SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS (episode ten)
JULY 29, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK
To recap: John Cena promises to reverse a vasectomy, Daniel Bryan returns to the ring, Nikki Bella wedding planned without John… and, spoiler alert, tonight we’ll find out that John and Nikki don’t get married, and unless you live under a rock you know that Daniel Bryan came back and had that brief feud with Big Cass before Big Cass was fired. Brie, Nikki, and Bryan open the show in a restaurant discussing how he got cleared. Then back to planning for the wedding that doesn’t happen. John isn’t there, to it’s the twins checking out the venue and picking out food and drinks. According to what Nikki has picked out: John is going to love it. I doubt that, but whatever. We are reminded that John Cena had that crappy Undertaker “will he or won’t he” match at Mania.
Four years prior, Bryan was the main event of WrestleMania. It’s in New Orleans again. Nikki comments that “it’s so weird to not be on the banner.” Yeah, it ought to be a no-brainer than performers who aren’t on a show aren’t on the promo materials for the show. Footage is shown of John proposing. At WM34 there was a display of a John Cena Barbie doll proposing to a Nikki Bella Barbie doll. We get a close up of that, presumably because most fans of the Bella twins are old enough to play with Barbies? Hell if I know. Commercial.
We come back to Hall of Fame footage. Titus O’Neil cameo. Footage of both the twins with their significant others is shown. Everyone is on their best behavior. Moving on to the day of Mania. It’ll probably be like four minutes on this show, where as in real life it went on for ten hours. The Bella family is gathered around a table. Nikki is wearing a stupid red knit cap. She’s not a fashion maven; what else is there to say? For whatever reason, there are dick jokes about this hat. Renee Young does a voiceover about Mania, footage of fans is shown. The twins are backstage and Bryan jumps off of a golf cart ferrying a variety of cruiserweights and Chad Gable in order to retrieve a Starbuck’s tea from Brie. Bryan also steals Nikki’s stupid hat. Anyway, we get a montage of Daniel Bryan’s journey again as if we incurred a head injury and needed to be re-reminded that he retired based on concussions and eventually came back. The Mania set is shown with fireworks. The Bella twins point out that they’re not actually on the show. Match footage airs. Oh FFS, Nikki is still wearing that stupid red hat. Slow dramatic music plays as Bryan talks about having his first match back. This is the part where I admit I’m not huge into Daniel Bryan, so, like, uh huh, I remember everyone discussing this enthusiastically three months ago and not feeling it then either. It is what it is.
Back from commercial, Daniel Bryan’s WM entrance is played. So, if you’re a big Bryan fan, 18-24 minutes into the show is your spot. There’s an inset of Bryan discussing his comeback. Yada yada yada. Match footage is shown. Sami Zayn taps out to Daniel Bryan. Bryan is happy. Brie and Bryan hug after the match, and she shows him a picture of Birdie watching the match on television. It’s a gushy happy moment. Also, pretty sure that’s on YouTube. So, that ended at 28 minutes in. Now, onto John Cena’s match with Taker. They skip the god awful set-up for this match where John Cena was too pathetic to be able to get a match and sat in the crowd. Anyhoo, that was over with in a minute. Literally, minute 29 and they move on to Brie and Bryan discussing their anniversary. Nikki is interrupting their dinner with texts. Brie initially doesn’t respond. Bryan got Brie a set of diamond earrings as an anniversary gift. Nikki texts some more, and then calls. Nikki is calling to announce that she and John are calling off the wedding again. Commercial.
The conversation between Brie and Nikki is resumed. Nikki is going back to San Diego, presumably to gather her possessions. The scene with the twins and the Mom in the car is shown – this was on YouTube. John wants them to work on themselves as a couple, Nikki wants to take time to work on herself. John has apparently given her a few days to decide if she wants to continue to be a couple. “You can’t put a time limit on it, you just can’t,” may be the wisest thing that Nikki has ever said about this relationship. And then she says the dumbest thing in the world: “John deserves so much more.” Uh, no, bullsh–. John needs to work for it just like everyone else. That includes learning that real couples don’t sacrifice, they compromise.
The family sans J.J. is gathered in Brie and Bryan’s kitchen. John has tweeted something akin to being kicked in the nuts. Oh, scandalous. Nikki goes back to John’s San Diego house to sleep off the drama of the last few days. The next day Nikki goes back over to Brie’s house. They discuss her evening. Nikki is about to give up on her six year relationship. She says: “It’s not his fault, it’s not my fault.” She’s wrong, it’s definitely largely his fault for being so inflexible.
Brie and Nikki go to the beach. According to Brie this is Nikki’s happy place. Yeah, so, nevermind the four cajillion times they’ve proclaimed that Napa Valley is their own heaven on earth. Evidently Nikki had an open conversation with John – not filmed, of course. So, they’ve broken up. “If you don’t feel like you’re making the right decision – don’t do it,” and “you have to follow your heart,” and something about sunsets are Nikki’s advice. So, the show ends with Nikki and Brie drinking wine on the beach. Brie has gotten them “best friends” jean jackets. Kinda makes you wish the show had writers.
Anyway, a brief preview is shown for Total Divas, which returns in September. My greatest hope is that season 3 was the last season of Total Bellas.