1/24 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Rusev to Lana: “That’s all you care about, you see me not as a person, you see me as a penis..”

By Sarah K., PWTorch Specialist


JANUARY 24, 2018

The show opens in L.A. at Chateau Mar-Miz where the Miz and Nia Jax are playing basketball; commentary excerpts from Michael Cole and Booker T are overdubed, as if the Raw announce team is calling their game. It may be one of the most humorous moments of Total Divas thus far. So, basically, if only this was the entire 44 minutes of the show. Alas, it is not.

Now, onto Smackdown where Carmella and Nattie team up against Becky Lynch and Charlotte. The heels win the match. For whatever reason, the Bella twins are backstage to chit-chat with Nattie. We’re introduced to the plot that Daniel Bryan has vertigo. Brie tells a tale of how Bryan walked to Urgent Care to get diagnosed. That is stupid. It’s 2017, call a damn cab. Also, on the scale that women and men have different thresholds for pain: I’ve had vertigo before. I driven the 30 miles to my Doctor’s office in the hopes that she would tip me upside down off the exam table – because honestly, that’s the only attempted “cure” for vertigo; the condition happens when what are basically pieces of sand in your inner ear get out of whack — no pill, ear drops, or shot is going to fix it. You literally have to wait for them to drop back into place.

Now, knowing that, these two pretend environmentalists are buying another house, and apparently in modern times there’s going to be no way for them to arrive there other than taking an RV ride with some people that Nattie knows. Yeah. Seriously, the Bella twins one-third of this episode is a dumb rich person problem. Because anyone in their right mind would hire movers, pack up their shit, have the movers take it there, and then travel by other means or when they’re well enough to travel. You know, because in 2017 (when this was filmed) not only will the movers take your possessions somewhere, for a couple extra bucks you can also get them to bring it in the house. So, regarding this plot: OMG, seriously WTF.

Next up at Lana and Rusev’s house: Lana is wearing a spaghetti strap tank top and “fashionably” ripped jeans. Rusev thinks it’s a bit inappropriate for a trip to get food; considering how much boob is showing, he’s kind of got a point. Anyway, Lana doesn’t wanna change shirts, so, Rusev says he’s leaving without shoes.

Moving on, Jon and Trinity are in a car en route to some resort. Trinity has a stomach ache and just wants to take a nap, but she does admit that the place looks amazing. Basically, it’s a “let’s see how long it takes a grown woman to admit to her man that she has an ouchie” storyline. Segue, what segue? The Miz and Maryse are visiting the “Christmas Story” house in Cleveland. The Miz’s parents are there. Back at Christmas time the footage from this shoot was a video that appeared on WWE.com, so I’m sure the Miz wearing the bunny outfit from the movie is floating around out there on YouTube. Anyhoo, the Miz discusses his shooting schedule – which is packed – with Maryse and his mom. Since it’s the Miz, this discussion is 4,000 times more diplomatic than any similar segments that have appeared on Total Divas involving John Cena’s schedule.

Moving along, Brie and Bryan are in their San Diego house (yes, three houses!). They’re packing for their home in Port Townsend, Wash. Brie is bitching that they’re probably going to have to buy disposable diapers because there won’t be a washing machine on the RV. Yup, rich people problems. Because these two dimwits are going to save the planet with cloth diapers, nevermind the environmental impact of owning multiple homes or the amount of fuel it’s taking to get them from point A to point B and point C. It’s fun to pick and choose when environmentalism is relevant and when it’s not, if you’re rich and kinda dumb, right? Yes, Brie Bella’s selective environmentalism annoys me, there’s no getting around it.

Anyway, a horn honks, and they ignore it until they get a call from the lady with the RV who is obviously outside. Neither one of them seems particularly grateful that some other human being is actually doing them a favor. Yes, this is the clip from YouTube. I watched it earlier, and seeing Brie Bella look down her nose at the two ladies who are going to ferry her and Bryan from point A to point B in their RV wasn’t an enjoyable experience. The RV ladies having matching tops with a print of a travel RV on them – they’re fun looking tops – Brie makes fun of them. Of course, the ladies got Brie and Bryan each an RV print top. One of the ladies also gifted them a painting, Brie is just as much a bitch about accepting the painting as she is about the RV print tops. There is literally nothing gracious about Brie Bella here. To top it off, the RV ladies have snacks (neatly arranged in matching containers): licorice, onion rings, chips, cheese puffs, and they have a fridge stocked with pop (yeah, I’m from Michigan, kids). Most people would just smile and nod – even if they have no intention of consuming any of it. Brie and Bryan have to point out that none of it is healthy, as if they couldn’t have been prepared with their own fare. So, basically, this segment is why I find Brie Bella unlikable in a nutshell. Brie Bella says of the RV ladies, “They seem a little cuckoo.” Commercial.

Back to Jon and Trin at the resort: It’s massage time. Trin is afraid that during the massage something is going to come out of one end or the other based on her stomach ailment. There may have been some farting. No segue, Brie and Nikki are being interviewed at the Birdie Bee offices with Forbes Magazine.  Now, back to packing up for the RV trip. Nikki shows up to tour the RV. She was nicer to the RV ladies than Brie. Also, she ate some licorice. The Danielsons and dog get on the RV. It starts off as a bumpy ride. It’s kind of fun to watch the RV ladies snickering at Brie and Bryan when Birdie poops her diaper. Now back to Trin and Jon on the beach. Apparently she still hasn’t told him that she’s got a stomach bug. So, they have a small dust up. Back on the RV, Donna doesn’t like to drive through the mountains, so, she’s going to sit down on the floor in the back of the RV – you know, the RV that belongs to her. This is, of course, some sort of inconvenience to Brie Bella, because, like, how dare the two people ferrying she and Bryan about be human with feelings and all that shit. Anyway, Brie and Bryan aren’t enchanted with riding on an RV. Unfortunately, nothing about their behavior thus far causes me to feel an ounce of sympathy for either of them.

Halfway through this episode, we’re back in the RV. The Danielsons are not enchanted with their life choices. So, I guess maybe now they know how I feel watching them on this show? Nah, that’s impossible. On a more interesting note: Rusev is moving the lawn with a push mower while wearing a speedo. Ah, the wardrobe sitcom plot. They wave to a neighbor; it’s hilariously awkward. Lana knows what he’s doing, so she takes a pic of him and posts it on Snapchat. “Damn, I look good,” Rusev proclaims upon viewing the post. We all love Rusev, don’t we? Now, for the other clip that’s available on YouTube: Maryse telling the Miz that she’s pregnant – and has like 5-6 pregnancy tests to prove it. Miz receives the news that he’s going to be a dad with much more grace and poise than Brie Bella and anything involving an RV. It’s like a contrast in charisma.

Back from commercial, we finish off the Miz and Maryse pregnancy announcement moment: “I’m going to be a dad” says Miz who then kisses his wife. Yes, it’s a sweet moment, don’t ruin it by trying to imagine how it would work with John Cena and Nikki Bella, LOL. “I’m speechless, I’m happy, I’m nervous, I’m scared,” says Miz when Maryse asks him if he’s happy. Again, don’t imagine how this would work with Nikki and John; just enjoy the moment. Anyway, for those wondering, Miz finishes his sandwich. Now, back to the RV. Brie and Bryan are not Pollyanna-ing this situation. Fortunately, the RV ladies aren’t offended that they’re being ditched. I’ll miss them. Meanwhile, after the resort thing didn’t go as planned, Trin is trying to make it up to him. Jon has to shove his head into a helmet and Trin puts on a cheerleader outfit. The scene ends with them going into the bedroom.

Almost final segment: the Danielsons are finally in Washington. Everyone watching this show would have been more enriched if they’re just continued with Jon and Trin… Moving along, there’s footage from Smackdown. Becky Lynch and Naomi win a match. No segue, Rusev decides to BBQ outside naked. Yeah, it’s pixelated. Yeah, that’s kind of a bummer. Anyway, Rusev’s friend Diego has shown up. Yeah, it’s a little awkward. Anyway, Lana threatens to swim naked. Commercial.

Back to Lana and naked Rusev. Lana is concerned that Rusev is going to burn his penis. “That’s all you care about, you see me not as a person, you see me as a penis,” says Rusev to Lana. Back in LA, Maryse is getting an ultrasound. They show the baby via the ultrasound, both Miz and Maryse are freaked out – in a good way. The due date is April 6, Wrestlemania is April 8. Since this isn’t John Cena having this moment, we don’t dwell on whether work or birth takes precedence. Anyway, Miz wants to fly to Cleveland to tell his parents in person.

Next week on Part 2 of the season finale: Nikki picks out a wedding dress and begins DWTS, Tyson Kidd makes a brief appearance, and Maryse has to inform WWE that she’s pregnant.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 1/17 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Bella Twins tension of Dancing with the Stars offer, Big Cass injury, Lana herds sheep, house hunting

2 Comments on 1/24 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Rusev to Lana: “That’s all you care about, you see me not as a person, you see me as a penis..”

  1. After watching Naomi getting her massage and the baby in the motor home I could not stomach any more of this horrible show and changed the channel. These women are suppose to be wrestlers and all they do is act like whiny bitchy low class skanks on this show. Lana disappointed me more then any other woman on this show by dropping her accent.

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