SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Pat McNeill (@RealPatMcNeill) Tweets Raw – August 29, 2016
Raw kicks off this week with a tribute to the late John McLaughlin and the McLaughlin Group. Issue one: Who wins tonight’s main event?
And now, it’s time for Big Cass to play our favorite party game: “How you doin'”?
…That Universal belt looks like the Malibu Barbie Divas Title (How you doin’?)
…That belt looks like Strawberry Shortcake designed it with a Bedazzler. (How you doin’?)
…That belt looks like something Carrot Top would wear to the ring at the next Paragon Pro live event. (How you doin’?)
Anyhoo, while I was coming up with all that B+ material, Roman Reigns cleaned house. Up next: Neville vs. The Gift Of Jericho.
Still to come tonight on Raw, James Caldwell (@jctorch) forgets what happened on the Superstars taping he just watched.
Still waiting for Byron Saxton to ask when Neville came back from his injury.
Neville goes for a rana, but Jericho counters it into the Stupid Idiot Lock for the submission victory.
Backstage, Dana Brooke makes the unwise decision to engage in a promo battle with Bayley and The New Day.
Making her way to the ring, Nia Jax. Already in the ring, her opponent, Sacrificial Lamb.
Playing the role of Nurse Ratchet tonight, Dana Brooke. New Day/Bayley vs. The Club/Dana still to come tonight.
Jinder Mahal is already in the ring. We need D’Lo Brown back to form the New & Improved Lo Down.
Saxton says that back in NXT, Sami Zayn was considered one of most passionate Superstars. Jinder Mahal was considered…Jinder Mahal.
We’ve had three matches in the first hour of Raw. Somebody check to see if Mr. McMahon is feeling okay…
BREAKING NEWS: Bayley is an honorary member of The New Day. If she gives Big E. a slap band, the scene will be too cute for words.
Coming up next, Sheamus vs. Cesaro. Match #2 of the biggest Best of 7 match-up since the 2014 World Series.
Cesaro gets backdropped into the ringpost. Okay, that looked painful. Don’t try that at home.
Harry Fujiwara passed away this weekend. I’m taking this hard because I spent 25 years working on my Mr. Fuji impression. R.I.P.
Will Seth Rollins injure anyone else during our main event? (Hey, don’t blame me. Booker T brought it up on the pre-show.)
Up next on Raw, Braun Strowman vs. Guy We’ll Be Scraping Off The Canvas In Three Minutes.
During the break, Byron Saxton informed America “You lose, and you get nothing. Good day, sir!…I SAID, GOOD DAY!” (R.I.P. Gene Wilder)
In three weeks, Raw launches a Cruiserweight Division! (Without the two best guys in the Cruiserweight Classic. Allegedly.)
Stephanie McMahon announces that tonight we will crown the very first WWE Universal champion (not counting the guy who won it last week.)
We’re not saving it for Clash of Champions. Darren Young versus Titus O’Neil is about to happen. You better call somebody!
Young beats Titus. Titus beats up Young and Backlund. Well, that accomplished nothing.
Settle in, you people. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. Cass vs. Owens vs. Reigns vs. Rollins in a Universal Title Elimination match.
Sorry. Forgot to allow five minutes for Enzo Amore’s pre-match promo. The match should start any minute now.
Earlier tonight on Raw, Stephanie McMahon and Paul Heyman spent five minutes in the ring no-selling each other’s material. Tune in next week for more!
On the bright side, there’s nothing like a Cassady-Reigns stare down to get fans to cheer for Big Cass.
Owens hits the Bullfrog Splash to eliminate Big Cass. One down, three to go. After this timeout, that is.
Some crazy guy just came out of the crowd and attacked Roman…oh, it’s Hunter. Never mind. Rollins eliminates Reigns.
And then Hunter turns on Rollins and Pedigrees him! Triple H is your new WWE Universal…I mean, Kevin Owens wins!
Cole says that in his 20 years, he has never witnessed anything like tonight. No, really. With a straight face and everything.
After that awful screwjob, the WWE fans in Houston rise up, and with one voice, shout “You deserve it!” at the evil Kevin Owens.
That was #Raw. Go VIP and join us for the “Real Deal w/Pat McNeill” on Wednesday! Goodnight, everybody!