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TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 9
JANUARY 17, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Tonight’s episode centers on three stories: Nikki is going to be on Dancing With The Stars, Lana and Rusev look at houses in Bulgaria, and Carmella and Big Cass move into a house.
We start off with Carmella and Cass in some sort of food establishment. They’re both sitting on the same side of a booth, which is weird unless other people are showing up. Carmella starts white-person-rapping something that revolves around her name. Yeah. Okay. Carmella and Cass are moving to Tampa, because that’s more financially responsible than moving to L.A., which is true. Affordable housing seems to be a theme with half the women who appear on this show or, more accurately, most of the women who appear on this show who are not the Bella Twins. Thus far, housing has been a storyline for Eva, Trinity, Cameron, and Paige. Yes, I really have watched the whole series.
No segue, the Bella twins are on a plane shamelessly pimping their wine. They play act putting labels on wine bottles. Anyone who’s ever worked in a factory who knows that there’s machinery that does that accurately probably just did the people’s eyebrow with me; somewhere someone who works in an accounting office just had an aneurysm. I promise you that there is a machine for labeling bottles. But hey, their made-up celebrity name is on the bottle of wine that someone who actually owns a winery made, so, how they squander profit isn’t my problem.
Five minutes into the show: Alexa Bliss and Nia Jax appear briefly backstage. They’re at Raw, they show footage of the match where Cass hurt his leg. Three days later we know that Cass has an ACL tear and it takes nine months to heal. I think he got like five seconds to be teary on camera. Eight minutes into the show, Nattie and Naomi make their cameos on this show backstage getting made up.
Next, we have our obligatory moment with Lana. She announces that she and Rusev are going house shopping in Bulgaria since it’s the anniversary of their Bulgarian wedding. Nattie makes some comment about Bulgaria, Rusev asks her if she’s lying, she says yes, like the delightful foreigner that he is, Rusev asks “why are you lying?” In quotes news, Nattie says “I have a Louis Vuitton tampon holder.” Yes, ten minutes into the show.
The Bella Twins and Bryan are in New York to do media. Nikki gets a phone call about doing “Dancing With The Stars.” For whatever reason Nikki has to whisper the news to Brie. Cue some DWTS footage – where they blurred out the faces of the people dancing. Yes, that really just happened. Mind blown, considering that this airs on E!, and even though I’m not a regular viewer – I can’t imagine E! having something more pressing to talk about than the DWTS wardrobe on one of their endless Fashion Police style shows, so, really, they just blurred the faces out of the footage for this show? Wow.
Brie, the one with the lower IQ, is immediately pissed. Yes, she asks, “What’s more important: Birdie Bee and wine, which is our lives until the end of time, or what you’re going to do for three months?” I can guarantee you that Nikki being on DWTS means more than their third-rate imitation Tommy Hilfiger underwear line which in three years will be a “remember that time when” punchline. Anyone remember when John Cena (who has some sort of degree in sports nutrition) had that line of meal solutions? Oh, just me?
Back from the first commercial, Lana and Rusev meet Rusev’s mom at the airport. No segue, Nattie, her parents, and, OMG, TJ are assembled in the kitchen of Nattie’s house. Yes, TJ/Tyson Kidd siting 19 minutes in. Nattie is showing off her title and her Barbie doll. Nattie brings out ring jackets so that she and her father can take an Instagram photo. Meanwhile, Carmella and Cass need to move. It’s three days past Cass’s knee surgery, so moving is an issue. Back in Bulgaria, Lana and Rusev are house hunting. Rusev wants something in the country, Lana wants something fancy and nice.
Carmella and Cass move in. It’s a nice big expensive house. Carmella is stressing over the move. No segue, Brie and Bryan are walking through the streets of New York. Brie admits that was kind of a bitch about the DWTS thing, and she’s stressed about the launch of this wine and clothing brand. Meanwhile in Bulgaria, Rusev and Lana are eating breakfast with Rusev’s family. Lana makes a bet with Rusev with whether or not she can do farm stuff. If she does the farm stuff, then they’re buying a mansion instead of a country house.
Back in Tampa, Carmella’s Dad and sister, Bree, show up to help them move. Here we learn that Carmella’s dad used to be a job guy way back in the day. This is one of the clips from YouTube. Carmella’s dad talks to Cass about wrestling, while Bree tries to suggest that Cass is going to ask Carmella’s dad for his blessing.
Back to Bulgaria, Lana and Rusev are in a village to perform the activities of this bet. Lana has to herd sheep. Lana succeeds. Next up, Lana learns to chop wood. There’s a trick to it. There’s one more challenge to go… so, the next scene is Nattie visiting Carmella’s new house. There’s a brief tour of the house, but Nattie is suffering anxiety about now losing the championship that she’s finally won after all these years. Carmella tells Nattie about worrying whether or not Cass is going to propose. You don’t suppose the camera people could have just told Carmella what was filmed?
Nattie does a decent job of trying to comfort Carmella. Maybe there should be more Nattie and Carmella moments on this show – because it’s certainly nicer than watching her argue with Lana. Anyway, they have wine. Moving along, the Bellas are being interviewed by Good Housekeeping. That lasted for almost a whole minute. Anyhoo, Brie has a gift for Nikki as an apology for being angry about the DWTS thing. Brie got Nikki dancing shoes. Now, back in Bulgaria, it’s the final challenge: milking a cow. First Lana milks the cow, then Rusev tries it. He admits he’s never milked a cow before. So, maybe Rusev isn’t that much of a country boy. Anyway, Lana wins the bet. Commercial.
Rusev and Lana go to a winery. There’s an event. It involves cooking, picking grapes, and drinking wine. Rusev and Lana hug and kiss, and Lana says she’s okay with a small house in the village. Moving along, Nattie and Naomi have a rematch for the title in Vegas. They air some match footage. Naomi taps out to Natalya. So, Nattie’s still the champ.
Next week on Total Divas: part 1 of the 2 part season finale – Brie and Bryan do a road trip in an RV, Naomi and Jimmy Uso seem to not be on the same page on a vacation, Rusev and Lana argue about her wardrobe, and Maryse will tell the Miz that she’s pregnant.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 1/10 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Maryse’s “Sex in the City” party, Ziggler has advice for Lana, plus Cena, Nattie, Alexa, Bellas