end up using them. Double Samoan Splash. Welcome back, Dudleys!
Someone should tell that guy with the sign that he spelled Kylin’s name wrong.
Teddy Fan from Minnesota asks: “Has Lita been drunk all weekend?” I don’t know. I wasn’t with her last night.
Corey Graves describes the announcer entrances as “100,000 people booing Michael Cole”. Come on. We know it’s 92,000, tops.
We close with the Roman Reigns-Triple H video package. I’m all for seeing it now, unless I have to watch it again in three hours. Time for the main show.
We close with the Roman Reigns-Triple H video package. I’m all for seeing it now, unless I have to watch it again in three hours. Time for the main show.
Unauthorized viewers, beware and be forewarned. This means you.
Then, now, five hours from now.
Here to sing America the Beautiful: not Aretha Franklin.
This intro is a story. A story about an event. An event that was booked much better than tonight’s event.
Are they really inserting Fort Minor into this video? Did George W. Bush reclaim the White House when I wasn’t looking? (If so, cool.)
You are looking LIVE at Michael Cole, JBL, Byron Saxton and a crapload of ladders. It must be time for the WWE Intercontinental Title Spotfest!
Michael Cole declares that the ladder is a “tool of exultation”. That’s not the only tool that comes to mind right now.
We have a shocking moment during the intros, as the German announce table is overrun by migrant Arabic announcers. (What? WWE can reference current events, but I can’t? Hypocrites.)
The bell rings. The six challengers go to get ladders. Kevin Owens stays inside the ring, eating a roast beef sandwich.
Cole mentions that the first Intercontinental Champion was Pat Patterson, who won it in a seven-way ladder match in Rio De Janeiro.
You know, I always heard it was bad luck to do a plancha under an open ladder, but Sami Zayn does not agree.
Sin Cara comes off the ladder and does a springboard flip dive. The other wrestlers are so impressed they barely manage to run under him.
They’re all hitting their finishers. Is it 20 after the hour already?
Owens sets up Zayn on a ladder and hit Zayn with a frog splash. Of all the ideas in this match so far, that was the worst.
Ziggler plants Zack Ryder, but injures his knee and can’t complain. More finishers, and Cody is laid out on a ladder. Okay, this can’t be good.
Sin Cara uses Stardust to break the ladder. Two down, four to go.
Owens and Zayn brawl, and Zayn gives Owens a dragon suplex ONTO THE LADDER. Aaaauuugggghhhh! Why did you do that? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
The Miz climbs the ladder and pauses to gloat. This gives Zack Ryder time to push Miz off the ladder, and win the title. No, really!
Up next, Chris Jericho vs. AJ Styles, AJ STYLES, AY-JAY STY-LES! The video package plays as they clear ringside of the bodies from the opening madder match.
For crap’s sake, if you’re not watching live, the visuals and ring entrances alone are worth the ten bucks.
I’m sorry, I won’t be able to type fast enough to describe this.
JBL compares Chris Jericho to Michael Jordan. (In Jericho’s defense, he never traded for Jerry Stackhouse.)
Still trying to figure out how Saxton knows AJ Styles is teasing a Styles Clash when Styles has yet to do the move in WWE.
Speaking of the Styles Clash, Jericho gets to kick out of it. That’s better than a gold watch, if you ask me.
This is Chris Jericho’s thirteenth WrestleMania. In other news, I am old. In even stranger news, Jericho wins with the Codebreaker. Well then.
Maria Menounous interviews Zack Ryder backstage. Ryder still has the Intercontinental Title. Ryder winning, Styles losing, I must be hallucinating. Or dreaming. Good first hour, though.
BREAKING NEWS: BootyO’s now come in economy size. Michael Cole explains that New Day’s outfits are inspired by Dragon Ball Z. I’m just going to go ahead and take his word for it.
Cole: That may be one of the strangest entrances in WrestleMania history.
Jethro Gibbs: YA THINK?!
This is a six-man tag, meaning (as usual) Wade Barrett doesn’t count.
Dear JBL: You can’t compare the League of Nations to the Four Horsemen. Unless you’re saying something like “The League of Nations are no Four Horsemen!”
Big E eventually gets the hot tag and massacres the Big Three members of the League. Xavier and Kofi hit the Decapitation Double Stomp on Sheamus. Of course that’s not the finish. What was I thinking?
Sheamus wins with the Brogue kick on Xavier, like someone predicted.
After the match, Shawn Michaels comes out, as no one predicted. He is joined by Mick Foley. So, we need two more…Glass shatters. Right. Maybe one more. They pause. No fourth guy. (* shrug *)
The three Hall of Famers are enough to beat The League. But really, it’s not fair. The League already wrestled a match.
The New Day wants to dance with the Hall of Famers. Foley dances along. Austin dances back. Yeah, here comes the Stunner. Beers all around. “What a night!”
I still think we’re going to see the fourth guy later in the show.
Here’s the question. Does WWE recognize that the number of people who want to see Foley, Austin & Michaels beat up the current roster member is, um, shrinking?
Ambrose vs. Lesnar is next. Let’s table that question for the time being. Dean Ambrose tells us he’s not crazy. (His mom had him tested.) Paul Heyman does Brock’s intro.
Dean Ambrose’s entrance. Um, Dean…I think you left some stuff backstage, like your weapons…(Suplex.)
Suplex, suplex. Ambrose hits a bunch of shots with a kendo stick…Nope. Suplex, and another suplex.
Suplex, suplex, suplex. Lesnar offers Dean a free shot, not realizing that Ambrose would use the free shot for a donkey punch. Ouch. And…suplex.
Oh, Dean uses weapons. Couldn’t get the chainsaw started, but the chair and the monitor and the fire extinguisher all work.
Ambrose makes a pile of chairs in the ring, and gets suplexed. Missed the chairs, though. Ambrose gets to Barby the Barbed Wire Bat, but can’t hit Lesnar. Suplex. F5 on the pile of chairs. And Brock wins.
WWE uses one of their Snickers commercials to make fun of Zack Ryder.
Hall of Fame recap. There’s just something heartwarming about a man and his ho train.
In case you missed it, Sting announced his retirement last night. And yes, Dixie Carter is still heartbroken.
@KJSamra tweets: “I think you’re just looking for something negative to say.”
Answer: That’s not true. I’m saving the negative for Raw tomorrow. More time to fill there.
Charlotte vs. Becky vs. Sasha. If you missed the Kickoff show, they’re no longer Little Divas. They’ve now become Little Women.
Wait a minute. That’s not Sasha Banks. Oh, I get it. Snoop Dogg is playing Sasha down to the ring. With a storm of confetti. Gee, I wonder who’s winning this match?
With all due respect, this is a lot more interesting than the times Sable defended the title.
Three matches left after this. Well, we’re in World Class territory. Is it too late to call the UK and put money on Reigns and Hunter going to a 60 minute draw?
Becky gets Charlotte in an arm submission. Normally, this is the point where Raw goes to commercial. Not this time. Sasha makes the save.
Sasha does a sick dive onto Charlotte. This distracts Ric Flair long enough for Becky to dive onto the ex-champ. Then Charlotte hits the top turnbuckle moonsault onto the others. Good gravy.
Everyone tries a submission move, and they all get saved by the third woman. Finally, Charlotte catches Becky with the Figure Eight while Daddy Flair holds Sasha outside the ring. Charlotte keeps the title.
I have no complaints. Very good show so far.
It’s The Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon inside the cell. I don’t know why Shane brought his kids with him, unless he plans to use them as weapons.
IM from my boy Payne: “Damn, the Mean Street Posse shrunk!”
“I was nine years old when I first saw The Undertaker…” Shut up, Byron.
Okay, I need to explain this to some of you, and I’ll use my indoor voice. This summer, we saw Undertaker beat Brock Lesnar in a 20 minute match. Then, we saw Lesnar beat Undertaker in a 20 minute cell match last fall. When Shane McMahon can go even-steven with The Undertaker, you’re then stating that the owner’s son is on a par with former UFC champion Brock Lesnar. No. A thousand times no.
Shane climbs to the top of the Cell. Look, guy, I know you’ve had a tough time of it, but this isn’t the answer. Shane drops the elbow. Undertaker moves out of the way.
So, Shane kicks out after this, right?
Tombstone. Three count. Guess not. Undertaker wins.
Hawkeye and the MASH unit come out to cart the loser away. I’m glad Shane McMahon isn’t dead. Having said that, let’s never do another Shane McMahon match again.
Andre the Giant Battle Royal. You know, I would be okay with Mark Henry winning a WrestleMania match in Texas.
Diamond Dallas Page is in. Saxton says DDP winning would be “absolutely insane”. Ain’t that the truth?
It’s freaking Shaquille O’Neal! He’s the last entrant! Shaq and Show! Show and Shaq! The others get tired of this silliness and dump Show and Shaq out over the top.
Tatanka is in this match. And Baron Corbin. We’ve also had three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.
Corbin runs amuck until Kane cuts him off. Everybody gets a few seconds of show, until Corbin sneaks up on Kane and eliminates Kane. Score one for NXT! Baron’s actually a better fit for the main roster than he is at Full Sail.
We get a shot of the earth, then a lot of satellite footage. Apparently WrestleMania 33 will be taking place on the moon. (Just kidding, it’s Orlando.)
The Dallas Cowboy Cheeerleaders come out to do a routine. See, I told you WWE had scouts at WrestleCon.
Okay, why is The Rock carrying a T-shirt cannon? I stand corrected. The Rock is carrying a flamethrower. So, why is the Rock carrying a flamethrower?
WWE claims the WrestleMania attendance record tonight (which is legit), but not the AT&T Stadium record. Hooray for relative honesty!
Rock makes the announcement, and he is interrupted by Bray Wyatt and the Wy-ettes. Bray claims The Rock represents a lie. Look, this worked attendance deal isn’t worth holding up the show.
Kudos to the Rock for working Cracker Barrel into his promo. I knew he was a regular McNeill reader.
The Rock says he’s been watching Bray Wyatt. The Rock sees Bray when he’s sleeping, The Rock knows when he’s awake…
The Rock vs. Erick Rowan. Impromptu match! I defecate you not. The Rock pins Rowan in six seconds. Well, that was fun. See you next year!
Nope, The Wyatts come after The Rock, and John F’n Cena comes to the ring.
Cena stands beside Rock, and Rock turns on him! Rock Bottom! Rock Bottom! (Oh, come on, let me dream…) So, Rock and Cena clean house. Obviously, John Cena is back and ready to go.
You know, I was worried WWE didn’t have enough main event heels. But Reigns & Cena together should be enough to carry the load.
Yes, welcome to the seventh hour of our WrestleMania coverage. Yes, WWE knew they were going long, and they already told the pay-per-view providers. Why didn’t they tell you? Um…Look, there’s Bill Simmons!
Triple H vs. Roman Reigns. Those of you still standing after the last six hours are in for quite a match. Time for the champ’s entrance, and…Okay, what stupid f—ing movie are we whoring for this year?
Princess Ardala sure has a raspy voice. Hunter and his gang from Occupy Nepotism make their way to the ring.
Time for the challenger’s entrance. I hate that they changed his gimmick, I wanted to see Reigns come in through the crowd. Granted, they would have had to start around 3pm…
So far, the crowd is squarely behind the…condescending authoritarian heel. (And yet, you people don’t think Trump can win the election.)
Is JBL losing his voice? That’s a storyline to keep your eye on during this match.
Hunter kicks Reigns in the balls. Huge babyface pop. Atomic drop to the balls. And another. The crowd chants “Ro-man sucks!” Stephanie sees the camera and shrugs, like, what can you do?
A lot of offense by the champ. So, the guy with two torn quads is the one in charge of creating motion here?
Roman puts Hunter through a barricade, yadda yadda yadda. Hunter goes to work on Roman’s injured arm. The audience does not appear sympathetic. Look, it’s not like this is a bad match. But it’s been a long night.
“I don’t think the word quit is in Reigns’ vocabulary”. Okay. How about “take it home, for Christ’s sake”? Will he understand that?
Reigns accidentally spears Stephanie McMahon. And there was much rejoicing. Hunter counters the spear, and Stephanie hands her husband the sledgehammer. Cole talks about how Hunter will get disqualified. Isn’t this a no disqualification match?
Hunter misses the sledge spot and gets speared. Roman Reigns is your new champ. The crowd is not upset about this. However, I feel like they’re waiting for something else to happen.
But it doesn’t. Join James & Greg for the postgame show. VIP members, we’re about to set the Audio Roundtable attendance record, so check it out after we post it. Good night.