SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 3
OCTOBER 3, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with the Bellas talking about boogers. Oh FFS. No one needed this. Imagine if someone other than the Bella Twins were “executive producers” of this show. Somehow, superfluous Nia Jax segments seem like they would be four million times more fun. A girl can dream. Moving along, Paige is now Smackdown GM, which anyone with the internet knew like in April. Meanwhile, Naomi and Jimmy Uso sit in catering and bicker lightly over food. Jimmy is on a health kick and has gotten more in shape, and Naomi has cake and spaghetti on her plate. “You look like a snack,” Naomi says to Jimmy, and then agrees to try his diet for a week. Brief R-Truth sighting. Who would have thought – seeing him as K-Kwik on Sunday Night Heat way back in 1997 – that Ron Killings, of all people, would still be with the company 21 years later?
Anyway, Lana is talking to Paige backstage, so footage of Rusev vs. Bobby Roode is shown. Lana hasn’t been on TV in 12 weeks, and she’s annoyed at this. Evidently Lana has co-produced some indy flick in which she and Rusev appear called “Other Versions of You.” They show like 25 seconds of the film. Rusev appears backstage; he’s charming as always. If only he could have taught John Cena how to do that…
Moving along to Raw, Sheamus is shown backstage getting his hair done. Imagine an alternate universe where they swapped out the Bella Twins with Sheamus. I know, right? That show would be so much more watchable. Sheamus needs a girlfriend or a dating show. Anyway, it’s the Superstar Shakeup. Remember when they dragged that out endlessly two seasons ago? Nattie talks about Ronda Rousey for the four millionth time. Wow, Ronda actually appears on this show – speaking – for almost like a minute. A snippet of footage from Ember Moon’s debut match is shown.
Naomi agreed to Jimmy Uso’s diet. But she has to throw away a milkshake cup before she can walk inside her and Jimmy’s home. She gets caught anyway. Jimmy then goes on a tear in their pantry, throwing away all the sweets. Imagine how much less charming and more like it would look like domestic violence if John Cena and Nikki Bella had ever tried this story. Meanwhile, Lana and Rusev are in L.A. to promote this movie. Lana is trying to get noticed. She’s planning on tipping off the paparazzi in the hopes that they’ll get some press. She mentions that Gigi Hadid does this, at which point Rusev butchers that lady’s name, and, yes, it’s charming. Miraculously, guys with cameras show up in the next scene. Sadly, their faces are blurred.
Moving along, the late Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart makes a brief appearance. Nattie wants him to go on a diet. For whatever reason Paige and Nia call Nattie and mention the Nattie’s wardrobe malfunction – which was a hole in the crotch of her outfit. I have no recollection of this. Seriously. Nattie’s cooch going viral never made my radar and yet I actually follow her on Instagram. Commercial.
Back from commercial, Lana and Rusev are driving in their rented expensive sports car. “Zoom zoom,” says Rusev. Seriously, I mean it would probably get old and crazy, since it would involve Lana, but I’d rather see season 1 of Total Rusev than season 4 of Total Bellas. It could just be 44 minutes of him saying “zoom zoom.” Anyway, Lana and Rusev made TMZ, except they cut the part about the movie. Then we meet David, who is Lana’s brother.
Back to Nattie. Yes, there is another Anvil sighting. She’s brought her father yoga pants. Nattie’s mother has bought her underwear. The Anvil tries some on. Ah, the Anvil. Back in L.A. Lana and Rusev are getting dinner. Rusev says he wants to do the “Lady and the Tramp” scene with the bowl of pasta. Lana, who apparently has no idea that the male dog in the Disney movie was “the Tramp,” asks Rusev if he knows what tramp means. They think it means prostitute. That is, in fact, not what it means in the Disney movie, kids. Tramp is a synonym for hobo. Anyway, Lana wants to do a publicity stunt in the Lamborghini, she wants to drive in a bikini while Rusev moons people. “Do you know how hairy my ass is?” wonders Rusev. Lana ends up crying as she explains that she just wants to be famous on TV. “You’re super pretty and hot,” he says while attempting to comfort her. He said other words too, but if you have parents, then they’ve said the same thing to you too, unless you have really sucky parents.
Back in Tampa, Jimmy Usos has rented some bee hives so that they can have fresh honey… which seems like something from the Daniel Bryan playbook of weird hippie crap. Jimmy does some pop and lock moves while wearing the bee keeping suit. There’s a lot of bees. Naomi is a tad spooked by the bees.They take the suits off and go in the house. “C’mon, let me be your drone,” says Jimmy before he and she go into a bedroom and the door closes. Moving along, Lana and Rusev are going to take some naked or near naked pics on the beach. “I’m going to need something to hide my major shrinkage from that cold water. We’re going to have to find my penis after all this,” says Rusev of the concept of wearing a nude swimsuit. Seriously, screw Total Bellas, if we could just have Total Rusev. And so, they suit up and do the photo shoot. Commercial.
Back from commercial there is like a two second shot of Charles Robinson assembling the ring. Naomi has to admit to Jimmy Uso that she’s been cheating on his diet. Jimmy is cordial about it. Anyway, fun fact, wherever they were in Toldeo, Ohio, was the building that the Usos debuted in. Next segment, Lana and Rusev are in Mark Carrano’s office regarding their faux nude photo shoot. Rusev is smiling. They discuss that they CGI’d the nudity. Carrano actually asks, “What will the 8 year old girls who follow you think about this?” Moral of the story: Publicity stunt bad. Lana is then shown signing things for fans, many of whom happen to be children.
Wow, Ronda Rousey appears on the show again. Yes, it’s a Nattie segment. And, yes, Nattie is still concerned that the crotch of her outfit is going to rip… despite the fact that I still have no recollection of this being important. Also, every woman on earth who has ever worn tights or pantyhose has had the crotch rip out of either of those articles of clothing. Yes, we’ve all been there. Back from commercial, Nia imparts Nattie with the best advice: who cares? Yes, Nia, you are correct. Match footage is shown. It was one of those mixed tags involving like the entire women’s division. Oh, this was the match where Nattie supposedly hurt her knee. This is remember as an angle. The show closes with Nattie and Ronda hugging backstage.
They show a Jim Neidhart remembrance graphic.
Next week on Total Divas: Nattie’s having a BBQ, Paige is keeping a secret from Nia Jax, and Brie Bella can no longer produce breast milk (which is normal).
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 9/26 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Paige retires, T.J. buys the wrong color roses, WrestleMania 34 footage, Bellas have brunch with fans