KELLER INTERVIEWS ROB VAN DAM FOR FIRST TIME...
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TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 1
OCTOBER 2, 2019
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Are we ready for this? Do we need this? Will Corey Graves be in the first episode, or will they make us wait six more episodes to see? Well, I’m about to find out. The show opens with Ronda Rousey.
You guys remember last spring when Ronda was still in WWE wearing her Walmart underwear instead of gear? Yes, okay, so, Ronda was born with an umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and then I guess everyone thought she was developmentally slow, but she proved them wrong by earning a bronze in the Olympics for judo. Yes, the first few moments is apparently her entire life story… so that we can spend time on who knows what later? Did they shoe-horn the Bella Twins into the telling of Ronda’s life story? You bet your ass they did. Ronda goes through the entire roster of current Total Divas stars and gushes about all of them.
Insert random freeway shots and the kind of music where us old people are like “we feel bad for the kids if this is what they have as music” and we’re at Ronda’s Browsey Acres. I assume the name is a port manteau of her and her husband’s name? Yes, there is footage of a donkey and some goats and chickens. Yes, six minutes into this show we meet Travis Browne and see footage from their wedding. There’s a nice shot of a goat.
Segue, what segue? We’re at the Royal Rumble with Nattie and R-Truth in a hallway. We get half black and white tone footage of Jim Neidart, in case anyone forgot that he was the Diva you were really tuning into this show to see, right women and teenage girls? Nia Jax then gets her minute to recap the last time she was on TV. Oh, seriously, that was a minute. Next: Sonya Deville. Hey, she’s gay! I don’t think she even got a minute, but, hey, she’s gay! (face palm). Next up brunette Carmella, who broke up with Big Cass. Oh, hey, Tamina makes a cameo.
Evidently Nia Jax had to wrestle with Carmella, and she’s not into it because she doesn’t like Carmella. I don’t remember this, but, uh, Nia Jax hasn’t been on TV in like six months, so that was a long time for me to forget gossip? Tamina has to listen to Nia’s explanation of why she doesn’t like Carmella, and she looks like she’s struggling to look sympathetic. Evidently Nia potatoed Carmella and Carmella screamed about it. I hope we get some better scripted drama than this this season. Carmella also apparently doesn’t like Nia. Okiedokie, this is like middle school. Sonya Deville shows up. Amazingly she doesn’t announce that she’s gay. Carmella and Nia have a weird moment. This is the worst feud of all time. SMH. Anyway, WE FINALLY GET A COMMERCIAL!
The hallway conversation with Nia, Tamina, and Carmella continues. Nia doesn’t think Carmella is genuine. Carmella and Nia go their separate ways and Tamina has to try not to burst into laughter having witnessed that. I would rather watch Tamina raise feral cats than have to pretend to care about this feud. Oh, hey, it’s Naomi and Jimmy Uso! Carmella cries to Naomi about what Nia said. A list of other people being dragged into the worst feud of all time: Sonya Deville, Scott Dawson, Becky Lynch, Cesaro, Sheamus, and Titus O’Neill. In the mean time, Nia goes to talk to Nattie. I dunno if I’d go to Nattie for advice on anything since her every solution to every problem is just to lie about something.
Moving along, in case you forgot, Sonya Deville is gay and also getting her makeup done. Yes, the makeup lady asks her about her chick. I hope this chick has a name. Her name was Ariana. They are no longer together because the long distance relationship didn’t work out. Random footage of stage props being assembled to bad current music with shots of the performers walking around backstage. Now, back to Ronda Rousey. Ah, Tom Phillips calls the Royal Rumble the road to WrestleMania… poor poor replaceable Tom Phillips. Ronda goes to the ring while narrating the scene and talking about how her mom taught her “to eat pressure for breakfast.”
Back from commercial, Ronda and Sasha Banks have a match for the title. This was purple-haired Sasha, for anyone keeping track. Rousey retains her title against Banks. Now, back to the worst Total Divas scripted show feud ever – Nia vs. Carmella. Several cast members explain the concept of the Royal Rumble. Nattie is number 2 in the Rumble. Yeah, she is not winning. Naomi talks about doing her part in the Rumble. It was nice of Naomi to not even pretend like she was going to win. For anyone like me who forgot – because I did – Becky Lynch won the match. Imagine if she was on this show… life is unfair, isn’t it?
Carmella makes sure to kick Nia during the match. Nia doesn’t cry about it. Progress? They show concession stand footage, and then announce it’s the Men’s Rumble. Yeah, I forgot about Nia Jax taking R-Truth’s spot in the Rumble. Cole points out on commentary that Nia is the fourth woman to do so. Chyna, Beth Phoenix, and Kharma were her predecessors. Rey Mysterio eliminated Nia who, apparently, can now retire because that was her high watermark? Hey, she’s the one who said she could retire.
Back to Ronda’s farm. Ronda is cooking bacon and talking about how she never wanted to cook because she feels like it would make her subservient. Ronda is the step-mom to Travis’s sons, Kaleo and Keawe (you know, I had to look that up on Wikipedia). In the cutaway shot Ronda – still wearing a sundress – cries as she gushes about these kids. Yeah, this is mushy. Moving on, Charly Caruso, Sonya, and Carmella are in a car, they’re on their way to brunch. Everyone will be there except Nia. Carmella acts catty about this. Yes, I would rather watch Seth Rollins play video games on UpUpDwnDwn than this “feud.” Carmella vaguely talks about breaking up with Big Cass, who was allegedly controlling or whatever. Sonya is apparently going to teach Carmella how to date. I’m amazed they didn’t somehow shoehorn the Bella Twins into this brunch. While Sonya is giving Carmella advice about guys, Naomi, Nattie, and Charly are at the table discussing who Carmella may be dating. Spoiler alert: It’s Corey Graves. Of course, they don’t say that because I guess someone scripting this show thinks that none of the viewers have Instagram?
Ronda and Travis stand outside and hug, and Ronda mentions rumors that constantly swirl about whether she is or is not pregnant. Ronda loves being in WWE, but she’s 32 and wants to have a baby. There’s a lot of random hugging. Note to the producers: Goats are fun. More goat footage! I will also accept chicken footage. Moving along, Naomi meets Sonya and Carmella in a restaurant. Sonya dated guys, which is how she realized she was a lesbian. Sonya has been openly gay for four years. Yes, the novelty has worn off. I hope she has a hobby of some sort or opens a smoothie bar or like anything. No segue, Nia and Nattie are in the car talking about how Carmella and Nia have had a beef since NXT. Nattie doesn’t feel this brunch is going to go well once all of them are together. Nia and Carmella are having an awkward fight. Yeah, they should just avoid each other.
This argument continues after the break. This argument does not need to continue. Nia and Carmella both declare some version of “well, I know I’m a good person.” “I would love some pancakes,” says Nattie, which may be the quote of the episode. Oh, Christ, they shoe-horn both Paige and the Bella Twins into this episode with that damn “Fighting with my Family” movie that was inescapable in the spring. The Bella Twins are pretending that they’re such serious business women that they just don’t have time to wrestle. I’m not sad about that. Oh dear, Nia tells the Bellas about this feud with Carmella. And Nia mentions Carmella mentioning that Nikki Bella potatoed her in a match.
Random footage from the upcoming episodes airs. We get a two-second clip of Corey Graves, is Carmella a home wrecker? Nia Jax will have knee surgery. Jimmy Uso and Naomi will argue over something. Nattie drags this dad thing out with the spreading of the ashes. Oh, and more Ronda Rousey, who brunches with no one! Yes, it is amusing to know that Ronda isn’t in any of these fake brunches that include all the other cast members.