4/8 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT (Ep. 2): Discussions about marriage and divorce, making out in a hardware store, Nikki oversees building her new house

By Sarah K, PWTorch contributor


TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 2)
APRIL 8, 2020

A brief preamble: I’m an “essential employee,” so the premise of watching entitled D-level quasi celebrities on a “reality” TV show bicker over Mom and Dad’s scorched earth divorce fallout 20 years later – do I want to watch this? No. None of this is going to enrich my life, blow my mind, or cause me to learn something. So, Brie and Nikki are pregnant and somehow, someone somewhere feels this still needs to be a show. *insert massive eye roll*

The show opens with a recap of last week, as if we have amnesia. I don’t have amnesia, this recap is not meaningful. Nikki and Artem are sitting in a restaurant discussing the house that Nikki is having built for herself. Not being a feminist at all, she wants Artem to take care of the inspection for her house. This is not an interesting or enriching conversation. I could live my entire life without hearing any of this.

Cue the open. Remember all that stupid sh– Brie said about wanting to be a mom? The charm appears to have worn off because she appears to be genuinely annoyed that her toddler doesn’t give a sh– about the staged conversation she’s trying to have with Nikki. Evidently the Bellas are going to have a ghostwriter help them write a book, as if there’s really anything interesting there. Remember when they had that Summerslam angle where one of them wished that the other one had “died in the womb.” Uh-huh.

I’m not buying this book. I’m not standing in a store and flipping through this book. This book does not matter. This is a means of introducing the awkward premise of their parent’s scorched earth divorce. They don’t have a good relationship with their Dad. There’s no way this show is going to make some dirtbag who disappeared on his kids a sympathetic character. A tree was damaged on a city street, presumably in an earthquake. Nikki bungles the “if a tree falls in the forest joke.” For real. She seems to be dumb as a rock. Girls, you need better smarter role models. Nikki makes canned conversation with Artem about his parents to reintroduce the concept of the audience meeting her dirtbag father is interesting. Seriously, this was a whole segment. Commercial.

Artem and Nikki are in the house Nikki is having built. She is so not a feminist, because, again, she wants him to do all the work and explain all the things. Oh, and now we visit the Mom to have an argument over Dad. The chapter about their childhood has been written, they want the Mom to read it. Nikki asks if you can even mail things to Mexico (before there was a pandemic!). The mom legit has a moment of parental disappointment at this very stupid question her daughter has just asked. Supposedly their dad had “an addiction.” And yet they don’t specify what, which is disingenuous.

Oh, FFS, Nikki uses the word “empowered” when describing how people are going to read about their childhood. Then Brie admits she’s talked to her dad, and the Mom gets crazy. Yeah, this should not be on a TV show. These people should get therapy in private. Yeah, I don’t really wanna watch this sh–. This isn’t feel-good TV, and this isn’t TV that is remotely interesting to me. Author’s Note: My parents are divorced, they waited until us children were adults. Yes, I come from a household with a completely different stance on divorce and it appears that both of my parents were better people than the Bellas parents. For real. I’m literally watching a timeline I didn’t live where the people involved made the dumbest, most selfish decisions and after the fact are acting like those things are justifiable; and, no, it isn’t the least bit sympathetic.

There is a petty argument about their dirtbag father because Brie saw her dad and didn’t tell her mom. Brie brings up how her therapist encouraged her to get in touch with her dad. Yeah, her therapist, you know, rich people problems. Mom is pissed and her idiot daughters don’t understand why she will always and forever be pissed about anything involved with their dad. There’s some vague gibberish about how this was a bad relationship. I almost want to throw a book at my TV because I don’t want to watch these f—ing stupid people argue over this dumb sh–. Brie and Nikki drive and argue about how that went sideways. It’s dumb. It’s not meaningful. Stupid people don’t have profound thoughts about relationships while driving a car. There’s nothing to quote here. Commercial.

Brie, Nikki, Artem, and Birdie are shopping. Artem does dude stuff with the toddler. They could have just showed that clip on a loop for 44 minutes. They discuss where they’re going to meet their dad. Yes, this is completely unnecessary footage. They want Artem to meet the dad. Artem has noticed that Nikki doesn’t think very hard about things, like, say, having her boyfriend meet her dad. Nikki and Artem go to a hardware store. I very much enjoy how not cheesy into this Artem is when Nikki tries to make out with him in the hardware store. Yeah, that dude is not an actor. Nikki tries to make sex metaphors. She’s not eloquent. Brie and the mom have what I assume is a make-up lunch. *insert eye roll* The Mom admits to feeling guilty about how she didn’t end her marriage sooner. Who wants to watch this? I don’t want to watch this. Commercial.

Back from break, Brie admits that she, Artem, and Nikki are going to see their dad. The Mom isn’t delighted about this, but she’s diplomatic. Nikki is so not salt-of-the-earth that she’s having decorators furnish her house. Imagine that. These are rich people issues. This is not relatable. Artem is still charming, though. And what does it say that the only character that’s sympathetic in this episode has never been on this show before this season as a main character? For whatever reason, there has to be MORE DISCUSSION about meeting up with Dad. This is not interesting. I want these two minutes of my life back. They’re waiting for Dad to show up. And I bet there’s a commercial right about now.

The Dad’s name is Jonathon. There’s a lot of Spanish here. They clank a lot of wine glasses. The chit chat is awkward. Artem helps the Dad get his bags. They have one of those stupid “Dad tries to bigfoot boyfriend” moments. I guess the Dad is taking a shower. Moving on, the Mom and Creepy Brother have to discuss that Brie saw her dad and didn’t tell her about it. Creepy Brother tries to make the Mom feel better. Ah, Creepy Brother is the good child who totally sh–s on his dirtbag father. He’s still creepy. Commercial.

The twins, Artem, and the Dad are at a restaurant. The Dad vaguely talks about being a partier, not having parents, and how his “addiction” stopped him from being a good father. The Dad doesn’t wanna talk about the past. He apparently has no bad memories. They Facetime Bryan. Then they plan a vacation, which is another rich people thing. They take pictures. Nikki narrates the end of the show about how this dinner was such a beautiful moment. So, basically, other than that, their dad had the salesperson skills to keep them away from the reality of their childhood – whatever that was – that’s what we got this episode. Should you watch this? Probably not. Did it resolve anything? No. Will you ever get this hour of your life back? No. Go find a book a read.

Next time: The twins go to Mexicali to visit Dad and the Mom is still not into it.

CATCH UP… 4/1 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT (Ep. 1): Brie and Bryan talk about wanting a boy, greieving over their dog, Nikki shops for lingerie

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