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Roman Reigns is one of the most dramatic, divisive and discussed WWE performers in history. The company makes desperate play after desperate play to make him your favourite graps guy – with limited success. How do they do it? What do they do?
I’m Tom Colohue and this is the Monday Night Reigns-o-Meter.
Roman Reigns returned this week and took his rightful place where he belonged – in the main event of Monday Night Raw, Smackdown Live, and probably Extreme Rules too. Main Event Roman is back again.
We haven’t seen too much of The Big Dog lately, especially not in the standard Big Dog Top Spot. Thankfully, after countless weeks crying myself to sleep, I have finally been rescued by his glorious majesty, his majestic brilliance, his brilliant awesomeness. He’s back and he’s on a mission to hype up his Extreme Rules tag match. The Undertaker can’t do it; he’s too busy with all his other feuds. Shane McMahon can’t do it; he doesn’t have nearly enough TV time. Drew McIntyre can’t do it; he’s…
I’ve got nothing. Line?
WWE social media has spent all week advertising that McIntyre and McMahon, or the McFamily as I’m now calling them for reasons unknown, would face Roman Reigns and a mystery partner on Raw. Naturally, this mystery partner had to be much less impressive than The Undertaker so Kazuchika Okada was politely asked to stay at home for this one.
Roman Reigns was not allowed to pick his partner. Naturally, this is why he politely nudged Kenny Omega out of the door marked “thanks, but no thanks” before Raw began. All night, we saw the McFamily (I’m genuinely sticking with the name) approaching randomers in the back about joining the match.
I mean, who wouldn’t want to step into the ring with the hashtag best in the world, am I right? Shoot your shot, bro.
The McFamily eventually settled on not so much a man, but a goat. What’s better, being best in the world or being a goat? Find out tonight on Raw! Naturally, this meant that the reserve option, Sasha Banks, was politely advised to go to a country far, far away. Like, I don’t know, Japan or something.
The match itself was okay. Shane McMahon continues to do that unfortunate thing where he spends a lot of time in a wrestling ring but, more importantly, the goat himself was eventually unmasked to reveal – drumroll please – Cedric Alexander.
He also lost the match for his team, by the way. Things have been going really well for Cedric since he left 205 Live, haven’t they?
Naturally, this suggests that Cedric Alexander is actually secretly The Undertaker. Obviously The Undertaker really did retire against Roman Reigns at WrestleMania all those years ago. Unquestionably, Cedric Alexander recently found the sacred Hat Of Pieces Rested and donned it, thus transforming him into The Undertaker. How nobody else is seeing this has baffled me. Why isn’t every wrestling journalist in the world covering this in more detail? Cedric Alexander is The Undertaker.
Alright fine, you give me a better explanation?!
Also on Raw, Becky Lynch took yet another big punch to the face, but this time shrugged off the potential broken jaw due to her newfound “did you know I have a boyfriend” powers. Also, there may or may not have been some wrestling. It’s hard to tell sometimes.
Fast forwarding to SmackDown faster than Sami Zayn can delete an ill considered tweet and Roman Reigns is again in the main event. This time, Dolph Ziggler becomes his opponent after a brief scuffle in the parking lot with America’s new hero Kevin Owens. Unfortunately this meant that Tessa Blanchard was politely released from her contract as Roman now had a new opponent.
Roman’s life has of course been at the behest of Shane McMahon since early April now, for some reason. Thankfully, Roman has a new ally in the form of Cedric Alexander, who stormed the ring to attack… oh no, it’s Kevin Owens.
I swear, if the whole plan here is to create a brand new Union of People You Ought to Respect, Son, I’m out of here. UPYOURS doesn’t work without the legendary wrestling master, Test.
So Roman comes out with a loss on one show, thanks to Cedric Alexander. Insert shrug emoji here because, let’s be fair, there’s no other way to react to that. However, on the other show, he comes away with a win thanks to Kevin Owens.
This has been the strangest week.
– Shane McMahon
– Drew McIntyre
– Shane McMahon
– Drew McIntyre
– Dolph Ziggler
Did Roman Reigns beat the odds?
No, but really yes
No, I don’t know where you can get your own personal Hat Of Pieces Rested.