10/25 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (season finale): Brie and Bryan give birth to Birdie, Cena totally completely shocks Nikki with marriage proposal

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor

OCTOBER 25, 2017

It’s the season finale of Total Bellas. Yes, you and I have endured seven episodes of the show so far to finally have the episode where Brie gives birth to Birdie, and John proposes to Nikki at WrestleMania, which is likely – if she heeds her doctor’s advice – her last match. Yeah, if you weren’t in a coma or a member of a cult with no access to the internet, you already knew these things happened, but let’s drag this out over 44 minutes + commercials.

The show opens with beach shots and then we transition to Nikki & J.J. in a car. Cue WrestleMania media row footage. They show an interview where Nikki talks about the Vegas bet regarding the proposal. Sorry, chickie, but your boyfriend is a robot in jorts; I literally cannot believe I’m supposed to believe that this proposal was a surprise. Meanwhile in Phoenix, Brie is worried that if Bryan goes to Mania that he’s going to miss the birth.

Back to Mania, we discuss the bet more – with some guy named John who is captioned as being “John Cena’s friend.” Someone better tell his other lone man friend about this new man friend. Anyway, Nikki does some autographs. We move forward though time to the Hall of Fame. Seven minutes in – a variety of wrestler cameos and Cena finally makes an appearance. He does a bad pun. The Miz & Maryse are interviewed, then Cena and Nikki are interviewed. Cena just stands there and Nikki does all the talking. Moving right along to WrestleMania. Then Bryan facetimes with Brie while riding in a car. Nope, she’s not ready to give birth yet.

Back from commercial. Random Mania shots. Nikki talks to Maria Menounos about this bet. Nikki and Nattie look at the empty arena; Nikki will facetime this to Brie. This was a clip on youtube. Nikki contemplates the end of her career. Her thoughts: “I don’t want this to be the end.” Her thoughts, not mine. Moving along, Coach interviews Nikki & Cena. Cena says this will be his “most memorable WrestleMania moment.” I doubt that. But maybe I’m figuring that the typical Cena fan isn’t specifically a 12-year-old girl. Yeah, in 30+ years of watching wrestling I don’t know any Macho Man fans who are like “his career zenith was the wedding to Liz.” I think it has more to do with promos and top rope elbow drops, but, again, wrestling is what dragged me to this dance. So, more fans meandering around with signs shots as they show the crowd at Mania. We have to pretend like the Mom & JJ are having deep thoughts about Nikki’s retirement match. In the mean time, Brie is going to watch Mania with Lauren and Nana (her grandmother). They talk about Nikki’s neck. Amazingly, they didn’t mention the bet about the proposal. Back at Mania, Nikki has a backstage chat with Johnny Ace.

Eighteen minutes into the show Mark Carrano appears, just in case you had a drinking game or Superstar bingo or something. They show random shots of various performers. As Cole was about to say it was Corey Graves’s first time calling a Mania, they cut to Nikki backstage. We get some Booker T commentary. The Smackdown women have a match and we see ten seconds of it. Flashback of Dr. Uribe from last week’s episode. Nikki really doesn’t want to heed his advice, because I guess being crippled seems neat. twenty minutes into the show we get match intros. Commercial.

So, the entrance ramp was really long. John’s mom is ringside. Various portions of the match are shown. Nana covers her eyes back in Phoenix. The Miz & Maryse are pinned. So, they play the slow romantic music as John Cena prattles along with the proposal. Cena goes on about asking Nikki a question while she was anesthetized, which was “one day I’m going to marry you” – which was more of a statement than a question. Anyway, John proposes. He uses Nikki’s real first name, reminding all “Superstars” that if your real name is Shane or Stephanie, you’ll be performing under another name. Commercial.

Nikki is congratulated by various WWE female Superstars backstage. Nikki makes a joke about the proposal. Cena says “you said yes, you can’t back out now,” apparently because he has no idea what a broken engagement is, despite the fact that he’s divorced. Hugging / kissing ensues. Nikki continues to insist this was a total surprise as she and John are interviewed.  They kiss some more (35 minutes into the show, for those of you looking for proof). They show a montage of Cena and Nikki moments, about Cena hedging on marriage and kids. Obviously, there is no footage of Worst Boyfriend Ever Cena not understanding that when your girlfriend makes dinner, you compliment her on her cooking, not bitch at her about water on the floor. Anyhoo, Nikki is ecstatic about her ring, so, basically, more chattering about this proposal from the Mom, Cena’s Mom does some mugging for the camera too. Everyone back in Phoenix now gets to have the same moment with Nikki via facetime. Anyway, more “OMG, he proposed” moments. Then they show fireworks over Mania.

Now, onto Brie and the birth of this child. Yes, five weeks later in Phoenix. If you’ve seen the Bella twins YouTube channel, then you may know that the child was born well after the due date. If you’re an adult from earth, then you may be aware that a due date is simply an estimate. If you’re me, then you remember the things that Brie posted to that YouTube channel about things she did or imbibed to attempt to induce labor… my own sainted mother moved furniture when she was pregnant with me because she wanted a child born in May; I was born mid-June.

Anyway, considering how hard Brie has bought into every myth about all things “natural,” you’d think she’d be all hippie-dippy and just wait for the kid to come. Alas, eating a shit ton of pineapple and eggplant didn’t force a baby into the world (yes, really, it probably performed nightmares on her blood pressure, but, like medicine is too complicated for these hipsters). Anyway, I bet none of that makes it into this episode, and Brie is sitting on a yoga ball at their kitchen table. Anyway, Bryan picks mulberries, and Brie sits on this yoga ball outside. So, Brie is going to the hospital to get induced; in other words, to know about really stupid things like pineapple, eggplant, and exercise or physical exertion not recommended by a doctor – you really have to find it on YouTube because unlike tacitly improving drinking alcohol while pregnant – those things are not on this episode.

Forty-eight minutes into the episode, Brie and Bryan arrive at the hospital for Brie to get induced. And so, the inducing of labor begins. Nikki arrives five hours in. Brie is having contractions. Hours pass. This baby still isn’t born. More hours pass. Brie gets in a birthing position. I’m not sure why they do the up-the-hoo-ha shots, since they blur out the vagina. Brie pushes, the baby doesn’t come. We’re at the point where other options are being discussed besides natural child birth. Cut to commercial.

Fifty-six minutes into the show it’s been determined that it’s time for a C-section. The baby is surgically removed.  They clean her up, and Brie gets to hold her baby. Cue a bunch of shots of people holding the baby and commenting that she looks very much like Bryan. They stress that while they were (completely obsessed with) into natural child birth, Brie being healthy, and the baby being born live and healthy were more important. The show closes with Bryan needing to change Birdie’s diaper.

Next week: Total Divas returns in the Total Bellas slot.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S EPISODE: 10/18 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Brie aims to experience the miracle of natural child birth, J.J. and Lauren renew their marriage vows

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