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TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 3
OCTOBER 15, 2019
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
It’s been a long week. I know, it’s only Tuesday – but it feels like Thursday. So, tonight I will be pining for the imagined good old days when Rusev was on this show because I have a distinct feeling none of the current cast is going to bring me a load of sunshine and rainbows unless this is all Ronda Rousey talking to goats footage or something. Yeah, I could do 44 minutes of goat frolicking… So, tonight’s episode: Nattie visits Ronda’s farm, Sonya Deville tries to start a TV feud with Ronda, and will Carmella and Corey Graves have a “coming out” party to announce that they are a couple – because what could be more responsible for a grown man who just left the wife with whom he had three kids? Ha ha.
The show opens at the Orlando Pride parade, because we haven’t specifically been reminded yet, but Sonya Deville is gay. Everyone is dressed up in feather boa angle wings. Sonya makes a lovely toast to her “coming out as gay.” For whatever reason Carmella and Charly Caruso are discussing her relationship with Graves while on this float – in fantastically juvenile terms – to foreshadow this terrible coming out party idea. No segue, Ronda is on the farm waiting for Nattie. T.J. and Nattie are en route. Yes, it’s a rare T.J. sighting! Ronda had bought outdoors stuff for Nattie and T.J. and their pending farm adventure. No segue, Sonya and Carmella are in a hotel room where Sonya intends to launch the idea of a feud with Ronda because she was the first female MMA fighter in WWE.
“Do you guys bring the eggs in? How do you know when the egg is ready?” Nattie wonders as the camera pans to the chickens on Ronda’s farm. “When the egg comes out of their vagina,” Ronda deadpans. Uh, bird nerd note: birds have a thing called a cloaca, a/k/a the vent – which is the posterior hole where both eggs and poop come out. Alright, back to this show. Yes, Ronda has brought guests over to have them shovel shit. Nattie does not appear to be into this, I wouldn’t be either. Moving on, Carmella meets Corey in a hotel room. Two grown adults are surprised that there’s a backlash to a guy divorcing the mother of his three kids and hooking up with some chick. Imagine that, eh? Carmella is very mad that people called her a “whore” and a “homewrecker.” Corey says something about not having been on a date in 11 years, to which any adult in a long-term relationship or married had to have sighed and rolled their eyes. Uh, dude, maybe you shoulda done that with YOUR WIFE then, eh? Corey proposes taking Carmella out on a proper first date and they hold hands.
Moving along, Ronda and company discuss Sonya’s attempt at starting a feud. They are not impressed. Jimmy Uso cameo, there is a Matrix joke. Sonya then sits at a table with Mandy Rose and shows a video of Ronda suggesting that Sonya is an MMA hobbyist. They pretend like Sonya got under Ronda’s skin, and then Sonya whines that Ronda only said she had two amateur fights instead of three – like that makes a huge difference or something. Yes, this is lame. It happened, and it happened in real life in such an uninteresting way that I remember coming home from work and watching a recording of Raw and finally seeing the Ronda-Sonya fight and being, like: “Okay, whatever.” I mean, it was one match, not a feud. But this is Total Divas and Sonya appears to have no hobbies – so, this is what we get. So, yeah, Sonya trained for five years to have three amateur fights. Yeah, that does not make this look better.
Back from break, Carmella and Corey Graves are backstage gushing about each other in a way that I feel fortunate that as a half-deaf person I do not follow. Yeah, I think it had subtitles, I don’t care. Bottom line: Carmella thinks she and Graves need a coming out party – which will happen at her brand new condo and serve as his birthday party, as long as she doesn’t serve yellow cake, which he hates. Yellow cake – for people who dunno why that’s a flavor that is somehow different from white – it’s yellow because of eggs and butter. Yeah, I bake. Sonya appears in one of the handful of promos she’s ever appeared on on WWE TV. I’m expected to care that the theme of this Grave housewarming party is “Miami Vice” and, of course, Sonya is a tom boy, so, she’s allergic to dresses. I’m not a tom boy, and yet I am not allergic to pants. Feminism, kids.
No segue, back to the farm. Nattie and Ronda stand on a hill and look off into the distance and try to be philosophical. Ooh ooh, there was a goat in the background, how fun! Yes, Nattie and Ronda are hugging and Nattie is crying about her dad. We get a Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart montage. Nattie and Ronda hug more. Commercial.
Liv Morgan appears for the get-together that includes Carmella, Naomi, and Sonya. There’s some sort of mermaid thing where a grown woman wearing a mermaid costume swims in a glass tank of water. Liv then sets up a date for her and Naomi to try the mermaid thing. Naomi doesn’t look enthusiastic about this. I don’t blame her. Three white girls sit around a table shouting “Trin! Trin! Trin!” and peer pressure Naomi into doing this mermaid BS. Moving on, Nattie and Ronda are backstage at Raw; they discuss the grief thing again, and then they discuss whether or not the feud with Sonya is a work or a shoot. Ronda assumes it’s a work. Nia Jax makes her first (and possibly only) appearance for a few seconds backstage. Ronda and Sonya then have that short match from Raw. And then Ronda has a moment with Becky Lynch – you know, the feud that people actually cared about.
Back from commercial, Trin and Liv are ready for mermaid swimming lessons. They both have caps on. They try on mermaid outfits. Trin isn’t feeling it. No segue, we’re at Carmella’s for this surprise party. Wah wah, Corey has to pick up his kids, so, he can’t come to this coming out / birthday party. Carmella has to go to another room to cry. If I’m supposed to be feeling sympathy here, I’m not. These three kids he has are a total non-entity in the juvenile way that Carmella talks about this relationship, which is not realistic at all. Naomi, Sonya, Liv, and Mandy get ready for this party. Sonya acts like wearing a dress is hard. Also, she’s wearing stripper shoes and I have no idea why. Nattie shows up not wearing a “Miami Vice”-themed dress. I’m happy for her for that. Now we have the “awkward” part where horny teenager Carmella says Corey can’t come because of the weather and never mentions the kids thing. Oh FFS, Sonya has to have a moment about wearing a dress. Yeah, this is a first world problem. Also, according to the Google, two years ago she wore a dress at the Hall of Fame ceremony for WWE. So, this appears to be a made up freak-out about an article of clothing. Yes, at the tender age of 40 watching a woman who’s worn dresses in public have a pretend freak-out about wearing a dress on a TV show is not even remotely endearing.
Back from commercial, Nattie has to stand in a bathroom and talk Sonya out of having a made up panic attack. Yeah, I’m not feeling this moment where Sonya cries about not realizing that her angle with Ronda is a work and not a shoot. The whole cast, sans Ronda, hugs it out. They’re going to cut the cake, but first Liv Morgan has to gift Carmella a stripper pole, because women’s empowerment or whatever. Carmella and Corey chat on Facetime. Moving on, will Trinity do this mermaid show thing, because we know that Liv will. She did. Yeah, that lasted for like 15 seconds. Uh-huh.
Next week: Ronda and Nia have a spat, there will be an ill-fated girl’s weekend, and someone shouts “homewrecker!” at Carmella, and we’re still expected to feel bad for her or whatever.
HOw is this garbage still on the air?