TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 11
JANUARY 31, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with a recap of Nattie and Lana bickering, Cena proposing to Nikki, Nikki getting DWTS, and the Miz baby pregnancy news. Based on the teasers, tonight Nikki Bella will try on wedding dresses, and Nattie and Lana will have a tiff over whether or not Lana should train in ring with T.J. (a/k/a Tyson Kidd) who hasn’t wrestled since his neck injury)… oh, and Maryse is pregnant.
The show opens with Maryse and Miz in an SUV being menaced by a bee. Random arena footage. There is a child backstage with Alexa Bliss (so, I guess, Alexa Bliss sighting). Nikki and her “Dancing with the Stars” (DWTS) partner Artem Chigvintsev are at Raw where she’s going to announce that he’s her partner. Nia Jax sighting. Anyway, Brie calls and tries to schedule a time for Nikki to try on wedding dresses, Nikki is booked up. Raw footage of Nia Jax turning on Alexa Bliss – for like 20 seconds. Sheamus sighting, followed by a Cesaro cameo. The aforementioned announcement occurs. Nikki bodyslams Artem.
Naomi sighting. She’s backstage talking to Nattie. Evidently, without Nattie’s permission, Lana discussed training with TJ with TJ, who obviously didn’t reject the idea. They wonder why Rusev doesn’t do it, although they apparently both know that’s a no-go. And if you’ve seen footage of Lana training with random people in front of Rusev – you know that too. TJ is now a producer at WWE, presumably retired from in-ring competition by the neck injury. Anyhoo, Nattie thinks he’s too emotionally fragile to train in the ring with Lana. Yes, I just typed that. SMH. I sometimes wonder what the boyfriends / husbands of the Total Divas ladies think if they ever watch their significant other’s suggesting that they’re too emotionally fragile for whatever. Nattie hatches the plot that she’ll lie and say that TJ is sick. Random Smackdown women’s match footage.
The never-ending opening segment is still going on. Next up is The Miz and Maryse in Cleveland. They’re there to tell the Miz’s parents about the preganancy. It’s an aptly comedic moment. Miz tells his dad he’s going to tell them something private and his dad points out that there are cameras there filming them. Ah, George Mizanin. The parents are delighted. Oh, also Miz and Maryse need to find a new house. Commercial.
In L.A., Nikki and Artem are practicing dance moves. In a cut-out Nikki describes herself as a “powerhouse in the ring.” Wow, alternate reality. I wonder if in her own mind she thinks she’s Chyna instead of the last vestige of the Diva-pillow-fight era. Anyway, learning dance moves turns out to be hard. No shit, I think to myself, knowing that I took eight years worth of dance lessons as a child. Yeah, I’m from the era before everyone thought their daughter should be a soccer star.
Moving on, the parents, TJ and Nattie are assembled at TJ and Nattie’s house. There’s a cat Instagram photo reference, so, take a drink. Lana arrives. You know nothing good can come of this. Nattie is clearly defensive. Lana ends up getting in TJ’s car and going to the gym with him. Pretty sure this is completely platonic as far as TJ is concerned. There are no indications otherwise, and I would expect none. So, while TJ and Lana are at the gym, Nattie is at home with her parents coming up with lies as to why TJ can’t train with her. To be fair, Jim Neidhart thinks the lying is a terrible idea. Moving along, Miz and Maryse are in a car; Maryse is discussing her boob size, the Miz declares, “I’m going to be a motor-boating, son of a bitch.” Anyway, they’re en route to look at a house that Miz wants to move in to – in Cleveland. The house is a giant, fancy mansion. It’s got a cigar lounge and basketball court. “This house is amazing, but it’s in Cleveland,” says Maryse. Maryse has a mini nervous breakdown at the idea of moving to Cleveland, Ohio.
Back from commercial, Maryse is still having a small freak-out about everything. Hey, it’s Miz, it’s not like this is a John Cena / Nikki Bella moment, you have to know that everything is somehow going to work out in the end. So, Miz does everything in his power to reassure Maryse that everything is going to be fine. Meanwhile in LA, Brie and the mom visit Nikki and Artem. They practice some dancing. The word “beautiful” is used a lot. Brie is pushing this wedding dress shopping thing. Then back to Lana and TJ in the gym. Nattie did in fact lie about TJ having adult chicken pox (known to most people as shingles). TJ does not have the shingles. TJ and Lana train. It’s purely professional. Lana tells TJ about the chicken pox lie. TJ laughs it off.
Next up, Nikki is finally on DWTS. Yes, faces are again blurred in DWTS footage. Bizarre, particularly considering that the show already aired on broadcast television. They show the pair dancing. I fully admit to never having watched a single episode of DWTS. It is what it is. Brie is proud of Nikki.
Now, back in Tampa we’re going to have a TJ and Nattie moment. TJ confronts Nattie about the adult chicken pox lie. Nattie admits to being over-protective and that she’s afraid that TJ is emotionally fragile being around wrestling but not being able to do it. TJ explains to Nattie that he’s okay with not being in the ring. Nattie and TJ hug. All is right in the world, I guess. About 42 minutes into the show is another Sheamus sighting, this time he’s shirtless. I’m just saying, maybe you have a drinking game.
Miz and Maryse are at Raw to inform the powers that be that she’s pregnant. Mark Carrano moment. Again, like if you had a drinking game. Yes, Maryse is pregnant. So, then they have to tell Vince McMahon. Miz and Maryse have a little pep talk for each other in the hallway. They definitely have more chemistry that Nikki and Cena. Anyway, right before commercial, Miz and Maryse go into Vince’s office. I suppose there’s some sort of draconian notion that Maryse could be fired for being pregnant, because misogyny, I guess. Anyway, if you watch Raw, you know that didn’t happen, because there was a Miz TV segment where they made the pregnancy announcement. Select footage of that segment is shown. Amusingly enough, this is kind of when the crowd turned Miz face, despite his current run as a heel. Supposedly, Maryse’s pregnancy is part of the storyline. Other than being mentioned, I’m not exactly sure how that is…
So, Lana and Nattie finally have a talk about why Nattie didn’t want her to train with TJ. I mostly like Nattie when I’m not busy being mildly annoyed at some scenario on this show where she is either arguing with Lana or in the middle of some weird lie, but holy shit is this conversation with Lana contrived. Like this is a made-up conversation for a made-up situation on a reality TV show that occurs nowhere in real life – bad. “At the end of the day, you’re a very important and special person to me,” says Nattie of Lana. Yup. I kind of wish they’d just do a craft project or go shopping. They show footage of Nattie and Lana fighting again. “I know we might not be perfect, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world,” says Nattie of everyone on Total Divas. As is typical, Lana and Nattie hug. For future reference, hugging should also be considered an occasion to take a drink, were you playing a drinking game.
The show-closing angle is that Brie has arranged to have wedding dresses brought to the hotel so that Nikki can try them on there. Nikki is suitably satisfied at this surprise. The Mom is there, as are two stylists named Amber and Sara. They have drinks and then Nikki tries on dresses. At least the twins can make each other happy.
Evidently, there is another season of Total Bellas forthcoming. For whatever reason Brie speculates that Nikki is pregnant – you know, Nikki Bella who just competed in the Women’s Royal Rumble a couple days ago. And will John and Nikki break up? Yeah, that’s the big teaser. Personally, I wanna see the 400 page prenup; it’s bound to be more elaborate than Nikki’s dress. There’s no air date, so, sometime in the spring of 2018 we’ll know the answer to whatever burning questions that teaser provided.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 1/24 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Rusev to Lana: “That’s all you care about, you see me not as a person, you see me as a penis..”