SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Low Ki vs. Everett: Low Ki continues to be a great return/addition to the company. His match with Andrew Everett was solid and his dropkick looked absolutely brutal. There’s an aura about him that few in the business possess. Much like Goldust being vastly underutilized the past few years in WWE, you have to wonder how much more Ki would mean had he remained continually employed with Impact and actually treated as a star the entire time.
El Patron’s Double Stomp: I’m really reaching here for another hit here. The cage match was fine but it was completely unnecessary. Impact shouldn’t be throwing it out there between two guys who don’t have an incredibly personal feud going on. It further cheapens the gimmick and felt very Russo-eque. Where was I? Oh yeah. I’ve always strongly disliked Alberto El Patron’s double stomp move because his opponent has to awkwardly hold themselves in place for way too long in order for him to hit it. EC III looked like an idiot for holding himself in that position even longer than usual…still, the jump looked impressive all things considered. I guess.
The Authority: As incredibly boring as Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are in WWE, at least they look credible when they walk to the ring. Bruce Prichard, Dutch Mantell, Karen Jarrett, and Tyrus appearing onstage as the management team looked absolutely ridiculous. It was the human equivalent of Scooby Doo and the gang.
Bruce Screwed Carter: Last week EC III won the right to become the number one contender. This week Bruce Prichard did away with that in the opening segment and forced him to put it on the line in the main event. Just because. As Ric Flair said in his classic promo with Eric Bischoff on Nitro, “Abuse. Of power!” So basically, if you got invested in the outcome of last week’s show…well, too bad.
The Grand Championship: Grand Championship matches continue to be a big bowl of “meh.” They’re not bad. They’re not great. They’re just there and kind of awkward. Impact needs to think about what purpose they serve. In order to justify its own existence, they need to feel different than a regular match. They need to be faster-paced, more intense, maybe feel like an MMA fight. For example, why is Eli Drake going for a Figure Four Leglock when there are literally two seconds left in the round? What purpose would that serve? They need to find someone who can work a unique style and build the division around them. Otherwise, it might be time to drop this concept.
LAX vs. VOW: The match was fine, but I couldn’t get over how absurd the entire setup was. It was billed as no DQ (for absolutely no reason) and yet, LAX bothered to go to the effort of hiding their extra man/woman attacks from the ref. If they knew they were going to cheat (Konnan brought a pipe to the ring), why didn’t they just attack 5-on-2 from the get go? Or really, why bother even tagging in and out at all?
Spud Attacks: Rockstar Spud and Swoggle had actually given me a few me a few chuckles lately. I’m over it. Spud should have been the face in the angle since he was attacked with a hammer. But they had Swoggle just chilling in the crowd all night long minding his own business and Spud attacked him from behind with a hammer. Not a face move at all. Plus, the half-dozen refs looked silly for not trying to stop him. Sure, he has a weapon but he was basically trying to kill Swoggle! Somebody needed to man up.
Everett’s Look: Mike McMahon read my mind on the Impact Livecast last night. Andrew Everett needs a new look. His opponent, Low Ki, looked like a confident badass in his suit and tie outfit. Everett looks like a completely regular dude in every aspect. I’m no fashion expert, but he could use some new trunks and a new haircut. Visuals are still important in wrestling. You don’t need to look like Jinder Mahal, but you need to stand out in some shape or form.
Overall Show: There have been many, many worse episodes of Impact, but there simply wasn’t much to like about this one. There are so many small, strange things going on lately that their booking errors and oversights are starting to catch up to them. Why is Tyrus with Prichard? Does Eli Drake care about this? Why did they book a cage match? Where’s Matt Morgan? Why won’t they let El Patron talk? Which authority figure has the most power? Why was Swoggle acting like a babyface? Why are GFW titles still in existence? Does Christina Von Eerie want a rematch for her lost title? Why are Josh Mathews and Scott Steiner aligned? Why doesn’t Jeremy Borash tell Joseph Park to turn back into Abyss? Where did the DCC go? And considering they only have two pay-per-views a year, why are most of the matches not already booked for Slammiversary?
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S COLUMN: IMPACT HITS & MISSES: Kongo Kong, Rosemary’s turn, Scott Steiner’s return, Spud’s explanation, EC3-Storm-Magnus, Prichard, Ham Sandwiches
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