1/27 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 3): Bryan drinks out of a plastic straw, Rich People Problems, Cena-free Nikki partying it up, Cigars

TOTAL BELLAS (SEASON 4, EPISODE 3)
JANUARY 27, 2019
AIRED ON E!

Tonight’s episode will be all about rich people problems. Brie Bella, Daniel Bryan, and Nikki Bella meet at a restaurant. (There is a plastic straw in Bryan’s drink. Just saying.) They have a non-conversation where Nikki establishes she’s not moving. Oh, and they say “comeback” two times, so, take a drink. Cue the red Ferrari convertible. Yeah, these are rich people problems. This was a clip on YouTube. Nikki and Brie then appear at a house show, er, “live event.” They practice their entrance. Their opponents are the Riott Squad. The Bella Twins are booked to win. Moving along, they show the YouTube clip of Nikki’s beach house – where everyone recognizes her. Commercial.

That commercial break wasn’t nearly long enough for me to get a drink. Nikki and the Mom drive in a car and she talks about having a dude touch her boobs. Yes, Season 4 of Total Bellas has no reason to happen. None at all. In the evening Brie comes over to see Nikki’s place, which apparently costs $20,000 per month. Yup, these are rich people problems. Sadly, I guess John Cena’s financial skills didn’t rub off on Nikki. Moving along, Brie buys Birdie a giant teddy bear. This is also a YouTube clip. The child does not want the bear. They make no effort to make the bear seem lovable, which in it’s own special way is mindless consumerism. The “new” Daniel Bryan should be ashamed of himself. Just saying. Commercial.

The next segment is where Nikki talks about renting out a bar. They are in some sort of “Cuban-inspired” speak easy / cigar bar. As Keith Olbermann taught me many years ago (when he talked about having a growth removed from the roof of his mouth on an episode of “Countdown”): Cigars are bad for you. Seriously, any teenage girl watching this – the Bella Twins are not role models, they’re irresponsible quasi-famous people and you should not look to them for inspiration because cigar smoking causes cancer; do not imitate them. Yeah, I don’t “feel better” watching this show. And yeah, Brie just said “feel better” like five times. Moving along, a child development specialist does an in-home visit for Brie and Bryan. As this lady talks, Birdie plays with a plastic toy! For shame, “new” Daniel Bryan. Anyhoo, the professional lady explains that no one remembers anything before the age of three. Brie says “comeback” again, take a drink.

Back to Nikki’s beach house. Nikki gets a letter… from her real estate agent. Evidently the Mom thought it was a stalker fan letter. The Mom has brought over some sort of a DNA kit and a bat. My mom would have been a better mother who just had the ability to talk me out of buying a beach front house. Oh, now the Mom has a knife. Moving along, Brie and Bryan are leaving for Smackdown and reinforce what most people know – that watching other people’s toddlers does not make interesting television. You know, the funny thing is that some mothers just take their young children with them. There are examples throughout the entertainment industry since I just accidentally watched a Kelly Clarkson interview where she talked about taking her kids out on tour. So, all this fuss over the issue of leaving a small child with relatives or a nanny seems a lot like a simple inability to otherwise solve a knowable problem… you know, like the episode where Brie and Bryan traveled on an RV that was piloted by Nattie’s friends when they could have just taken a plane. We appear to have learned nothing when the solutions are knowable. Also, seriously, these are still rich people problems.

Random footage of backstage at Smackdown is shown, so, brief cameos by Naomi, Paige, and Sheamus. Bryan is excited for their impending mixed tag storyline. It would be more fun if we had some Miz cameos. They show the promo between Miz & Maryse and Bryan & Brie. Brie punches Miz. I guess the silver lining is that she didn’t hit him the way Nia Jax clobbered Becky Lynch. So, this established the mixed tag at Hell in a Cell. “Ass kicking, diaper changing, face punching, hot mama,” is how Bryan describes Brie. Moving on to Nikki’s “block party.” A bunch of random people show up for this party. This does not go over huge with Brie or the Mom.

Brie wants to know from Nikki, their friend Olivia, and their friend Eileen if Nikki is having a mid-life crisis. Nikki claims that she’s “blooming.” Cena-free Nikki is apparently not one of financial responsibility. There’s alcohol, so, all the randos at the party are having fun. They do keg-stands. Okay. Teenage girls, go read a book. By the way, there’s some really obnoxious soundtrack music on this show. Then there’s the part of the show where Nikki meets Artem from Dancing With The Stars. Nikki has given interviews since this show finished filming where she’s admitted that she hasn’t seen Artem since they filmed whatever they filmed for this show, so, like, don’t get excited – this is scripted, it’s “reality TV” after all. Anyway, Nikki meets with Artem and then they throw up a black screen with “to be continued” in white writing.

Next week: Brie’s botches in the ring, training with Ronda Roussey, and Nikki pretends to date Artem.

CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 1/20 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 2): Brie tries on some fake breasts and consults Bryan about her options, Nikki irritated that family tries to set her up on date