SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS (episode nine)
JULY 22, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK
A brief preamble. Yes, hello to all the fun people reading this. If you’re like me, then you’re not fascinated by whether John and Nikki are together or broken up. You’re actually just annoyed that it’s been dragged this whole time. So, while I was illustrating cacti earlier today, I wondered if I could construct a timeline of the actual events leading up to this bachelorette party that goes nowhere. If memory serves me, the footage of John and Nikki breaking up in some random bedroom in Napa Valley was aired as a teaser for the then-upcoming season of Total Bellas in late January of 2018. Meaning that had already happened, probably before Christmas. Stay with me here. On the Bella Twins YouTube channel, Nikki announces that she’s leaving for the bachelorette party in Paris on a video that was posted on Feb. 26. The breakup announcement was posted on Apr. 15. Their wedding was supposed to be on May 5. So, a polite reminder that other than cut-out shots, all of the footage from Paris in tonight’s episode was shot way back in March. The break-up went public in April. And this show has pretended that they got back together between then, despite the fact that they are showing footage out of order. That’s probably why if you’ve been watching this you’ve often been scratching your head and wondering WTF? The only thing that would have been filmed for this show after it premiered in May would have been the wedding that never takes place.
So, this episode is the follow up to last week’s lamest bachelorette party ever – Part 1, oh, and Bryan is making a comeback. The show opens in Paris with generic French music. Brie has two days to plan a masquerade ball. Brie and Lauren are going to learn how to mime. If anything they do in this episode is as lame as the last episode, then I would rather see Brie and Lauren practice mime for 44 minutes. So, no segue, Lauren and Nikki have breakfast and they discuss John. It’s nothing earth shattering. Then Mom and Creepy Brother go wander around Paris and buy some chocolates. Creepy brother is planning on pranking his sisters, which will be fun for no one – those of us watching included. They’re planning to TP the chateau, because ugly Americans commit stupid crimes in foreign countries. Nikki has plans to do tea time. Oh Christ. Nikki Bella loves how Marie Antoinette was a “party girl.” Yeah, she really said that. Yes, teenage girls, find better role models. Anyway, they’re doing tea time while Mom and Creepy Brother are out doing shots. There is nothing fun about watching tea time. Also, there’s something confusing about the armpit / shoulder-sleeve joints on Nikki’s top. Seriously, I have no idea why any designer would put a scallop style poof there. Commercial.
The girls go dress shopping at a costume shop. That would have been more entertaining than tea time had it lasted for more than one minute. No segue, Creepy Brother has purchased toilet paper and shaving cream. I sigh. The girls are all dressed in black and getting ready to have dinner at the Chateau, meanwhile Mom, Creepy Brother, and Mom’s friend are going to commit petty vandalism, also dressed all in black. The trio stands in the cellar and tries to scare the ladies while they have dinner. It doesn’t work. So, JJ barges in like mad man, which I guess is briefly scary.
Back from commercial, the Chateau is being readied for the masquerade ball, which, God willing, will not be as lame as tea time. For whatever reason, almost every woman is wearing a dress that is far too small in the chest, and their tits are mashed into their torsos. So, 30 minutes into the show for anyone who has a fetish for that. Nikki does a mock walk down the aisle (clip from YouTube). She acts like she’s going to marry a bust – of Napoleon. So, everyone is in costume and masks and is walked to a large dining table by strippers. French music plays and footage of food is shown. Nikki thinks one of the stripper / waiters looks like Bo Dallas. Bo Dallas probably could have made this show more entertaining. The word “sacrifice” is mentioned. Yeah, the correct word is compromise; people who sacrifice are in a doomed relationship.
Brie and random woman at the bachelorette party pretend to do opera in a made-up foreign language. No doubt, if you’re drunk that is probably very entertaining? Then the stripper-waiters come in and smash plates on the floor. They pick Nikki up and tie her to a chair and do a stripper routine, yes, including the one that looks like Bo Dallas. Sadly, all the man strippers are wearing granny panties for men. Yeah, not a single speedo. That was kinda sad.
Back from break, Brie and Lauren get made up like mimes. There’s a bit of mime practice before they make their grand entrance. If you are plastered right now, this may be riotously funny. Sadly, I am not hammered. In a cut-away, Brie and Nikki hug on a couch over this moment. So, in the remaining 12 minutes it’s time for the Bryan storyline they’ve been teasing throughout this show. Yeah, back to San Diego. Brie and Bryan discuss his testing. Bryan is trying to get cleared to wrestle. This is the last doctor he has to get cleared by before the WWE doctor. “I’m passionate about other things, but there’s nothing I’m as passionate about as wrestling,” Bryan is shown saying, then they show snippets of his retirement speech. Fast forward to three weeks later in Dallas, Tex. “Not being a Superstar for the last few years has been very difficult for me.” Yeah, Bryan just said Superstar and not wrestler. Probably no teenage girls noticed, but I’m pretty sure a vein in Wade’s forehead just pulsed and bulged. (Editor’s Note: Yes.). WWE BS corporate speak extends to “Total Bellas,” (eye roll). Bryan talks about being forced to retire, instead of choosing to retire. This is where he’s about to go out and announce to the crowd that he’s been cleared to wrestle.
Indeed, back from commercial, Bryan is en route to the ring to make the announcement that he’s been cleared to return. He talks about his special connection with the WWE fans. At least he called them fans and not the WWE Universe. Ha ha, real language has infiltrated WWE corporate speak. Yes, Bryan as been cleared. Xavier Woods hugs him backstage. Bryan then Face Times with Brie and Birdie.
Next week on the season finale of the show: Bryan will wrestle at WrestleMania, and Nikki and John will not get married.