Pat McNeill is LIVE from McNeill Manor with your WWE No Mercy liveblog thingy.
SHILL: Don’t forget, @gregmparks & I host “Wrestling Night In America” on PWTorchLivecast immediately following WWE No Mercy. (515) 605-9345.
We join the WWE No Mercy Kickoff show. To honor America, we present our national anthem, sung by “The Drifter” Elias Samson!
Elias calls LA “The City Of Angels…Who Just Got Swept By The Astros”. Okay, dammit, that’s going too far!
Sorry, Elias, but that has to be the worst cover of “Yellow Ledbetter” I’ve ever heard.
We haven’t even gotten out of the Kickoff Show, and Cole has already stolen my LA Chargers joke. It’ll be a long night.
Apollo Crews vs. Elias Samson. Apparently someone who hasn’t won since Obama was President is now an “up-and-comer”.
Corey says that Titus is the Rick Rubin of WWE. At that, a cut-and-paste site reports that Titus is restarting Smoky Mountain.
Elias wins. SPOILER: The white wrestlers will win most of the matches tonight, as they have on every WWE show in 55 years.
Time for the main show. 1998 called, asking for its opening video package back. (And faster internet.)
For our opening bout, let’s get this Jason Jordan crap over with. (And yes, I know it’s not Jordan’s fault.)
It’s The Miz defending the WWE Intercontinental Title against Jason Jordangle. And now, let’s introduce our Valyrian Announce Team of Symon Silver Tongue & Jaime Lannister.
This is a good match. (I know! What were the odds?) Dallas & Axel interfere, allowing Miz to hit the Skull-Crushing Finale for the win. The crowd gives Axel a standing ovation for helping Miz win the match.
Renee Young interviews Jason Jordan, who gets booed relentlessly for complaining about the means Miz used to win the match. That’s right, fifteen years of the McMahons training fans not to complain about cheating has started to pay off.
I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but Shane McMahon is fighting Kevin Owens in Hell In A Cell next month.
Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt is next, and Finn Balor is not allowed to transform into The Demon. I’m waiting for Finn to dress someone up in his paint to prove that Finn and Demon are two different people.
Not only did Bray attack Finn before the match, but Wyatt’s T-shirt indicates he’s also joined Hydra. Balor has injured ribs, but he decides to start the match anyway.
Cole tells us Wyatt likes to take advantage of the injured. That’s it? Can’t you give us more, like “Bray steals snacks from the refrigerator in the break room?”
Balor traps Wyatt inside the ring apron. A real Eater of Worlds wouldn’t let that confuse him. Coup De Grace from the top rope onto the back of the neck, not the finish. A second Coup De Grace wins it for Finn.
Q: When will Asuka wrestle on Raw? A: Not soon enough.
Backstage, Charly Caruso steps up to The Bar. (No, I’m not proud of that one.)
It’s Rollins & Ambrose defending the WWE Tag Team Titles against Sheamus & Cesaro. So I should have time in here to check the football score…Well, I’ll be damned.
This looks a little stiff, but it isn’t anything out…Wait a minute. Didn’t Cesaro once have front teeth?
Sheamus & Cesaro are busy trying to kill Ambrose. The crowd, of course, thinks this is awesome. “Awesome” now means anything above three stars.
Cesaro hits a second rope powerbomb on Rollins, who lands on Ambrose. Okay, NOW you can chant. It’s all about timing. A miscue by the challengers leads to a rainmaker/Kobashi DDT combo, and a win for The Ex-Shield. All those guys had to do to put on a great match was..to actually hurt each other.
This five-way women’s title match definitely calls for a serious video package.
Alexa vs. Bayley vs. Emma vs. Nia vs. Sasha. As much as I enjoy Bayley, part of me can’t wait until 2028, when WWE brings her back to Raw as a cougar.
Nia Jax isn’t like most girls. Most girls in WWE take care of the people they’re working with.
The other women show up and help Bayley attack Nia. Finally. Bayley & Emma hit an assisted double powerbomb on Nia Jax outside the ring. That certainly woke up the crowd. Nia misses a blind charge and Alexa pins Bayley.
Alexa cuts a postmatch promo about how she’s the one true goddess. I’m sure that won’t come back to bite her…in four weeks.
Cena-Reigns is next. So WWE is using Neville to bring the crowd down before the main event? Good luck with that.
You know, having us wait for Reigns’ intro probably isn’t going to make people like him more.
Did I just hear Michael Cole call Cena “that old warhorse”?
Sign says “Roman, please don’t listen to these fans”. Don’t worry, kid. He won’t.
Reigns kicks out of the Super Deluxe Attitude Adjustment. Cena’s the clear crowd favorite on a pay-per-view match. (And? Loving it.) Reigns spears Cena through a table. That doesn’t look like fun, but it looks like it went as planned.
Reigns somehow charges into an Attitude Adjustment, which Super Cena converts into a rolling Attitude Adjustment. No sale. At this rate, we’ll be watching the end of this match on AXS TV.
Superman punch. Spear. Reigns pins Cena. “The biggest win of Roman Reigns’ career”. Corey Graves isn’t buying that, and buying that is Corey’s job.
Cole tells us Roman Reigns may one day be as good as John Cena.
Reigns just beat Cena, so it’s time for Roman to cut his postmatch promo…Or, he could sulk off to the back while the crowd chants “Thank you, Cena!”
No, Cena’s not retiring. If he was, he’d have left his folded jorts in the middle of the ring.
WWE 2k18. Be Like No One. So…they want to see your CAWs?
Miz wants to have Roman on MizTV and thank him for beating up John Cena. Hey, at least that makes sense.
Cruiserweight Title match. Until I saw Vic Joseph, I thought Michael Cole had gone back to his pre-puberty voice.
Here comes Enzo Amore. Holy crap! It’s a Zoot Suit Riot!
Enzo talks about KFC chicken like it’s his girlfriend. He talks about the title like it’s his girlfriend. No wonder Liv Morgan broke up with him.
Neville beats the snot out of Amore and blows him up. I have to hand it to WWE. They ARE bringing the crowd down.
The finish comes when Enzo steals the belt and uses the distraction to execute an avalanche style kick to the doodads. Enzo is your new WWE Cruiserweight Champion! Tune in to 205Live for more details.
Little Caesar’s ad. They’re still open on the West Coast to cater Enzo’s victory party.
The big video package means it’s time for Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman. Let’s do this, gang.
Here come the ring entrances. This is a Brock Lesnar singles match, so don’t blink once the bell rings.
Braun is bigger and stronger. Powerslam. Brock kicks out. Braun is cut under his left eye. Brock can’t hold Braun up for the F5.
Brock is selling a ton.
Kimura, but Braun make the ropes. Kimura again, for a loooong time. Braun makes the ropes…eventually.
One German suplex. Two. Three. Four. Five. Brock needs to catch his breath. F5 attempt, which Braun turns into a powerslam, but Strowman can’t follow up. Another Braun powerslam, but Brock kicks out.
F5. Brock takes it clean. Damn. Believe it or not, they could have had Braun win and make it look credible. Good job by both guys.
It has been fun, you people, but I have a show to do. Join Wade and friends for the VIP Roundtable, or Greg and I on PWTorchLivecast starting…now.