SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 7
OCTOBER 31, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Why is this show on on Halloween?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? You may have heard me scream that earlier this afternoon from deep within my home as, before I could walk out the door and go to work, I had to run back to my living room and make sure I was recording Total Divas. Keep in mind: It’s Halloween, and thus I had stayed up way too late last night making Halloween color themed cupcakes for my coworkers (let’s just say there were 67 of them). There is no rational reason for this show to be on tonight – the holiday for all us adults who never grew up. A man in a hockey mask isn’t going to murder anyone on this show, so, if I seem super-snippy, it’s because this shouldn’t be happening.
The show opens with moments of my life that I will never get back: Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan are talking about internet slang and abbreviations. I did not need to see that. Sheamus sighting. Backstage Paige asks people what jobs they’ve had besides wrestling in order to set up a terrible angle for this episode. For whatever reason, they’re discussing qualifying matches for Money in the Bank. Lana has a match against Billie Kaye. Not sure if they bothered to announce her name or you just had to know. Lana wins, so, she was in the match. I admit, I don’t remember this match, because the last women’s MITB match I remember was Carmella. Spoiler alert: Alexa Bliss won the match. Ha ha, that was not a memorable angle. Anyway, Paige and Nia Jax are going to work at a pizza place.
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Lana is going to have Bryan help her with her ladder match skills. Brie, Bryan, and Nikki are there to greet Lana and Rusev. Again, I would love Total Rusev; that, I would happily watch on Halloween. Rusev and Nikki have a chat. Birdie didn’t have a first birthday party… evidently proving that my parents were awesome. Yeah, there are photos to document that it happened. Anyway, Rusev is going to plan this. Yeah, that should be worth it. So, Nia and Paige are going to work at a pizzeria; it’s somehow going to be a competition. Basically, Nia is a better server and better at making pizzas.
Lana has to learn how to open a ladder and put it in the ring. We get a driving sequence. Brie / Bryan / Lana in one car talking about Lana potentially having a baby. And Nikki and Rusev in a car talking about having a baby. Anyway, the latter group goes to a bakery where Rusev wants to get a large piece of bread that will have an imprint of Birdie’s feet baked into it. Have I mentioned Total Rusev? Again, I’d rather watch that on Halloween. Then they pick a venue.
Meanwhile, Nia and Paige are going to see who’s better at Redi Pedi Cab. Nia give up first, so, Paige wins this round. Lana, Rusev, Brie, and Nikki sit around a table and discuss this baby thing again. Lana obviously doesn’t want a kid right now.
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Nia and Paige are going to work at a bowling alley. So, they clean pins, get a stuck ball, and have to look through garbage for an old lady’s glasses. Paige quits. So, Nia wins. Onto toy shopping with Nikki and Rusev. Evidently there’s a Bulgarian tradition involving a baby’s first birthday where the baby is presented with a number of toys and whichever toy the baby chooses will be its future career. Nikki tries to talk Rusev out of wanting a baby. It wasn’t that convincing. Moving on, Lana trains more with Brie and Bryan. Brie reinforces that Lana doesn’t presently want to have a baby.
Surprise! It’s Birdie’s 13 month birthday. The parents – who have, no doubt, told people how old their daughter is in months and half months – act like this is weird. Anyway, their friends and family are present. They eat the bread with the feet impression. And Birdie picks a chef’s toy. Then the party ends with Lana and Rusev having to talk about having a kid. Rusev has apparently given up on having a child because Lana has “dreams and ambitions.” See, Total Rusev. They kiss and everyone is happy. Oh, also, Rusev is dressed as a clown and makes balloon animals. Shit, that lasted for like 20 seconds, it should have been all 44 minutes of this episode.
Next week: Naomi gets a secret apartment and Lana and Paige have a huge argument that involves someone getting a drink thrown in their face.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 10/24 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Naked sushi as Nikki flirts with a 21 year old bartender, Lana sprayed with champaign and takes a shower, Nia surprises Nikki on dance floor