TOTAL BELLAS (SEASON 4, EPISODE 9)
MARCH 17, 2019
AIRED ON E!
On tonight’s episode, we may finally make it to the Women’s Evolution PPV from last fall. The show opens with the Raw before the PPV. Not even a minute in and Brie says “comeback,” so, take a drink or punch a wall or whatever you do. She just said it again.
The Bella Twins turning on Ronda is rehashed. The Bellas believe this angle is all about them and that people are deeply invested in this match – because it involves the Bella Twins? I was not one of them. The twins talk about the amount of media engagements they’re going to do. I vaguely remember this because, based on my top notch research, whether I want it or not (and it IS the latter), Bella Twins videos show up in my YouTube suggestions. The footage playing as I type this is a YouTube clip of the twins complaining that they have to get up early to do media… and then Brie Bella thinks that having a second baby will feel like having seven kids. Better role models, kids, get better role models – ones who can do math.
Apparently Brie is not sufficiently excited that Nikki is in this match. Oh, right, Brie is retiring… again. I remember how surprised / amused I was the first time I heard that Brie retired. You know, like if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? They show clips of the twins doing media, getting in cars to drive to do more media. They show Fallon. Bries botches are brought up again, you know, because the fans are mean bullies if they’re not just fawning over the stars or whatever. Commercial.
Back from commercial, the Bellas have alcohol at a bar or restaurant, where Nikki introduces the concept of the Bellas (the heels in the match against Ronda) having a pep rally. Yes, really, this makes no god damned sense to me either. I assume the show paid for this because watching these two take a nap or train is so wallpaper-ish at this point in the show.
Full disclosure, I’m a slacker and stood in the back of the bleachers of a variety of my school’s pep rallies shouting “this sucks” with my fellow slackers, because GenX. Yeah, Nikki wants a marching to play her music, teenage me would like to add: What a dork. All the female members of the extended Bella family (sans Grandma) gather to chit-chat. Brie plans a Mommy’s Night Out for her and Lauren.
Three days before Evolution, Brie and Nikki check out their pep rally preparations. Nikki hired an event planner “to plan the most amazing pep rally ever.” I doubt there is a candy pit or a place for teenagers… oh, never mind, it’s f—ing cheerleaders. Brie isn’t exactly the smart one, but she says, “It’s so bizarre that my sister wants to have a pep rally” and aptly describes this as “stupid.” Hey, a stopped clock is right twice a day… well, it is if it’s an analog clock.
The extended family, sans Nikki, gathers in a hotel room to discuss Johnny Ace’s vocal cords. They watch old clips of Ace before he sustained a throat injury. Not exactly sure why we’re pining for this old voice, but it’s amusing because it’s rife with early-’90s fashion. Apparently the thought is that Ace is a super-sensitive guy who nay not want to discuss this subject. Only a group of women could come to that conclusion, honestly, and I say that as a woman. A group of dudes discussing this same premise would have just abducted Ace, drugged him, and he’d wake up with completed throat surgery. But whatever.
The Bellas are at some event where they’re signing autographs and interacting with fans. Lillian Garcia interviews them and they pretend like they’re winning. They highlight the tension of one twin being spotlighted and the other one not… Brie says “comeback” again, so, take a drink. Oh, right, footage of the women drinking. Evidently the only way they can have a good time is with alcohol? Not the greatest message. Brie and Lauren chat about having another kid. Evidently being a stay-at-home mom is not fulfilling to either of these women. Ouch. Not really empowering women with that message there.
They talk to a couple about having a couple’s night out sans kids. “Those are the perfect things Bryan and I can do,” Brie says of the concept of having another baby and then ditching the kids to have a night out alone. Yeesh. Now, onto this idiotic pep rally. Some male uber fan from Instagram is the emcee. So, like 25 seconds of cheerleaders and a bear mascot. No, there was no footage throwing back to the JBL and Michael Cole show where we never actually got to see Daniel Bryan wrestle that bear. Somehow, I doubt that as a point of reference.
Jake, one of the few men at this event, who is wearing tight biker shorts asks “who’s ready for a little surprise?” Paige appears. She talks for like 20 seconds. Jake announces that the Bellas have “helped” like five people. Okay. Anyhoo, in three weeks Jake will marry his fiancé. The Bellas finally appear at their own event. Evidently Brie didn’t give up because of all these fans. Evidently “really mean people started calling her Botched Bella,” says Brie Bella. Oh, she said “comeback” again – take a drink.
Brie is under the impression that when she is 60 that this group of people under the age of 25 are still going to be there as her fans. Wow, she should read up on how old Hollywood works… According to Renee Young’s voice-over, so many men and women have been working towards making this PPV happen, you know, for women’s empowerment or whatever. Nikki and Nattie practice moves backstage. Maria Menounos and Nia Jax make cameos. Forty-nine minutes into this show, Ronda actually appears in non-stock footage – for like 20 seconds. She’s interviewed about the match.
Cole does the introduction to the PPV voiceover. The women are getting ready backstage. Brie has on some risque pants and they chant “no panties Brie.” Read a book, kids, read a book. Ace comes backstage. We have to talk about the voice thing again. Oh, Johnny Ace is a sensitive new world man who was irritated that people mimicked his voice. Ace does a spiel about being bullied, not letting it affect you, and then that it’s flattering that people imitate his voice. Sh–, I hope Brie Bella doesn’t try to start owning botched dives without realizing that that makes you a comedy spot. Hey, she got like 99 on that IQ test.
Footage is shown of a ladder match. Finn Balor is backstage scowling? And two minutes to the end of this show, Nikki goes out to the ring for this match… because, of course, she lost this match. So, like all this build up and pep rally was for a match where she was not going over in which she was actually a heel in the actual story. The credits for this show roll as the show match footage. Yes, the show goes off the air without them showing the finish of this match.
Spoilers for next week: The twins argue with each other and Bryan fights Brock Lesnar and then turns heel.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 3/10 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 8): Ronda slaps Nikki and they claim it wasn’t planned, Brie and Bryan talk about another baby and where to live, Nikki the Perfectionist