3/3 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 7): Bryan composting toddler poop, Nikki gets wrong brand of licorice, Brie contemplates being a valley, Bellas turn on Ronda Rousey

By Sarah K, PWTorch contributor


MARCH 3, 2019

The show opened by reminding us of last week’s episode… where Brie cried about being bad in the ring for half the episode, and I have to pretend to care about an arranged date between people on reality TV shows. Anyway, last week’s episode ended with Peter leaning in to kiss Nikki. Like a pre-teen girl, she backs away from the kiss. Yup, Nikki sucks. If I have to watch people on a pretend date, then they need to pretend to make it interesting for me; that’s the entire point of ACTING. Peter at least tried.

For whatever reason, after the date Nikki goes back to Brie’s place, does not have a key, and had to wake Brie up for this. Brie isn’t delighted and Nikki doesn’t have the social grace to realize that waking up another person and then expecting them to only care about you – when you’re not bleeding to death or otherwise dying – is totally rude. The next day, Nikki is unable to apologizefor waking everyone up. That’s not the storyline, but seriously, kids, don’t be the ass who wakes someone up in the middle of the night and is then surprised that they’re grumpy when you’re clearly not in danger. Oh, holy f—, the Bella Twins don’t know what the word platonic means. Later on the entire family is gathered at Brie’s and we establish that Nikki doesn’t know how to pronounce “gondola,” something I pointed out last episode.

Oh, hey, Liv Morgan was medically cleared, so she can go to Australia. Yeah, Grandma knew nothing about Brie kicking a lady in the face. Ha ha. Oh, we’re back on the “OMG, people are mean to Brie” story. Maybe if we weren’t forced to pretend that Brie Bella has the same wrestling skills / ability as Daniel Bryan – just because they’re married – then this would have never happened? Yes, really. Why does anyone think Brie can do “Yes Kicks?” Prior to being married, her gimmick was like working half a match and then switching with her twin – because she was a heel who wasn’t good enough to win a match. Then she married Bryan, and evidently everyone’s supposed to think she’s this great worker. That may be the problem – that fiction isn’t lining up with her real life performance level.

Back from commercial, Bryan is trying to make a toddler be an environmentalist. Yup, this is unrealistic. Also, the self-composting toilet is something I’ve never forgiven him for. You know, I have grandparents who had an outhouse and a farm who understood way back when (before computers) that human waste is unsuitable to use as fertilizer because it’s considered a contaminant. Only hoarders don’t understand that and keep their poop. Don’t keep your poops, kids. Let your poops go! Also, letting your poops go to the appropriate place as determine by engineers and people with degrees is keeping the level of dysentery in our rivers and streams lower.

On to Raw – koala chlamydia is mentioned. They have no idea how STDs are contracted. Kids, get better role models. Also, please just google this stuff. Sh–, we’re discussing how Brie is so online bullied again. Yes, “Ronda Rousey teams with the legendary Bella Twins in six-person tag team action,” says Michael Cole. Watching a clip of this match, I am reminded that Ronda has terrible bush league gear. Anyway, no one died in the match, so, whatever.

Nikki gets a gift from Peter. This is a clip from YouTube. Peter sent her some black licorice. Nikki apparently failed to stipulate which brand was her favorite licorice, so, even though Peter brought her some on the date, it wasn’t the right brand. Yeah, that’s petty. “All you have to do to get a second date is send you $12 worth of black licorice?” says Bryan.

Next up is Brie and Bryan shopping which is another clip from Youtube. Yes, grocery shopping and somehow acquiring items without packaging is the new hipster rich person problem. Yeah, YouTube recommended a video on the topic from the CBC to me. I used to work at a grocery store, and, yes, this is a rich person problem. So, they buy some produce and toilet paper.

Nikki and Brie are in Australia. Brie does the “cold plunge,” which lasted for like ten seconds and really did not merit mention. Yes, they teased this like two segs ago, I dunno why – it was meaningless… oh, unless you’re a horny dude, yeah, sorry I forgot that half the point of this show is providing footage for people to masturbate to, duh. Brie is afraid of people noticing if she botches something in the ring. Yes, for real. Perhaps if she was somewhere on the card who wasn’t being treated like a main event or a showcase match, people would be less critical? Yeah, that’s my thought, not the story being told on this show.

Super Showdown is in Australia. Bryan will face the Miz. Bryan talks about wanting to being an environmentalist, which doesn’t mesh with travel… or at least he hasn’t tried hard enough to come up with a way to reduce his carbon footprint while traversing the globe. Maybe he should try harder? Bryan beats Miz. Then the Bellas team with Ronda to face the Riott Squad. They show Brie shouting “Brie Mode!” in the ring. As per the usual, I wonder if she’s going to get sloppy drunk in the ring, because that’s what Brie Mode is. Again, get better role models, kids. Ronda and the Bellas win. After the match, Brie, Nikki, and their friend Eileen discuss that Nikki will main event the first women’s PPV. Yes, to the disappointment of most actual wrestling fans… but that’s not the story on this show. Anyhoo, Brie is going to be Nikki’s valet. On this show this matters, I guess? On WWE TV, random performers standing around at ringside is basically wallpaper at this point.

Back at Nikki’s house we have to discuss this Brie being a valet thing like it’s a real issue to other people not named Nikki and Brie. Evidently Nikki wouldn’t want to do it for Brie. “That’s what she gets for being a skinny bitch her whole life,” says Nikki… I have no idea what she’s talking about, and I don’t care. Mostly I don’t care. Random beach footage. Headless boys on skateboards. The Bellas, Bryan, and Birdie are in a car driving somewhere. Evidently it’s a surprise. Oh, it’s a beach clean-up. So, the family is gathered together to pick up trash from the beach. Yay… or whatever. “Bryan, how fun was that?!?” asks Brie. Yeah, they showed like 15 seconds of the three of them wandering around picking up trash. Fifteen  seconds. Earth saved!!! Whatever.

Raw is in Chicago, and Nikki is cutting a promo, and then Brie cuts a promo… and flubs it. Brie and Nikki apparently continue to argue this “would you be happy to be my valet?” storyline. I think Brie has convinced Johnny Ace to tell Nikki that she’s lost her spot in the match for the sake of a story that only exists on this show. Yeah, that’s my best guess. Commercial.

Johnny suggests that Brie will be in the match. Nikki is a sore loser about it. Yeah, there are some maturity issues here. Ten seconds into this, Brie admits that it’s a prank. Yes, this was a Total Bellas level prank. In the end, Johnny Ace hugs them both. Random footage of tickets being scanned and a hotdog. Yes, really. They show footage of the Bella twins finally turning on Ronda Rousey. There’s a rematch of the six-woman tag. They win the match, and then they turn on Ronda. Cole acts surprised. Supposedly the crowd is “going insane” as this happens, or so says Nikki. You choose to believe what you want to believe. The Bellas announce that they are back as “bitches.” Uh-huh.

Next week: The angle with Ronda continues, and Brie and Bryan have some sort of announcement.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT2/24 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 5): Brie cries about internet bullying after she kicked Liv Morgan in the face, Nikki goes on a date, amusement park birthday party

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