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TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 6)
MAY 19, 2020
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with a recap, as if we’ve forgotten all the forgettable things that happen on this show. The twins are with Creepy Brother. They’re taking an online quiz. When has anyone ever wanted to watch a TV show where D-level celebrities take an online quiz? Yup, it took me longer to type that than the actual quiz. Nikki’s house is done. It’s not a particularly interesting looking house. It’s painted in dull off-white pastel tones – you know, if snot was a paint color. Yeah, I worked ten hours today. This is a generic house. It’s not special. Brie is going to be bitchy this episode because Nikki’s house isn’t child proofed. No shit, Sherlock; she doesn’t have a kid. Artem isn’t there, so, she Facetimes him a tour. Yeah, I’m not getting this two minutes of my life back. Nikki goes to a fertility doctor. I guess this one’s too dumb for condoms, too (throw back to when Brie and Bryan were using the “pull out” method). Yup, the question was “method of birth control.” Nikki Bella: The pull-out method? Me: Sighs.
Nikki has so much money to blow that she’s going to freeze her eggs. Uh, yeah, fertility treatments are expensive AF. This is not relatable. As a woman, lemme TMI y’all: I can’t have kids by choice. I had to almost bleed to death for 15 years before my health insurance would allow me to choose an option a step down from a hysterectomy. I can still get pregnant, but I have no womb. So, uh, condoms, motherf—ers, condoms are what responsible adults use when one of you isn’t on birth control or had a vasectomy. Also, we’re bushing right by the potential for sexually transmitted diseases. I hate this show.
Moving on, Brie and Bryan are going to buy a pool fence for Nikki’s pool. Evidently, Brie can’t pay attention to her kid and make sure she doesn’t drown in a pool. The pool fence may cost $30,000. Holy shit. Most of the teenage girls watching this show probably work in retail… $30K ain’t something they’re gonna make in five years, let alone be able to blow on fence in someone else’s backyard. Wow. Nikki is not on board with this. I don’t blame her. Of course, I know my mother made one of these sort of ultimatums with my grandma; it was for a smoke detector, though. Once Grandma found out there was an insurance discount for spending $20 on an appliance, she was on board. Again, it was a smoke detector – and we frequently spent the night. In the produce section of a grocery store, Nikki decides to tell Artem about the egg freezing thing. She just doesn’t want her eggs fertilized with his sperm. Yup. I’m watching this show so that you don’t have to.
Artem immediately realizes that Nikki doesn’t want his sperm on her frozen eggs. Artem asks if the doctor said it was better to freeze eggs or embryos. Nikki says freezing embryos is like having a kid forever. “Would it matter what my thoughts are?” Artem asks. It’s not really a question. Poor Artem. That Nikki doesn’t want to freeze embryos is an indication to Artem that she doesn’t see him as a long term relationship. There’s a shameless plug for their wine. Brie uses this an occasion to bitch about Nikki not having a pool fence. JJ points out that Nikki doesn’t have to buy a pool fence. “Briana, it’s up to you to make sure that Birdie doesn’t get over there.” Yup. This isn’t a smoke detector or outlet covers. Oh, Christ, I’m supposed to care that Nikki isn’t able to commit to Artem. Again, I’m not getting this three minutes of my life back.
This meaningless conversation about whether or not Nikki can commit to this relationship continues as I ponder why I haven’t made an IG post in two days. Yeah, this is not interesting. Brie brings over a pool safety sign. Yeah, this is a dipshit move. Nikki throws the sign back into Brie’s yard. Brie then goes to lunch with Artem to talk about the egg thing. Commercial. Yeah, this is not meaningful. No one is going to rewatch this as a YouTube clip multiple times years from now. This is filler. Proving that she truly has an IQ of 99 or whatever is was, Brie Bella says, “I feel like Artem and Nicole have had this world wind relationship.” Yes, she said world, not whirl wind. I wish this show could somehow end faster because this chatter is just prattling.
Brie and Nikki have walkie-talkies. I feel sad that I’m watching this show. I feel sad for my life now. God, why can’t this episode just end? Why? Why are they being filmed talking on walkie-talkies. None of this is meaningful. I will never get this two minutes back. Moving on, Nikki and Artem are in the kitchen; he’s cooking and they’re discussing this frozen eggs thing. “What if we don’t break up, then what?” Yes, those eight words from Artem could have been the entire episode!
“The whole point of a relationship is two people making decisions together.” Yup, Artem is the smart one, right up until the point of who he’s dating. Nikki wants Artem to move in. He agrees. Moving on, Brie and Artem go ring shopping. The minimal price for one of these rings is $80K. Yeah, this is unrealistic. No D-level celebrity needs an $80K piece of jewelry.
Next week: Brie and Bryan go to a Native American Indian retreat (remember the episode with Renee Young and Dean Ambrose where they did this? Yeah, that went SO WELL! Not.), and Artem bought a ring.
CATCH UP… 5/12 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT by Sarah K (Ep. 6): Nikki pees on a stick, asks boyfriend if he’d be with her if she can’t have kids, Bryan watches video to learn to braid hair, more unsafe seat belt usage