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TOTAL BELLAS (SEASON 4, EPISODE 5)
FEBRUARY 17, 2019
AIRED ON E!
Tonight Birdee Bee is having a fashion show and Brie is going back on the road for ten weeks. So, basically, they’re pimping product and apparently Birdie can’t fly on a plane with her mommy to shows? So, when Brie Bella botched two dives in a match and they devoted three minutes to it on the last episode, they just devoted a whole minute to it here. Believe me, in wrestling circles, Brie’s in-ring botches were the most talked about subject she’s been involved in in years. That it’s glossed over here – wow, just wow.
So, Nikki and Nia Jax go to Curvy Con to talk about body positivity. Basically the phrase “body positivity” was said three times, and the interviewer pointed out that Nikki isn’t fat. That was like 45 seconds. Anyhoo, back to this fashion show that Birdee Bee is having in Scottsdale, Arizona. Basically, Nia explains a fashion show to Nikki. Ha ha, this doesn’t bode well. That was a whole minute. Moving along to Smackdown, Brie and Bryan arrive at the building. Brie complains about being busy. But you guys – replay like the first four seasons of Total Divas and watch Brie talk about being a working mom, LOL.
Brie and Bryan then sit in their home and discuss how this is hard for Brie. Ironically, it’s not like she’s working on anything as they discuss this. This is only relevant to me, but I’m sitting here writing a recap of this show at the desk at which I illustrate while I am not working on an illustration… even though that’s what I do before and after this show. There’s this magical thing called time management. Honestly, it’s not a foreign or secret concept. Being bad at prioritizing doesn’t make anyone exceptional.
On to this fashion show. I dunno if you guys and girls know this, but a fashion show that’s not in New York, L.A., or Paris usually takes place in a mall. I don’t expect this to rise above that level. We meet baby Alice, the daughter of Creepy Brother and Lauren. Moment of horror for me watching this show – their dog licks Birdie’s tongue. OMFG, hork. Maya is going to be in this fashion show. There’s a rehearsal. So, they pick out an outfit for Maya. I guarantee it will be modest. For the record to the random lady at this rehearsal who suggests that we’ve all watched modeling videos to learn how to walk a runway – no, no we have not. Also, I’m not sure why the Bella Twins are suddenly acting like they know everything about modeling when in the first segment of this show Nia Jax explained how a runway show works to Nikki Bella? Am I not supposed to be able to remember ten minute ago or have thoughts about it?
The Bella Twins are interviewed by some lady from “Good Morning Arizona.” Then we have the clip from YouTube where Brie tells Nikki she’s not going to Comic Con in Philadelphia. Nikki is “upset” about this. Brie says “comeback,” so, take a drink. Seriously, none of this is interesting. Oh, Nikki just said “comeback,” so, take another drink. Creepy Brother takes Nikki to a place that rents out luxury cars, because image or whatever. Earlier in the show while discussing farting in an elevator, Nikki drove over a curb. I’m not sure why I’m supposed to be impressed by this car rental? The whole family is gathered around a table. Nikki tries to garner sympathy about going to Comic Con alone. In a voiceover she calls Brie a little bitch. Yes, teenage girls, you can totally find better role models, and no, a fourth season of Total Bellas was never necessary. Nikki complains about having to travel to this convention. Being famous is hard, eh? Why, yes, that’s the sound of the world’s smallest violin playing in the background.
Back from commercial we’re at this Birdee Bee fashion show. Some lady named Heather who works for them is concerned about Maya. They’re bitching about having her walk a runway and not “stick out.” She’s 16, who cares if she’s awkward? No really. I doubt she’s going to fall in the pool or break into a square dance. It’s literally walking in one direction, turning around, and walking back. This is a lot to do about nothing, considering that they spent three minutes on Brie’s botched dives which had the potential to be injurious, not merely mildly embarrassing.
The acoustics at the first-ever Birdee Bee fashion show aren’t that great. Also, it takes place at night, and the lighting is sketchy, as in the spotlight doesn’t hit the model’s heads. Lauren does a runway walk, despite having just given birth two weeks prior. Next up is Maya. Spoiler alert: She is not abducted by aliens, nor does she fall in the pool. Also, the lighting is still shit, because the spotlight generates a shadow on her face. SMH. They’re all happy, but Nikki has to go catch her flight.
Cell phone footage of Comic Con in Philly is shown; faces are blurred out. Yes, that was like 20 seconds. It took me longer to type those two sentences than they devoted to Comic Con. Brie and Bryan have a mixed tag at Hell in a Cell, the PPV. Match footage is shown. Ironically, no one talks about how little time has elapsed since Maryse gave birth to daughter Monroe Sky when this match took place. Maryse and Miz won the match. As Brie chose not to bring Birdie on the road with her, she’s all stressed out about not seeing Birdie. Brie, Bryan, and Nikki train together at some gym. Brie cries about Birdie crying. Nikki says something about “mom guilt being a real thing.” Oap, Brie says “comeback” again, so, take another drink. Moving along, at Raw the Bellas and Nattie will face the Riott Squad. This was the match where Brie kicked Liv in the face. I still remember Wade’s points about timing, cooperation, counting, and who is looking where. I still expect them to spend about two more minutes on this, because it doesn’t involve pimping wine or underwear or pretending like walking to music on a poorly lit runway is real hard.
Back from break, they show footage of Brie kicking Liv Morgan in the face. Brie pins Liv, and Liv does a kick-out that’s as bad as the Owen Hart-Steve Austin IC Title pin from the match where Owen nearly paralyzed Austin. Backstage Johnny Ace explains that Brie needs to apologize. Bo Dallas walking down a hallway! Nia Jax is shown comforting Brie. Nikki then comforts Brie. I dunno why we’re all supposed to feel bad for Brie here, considering that they don’t show her apologizing to Liv. Yes, the show ended with Brie crying about kicking someone in the face instead of the chest.
Coming up: Nikki will face Ronda, and Brie may want to retire and / or have another baby.