SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 6
OCTOBER 24, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with Michael Cole welcoming us to Raw as Nia Jax and Natalya wander around backstage and talk about “the girls” getting together for her birthday. Charlie Caruso and Titus O’Neil have cameos with a cupcake cake. Of course the Bella twins are going to be at this party because, well, WTF else do they do? Paige and Lana are also along for the party. They hired a twenty-something named Brandon to be their personal bartender for the duration of this party. Supposedly there will be surprises. Yeah, I’m not excited. Surprises on this show are always a massive letdown or completely lame. Anyway, the girls congregate around a pool and there’s a dude there with a camera, probably because this is being filmed by E! network who would like people to watch this damned show, no? Paige flips off the photographer. Commercial.
Back from commercial, nothing exciting is happening at this party. Lana screams “jello shots” repeatedly. And we learn that Brandon is 21. So, the bartender is barely legal! They rented a Lamborghini; Nattie drives, Nia is the passenger. The second surprise of the night is “naked sushi.” And since our protagonists are ladies – the naked person is a dude. This crowd is not she-she enough to actually get drunk and eat the sushi off the dude. Back at the hotel, the Bellas, Paige, and Nattie sit around a table and Nattie decides to prank Lana… because we’ve only heard Lana scream once so far this episode. Yeah, Nattie needs better storylines on this show. Commercial.
After the break, the girls burst into Lana’s room, spray her with champagne, and throw whipped cream in her face. Lana takes a shower. Lana then douses Nattie with champagne. And then they wrestle on a bed. So, like, dudes, if this is what you masturbate to – then 25 minutes into this show then. “Give me a hug, you little wombat,” Nattie says to Lana the next day at breakfast. Then we move on to lunch where Nia Jax is having her makeup done, and, dude, it looks weird. Then two random women arrive.
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So, the two random women are dance instructors. Evidently there will be a dance off. Yes, the girls will split up into two teams, learn a dance, and then perform them in public. It’ll be Nattie, Nikki, and Brie against Nia, Lana, and Paige. Commence the learning of dance moves. That’s like 36 minutes in, for the heterosexual dudes watching this show alone in a private room in your house. “I love dancing, and I’ve wanted to expand my dancing horizons for so long,” says Nattie in a cutaway. I mean, she sounded somewhat convincing lying, right? The girls then go outside and have drinks and, OMG, there’s paparazzi. Yes, pretend to act surprised.
So, a bunch of people who are on a reality TV show because they appear on another TV show discuss how weird it is to be photographed like famous people. Yup, that really happened. Random beach shots. The group is assembled on the balcony, again the paparazzi are present. Nikki decides to pretend like she’s with Brandon the bartender. Nikki Bella says of the situation: “I’m just over letting it affect me… So l might just wanna throw that out the door for a bit. Like not caring about what people think. I just wanna live my life.” Yes, the girl being filmed for the reality TV show said that. Yes, seriously.
And so, 48 minutes into the show the girls get ready for their dance off. I assume this footage is for you heterosexual dudes watching this show alone in your own homes. Anyway, the girls are gathered around a table. Brie tries to get Lana drunk with fireball shots. And it’s almost time for Brie’s surprise. If anyone hasn’t figured this out, it’s going to be Nia’s Mom.
Back from commercial, Nia’s mom and Nattie’s mom have both arrived at the restaurant. Tears are cried. They toast to each other. There is then footage of the girls partying on a party bus. So, like, if that’s your thing, enjoy it. And we’re finally at some sort of club to have this dance off. Team Nattie goes first. For whatever reason during team Nia’s dance, Nikki Bella is surprised that Nia is so confident dancing in a club, to which I sit in my living room thinking: Right, Nia was a plus-sized model and she’s on a TV show performing in an arena in front of thousands of fans every week – why would she not be “confident” doing a dance in a club? Seriously. Anyway, Nia’s team wins.
Next week: Lana and Rusev throw a birthday party for Birdie, oh, and Rusev still wants kids, but is Lana ready to do that yet?
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