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TOTAL BELLAS (SEASON 4, EPISODE 2)
JANUARY 20, 2019
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with some hip hop music that there is no way anyone who appears on this show listens to. Less than a minute in and the phrase “comeback” has already been used. The clip that can be found on YouTube of Nia Jax and Nikki Bella sitting on a bed discussing dating and kids opens the show. I wish I cared, but I’m not sure which kind of lobotomy I would have to have to do that. Nia is likeable, but even she can’t save this.
Moving along, Nikki brings Brie some sample tits. Brie is bitching because she has saggy tits. Hey, she said it. Brie tries on the fake tits; they look fake. I would know, because my boobs are bigger than hers. Yes, they are. Moving along, because how could we possibly have a scene that lasts more than a minute, Nikki and Creepy brother are in a park throwing a football and a Frisbee at a large crack in a tree which they are calling a vagina. No, the discourse has, in fact, not been raised. Again, teenage girls: READ A BOOK!!!!!!!!!
That commercial break wasn’t nearly long enough. Brie is trying out fake boobs. Daniel Bryan is not on the fake boob train, Brie is. Bryan has a holistic approach to beauty, and, really, no woman does. Bryan jokes about getting a testicle lift. Bryan then wonders if a boob job affects breast feeding. Bryan still stresses that he isn’t on the boob job train. Brie takes the test lifts out and the baby plays with them. That was probably the comedy highlight of this show. Meanwhile, it’s Summerslam. Brief cameos by blonde Carmella and Matt Hardy. Bryan is having a match with Miz at Summerslam. Bryan recites the entire storyline of how the Miz mocked his forced retirement. They show match footage. Commercial.
Back from break, the match concludes and Renee interviews the Bellas backstage. It’s the angle where the Bellas are pretending to be fans of Ronda during her match with Alexa Bliss. Oh f— me, for Nikki “this comeback is all about women empowerment.” Yes, she said it wrong, it’s “women’s empowerment.” Girls, get role models with college degrees. Find a nice microbiologist or a Supreme Court justice. Anyhoo, Ronda wins. Everyone hugs backstage. Mom and Creepy Brother join Brie at a restaurant somewhere in New York. Brie is wearing the test lifts again. Mom is going to find a guy for Nikki to date, cue Andre.
Brie, Birdie and a stroller, Johnny Ace, the Mom, Creepy Brother, and Johnny Ace’s daughter Mia are walking in Central Park. They are planning this blind date with Andre for Nikki. They can’t tell her they planned it. Later that evening, swap out Brie and Birdie for Nikki, and everyone has dinner. I like Johnny Ace, but he’s talking about having the Bella Twins mentor his daughter to be a wrestler… Yeah, the guy who’s the brother of one of the Road Warriors needs to have the Bellas, of all people, mentor his daughter to be a wrestler. Turns out, what Mia really wants to be is a model. Good. Nikki feels that she has connections in the modeling world. Commercial.
Brie and the Mom discuss breast implants in the car en route to a consultation. Going to this consultation will let Brie know “where I really stand with my boobs.” Again, teenage girls: READ A BOOK!!! The doctor examines Brie’s pixelated breasts. Her options are implants, or using her own fat to form implants. The doctor says to wait to do any procedure until after having another kid. Thus Brie is presently undecided. Moving along, a lady named Nicolette is going to take photos of Mia wearing Birdee Bee merch. Creepy Brother and Nikki are in a car and he’s trying to talk her into going on a blind date. This is the other footage from YouTube of the entire family gathered at an outdoor table at a restaurant where Creepy Brother pretends Andre is his friend. Since Andre’s face isn’t blurred, he’s obviously agreed to all of this.
After break, Nikki is irritated that her family tried to set her up on a date. The Mom has to apologize to the group for trying to set her kid up on a date. They then discuss Mia modeling Birdee Bee in front of Johnny, which is apparently somehow an issue? Fortunately, Ace doesn’t have a weird Dad meltdown. Ace would just like to be kept in the loop apparently. After the dinner, Nikki castigates the family for trying to set her up on a date. Moving along, Brie is going back to WWE TV. They then have to figure out how to schedule child car.
Next week: Nikki’s continued adventures in dating, Birdie cries when her parents leave for work, oh, and the Bella Twins return to having matches on WWE TV.