TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 8
NOVEMBER 7, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Oh, it’s a “the girls go on a trip” episode, where inevitably people fight and drinks are thrown. Oh, c’mon, that was the preview. In the beginning it’s established that Naomi will show up to this trip late because she has an extended family thing in Atlanta. Now onto Lake Tahoe.
As per the usual, a house on a lake has been rented for this expedition. Brie suggests that this trip is going to be different than other trips. I doubt that. They’re going to drink, someone will fight, and inevitably there will be bikinis – because that’s every “girl’s trip” episode. The incident where some idiot fan called Paige “fat” is discussed. Paige is not fat. Meanwhile, Naomi has drinks with Tamina and some other lady. She and Jimmy Uso live in Pensecola to be near his kids, to whom Naomi is a step parent. The problem is that Naomi’s family lives in Atlanta, and she feels she doesn’t see them enough, and that mentioning this will be selfish.
Anyway, Lana has arrived in Tahoe. She’s not amused with the running gag that she always gets a shitty room. Other than that, she gets paid to be on this show; I’m not sure why she does anything with the rest of these women, since it’s kind of obvious that they’re not really friends. Remember the Total Rusev episode a couple episodes back? Yeah, it was magical because Lana and Rusev didn’t have a drunken screaming match with each other. Uh huh.
After the first commercial, Nia arrives. Lana and Paige then argue about the room; Paige gets the awesome room, and Lana has been given a crappy room as per the running gag that isn’t really funny. Paige goes off on Lana, calling her a brat. Honestly, it makes Paige look like a jackass. I don’t feel spiffy watching a show where a group of girls always acts shitty to one girl and we’re all supposed to think it’s funny. It’s not. It’s just cringy. Also, I’m old, and I’ve seen Paige in action, so I’m already predisposed to side with Lana, and I think I’ve mentioned that the “prank” thing is tasteless, but I haven’t yet danced a jig on the grave of that dead horse.
So, basically, the next five minutes is establishing that Paige and Lana aren’t friends and then Lana cries to Rusev on facetime. Rusev says the thing that most of us may have wondered: “Okay, so why are you still there?” What doesn’t really merit being mentioned is that Nikki Bella is a clueless airhead who cannot fathom how women on a vacation could argue over a room, and the actual word she used to describe the situation was “ungrateful.” To which I sat in my living room and screamed “f—, she’s stupid!” at my television. Yes, those are my real feelings.
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Meanwhile, Naomi is in Atlanta where presently no one is arguing. Naomi and friends dance and drink at a club. Again, no one argues! Oh, sh–, back to this mess in Tahoe. Lana tells tells everyone goodbye, and for whatever reason Brie Bella, who has the IQ of a f—ing stapler, thinks she’s going to handle this situation. Yeah, this is doomed.
So, Paige doesn’t like Lana because Lana tweeted something about Charlotte kicking Paige’s ass (in a scripted match with a predetermined outcome) way back when Paige was feuding with Charlotte and, like a brain-dead asshole, did the angle where she said shitty things about Reid Flair – Charlotte’s dead brother. Wow. Just wow. And holy sh–, Paige has got a long way to go before she can attain the mantle of adulthood that is maturity if she’s still holding a grudge over a f—ing tweet. I didn’t like Paige before; she sure as sh– didn’t earn any sympathy points here.
After the commercial break, Paige and Lana argue some more. Paige cries. After learning about the tweet, those tears don’t elicit empathy. Nattie gives Lana sh—y advice. Yes, girls, what Nattie said to Lana – don’t do that, don’t apologize to someone who’s sh—y to you. Amazingly, Paige’s boyfriend tells her what someone ought to tell her, which is to calm the f— down and stop being hyper aggressive and completely lacking in empathy. I guess Lana and Paige make up? And then Lana throws a drink in Paige’s face… which was a joke? Okay. I hate this f—ing show.
Back from commercial, it’s dark and all the girls are wrapped in blankets and gathered around a table where we learn that Nikki Bella is an annoying camp counselor who is trying to lord over everyone’s vacation with phone blackouts, mandatory journaling, and, yeah, my brain clocked out after she said something about taking the time to write in a journal while on vacation, because this is every overbearing bitch I’ve ever tried to avoid at every turn in every facet of my social life. Imagine being told you need to take time to journal on a vacation. SMH. Okay, 36 minutes into the episode and Brie Bella is drunk. Better role models kids, get better role models. Meanwhile in Atlanta, Naomi has to tell Uncle Buck that she can only come to visit like once a month. And then basically, there are drinks and they dance in a hotel room.
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Forty-four minutes into the show is “the girls in bikinis on the lake” time. Oh, and Paige and Nia retrieved their phones from the captivity that jackass adult camp counselor Nikki Bella put them in. Oh yeah, this is footage for horny dudes. Kind of makes me wish there was a men’s Total Divas; my inner feminist thinks it would be totally just to see Sheamus, Rusev, Jimmy Uso, and like Titus O’Neil lounging around in man thongs at a pool midway thru every episode (I assume the show has to be booked off of whoever has already appeared on this show… because otherwise, I’m going to fantasy book Total Man Divas with like the members of the Shield, maybe Elias, Rusev, Sheamus, maybe Cesaro, and now that I’ve paused to look over the roster, yes, that’s my selection of man meat, I suppose).
What? Oh Christ, there’s more of Lana discussing her fight with Paige. Lana has basically done the adult thing and realized that she and Paige just don’t have to be best buds – which may be the first decent life lesson of this season. For whatever reason, the Bella twins think that Lana and Paige are going to make up. And I am re-upping my feeling that they are not that bright. So, Naomi, Tamina, and random friend go to look at apartments. So, I guess the plot thickens?
Paige talks to her mother and father on the phone. She’s unhappy about being fat-shamed by morons. There’s a part of me that actually wishes she had the chutzpah of the character that she supposedly plays on TV and basically points out that anyone who is fat-shaming her is a f—ing moron. When someone insults you and you take the insult to heart, then you’ve given the power to the other person. Real badasses don’t give a f— about what other people think. And in real life, Paige is a far cry from what we’re apparently supposed to think she is on TV. Badass, she is not. Also, her father calls the place “Lake Taco,” so, personality points for Dad.
Oh, it’s almost the end of the show, so, I guess it’s finally time for Naomi and Jimmy Uso to talk about moving to Atlanta. Jimmy doesn’t want to talk about it. Jimmy is not receptive to this idea. So, I guess maybe it’ll be resolved on the next episode.
Next week: More girl’s vacation in Tahoe stuff.