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We are LIVE at the McNeill Command Center for this on-demand blog of Hell In A Cell 2015 on WWE Network.
So, who is John Cena’s mystery opponent tonight in Los Angeles? My money’s on Don Mattingly. He has some free time.
The Kickoff Show is on the air. Holy smokes, you should see what Renee Young is wearing. Eat your heart out, Erin Andrews. Booker is rocking a good suit, too, if you’re into that sort of thing. I should probably turn the volume on at some point.
Tom Philips has the Dudleys coming to visit in the Social Media lounge. Corey Graves picks Lesnar. Saxton picks Undertaker. Booker takes a while to say he has no pick.
Video package for Reigns vs. Wyatt. Bray Wyatt steals his promo from one of the greats, Alan Moore. Then, highlights of Cole’s sitdown interview with Bray. We need an animated gif of Cole making his Chris Hansen face at Bray.
Booker explains that the Reigns-Wyatt match is more “mental versus mental.” Watch your back, Joe Rogan.
JoJo is standing by with Hurricane John Cena. Cena steals his promo from another of the greats, Reese Bobby.
The All-Star Panel is forced to predict who will accept John Cena’s open challenge. Booker says he knows, but isn’t telling.
Kevin Owens cuts a promo. He doesn’t follow sports, but he knows the Los Angeles Lakers suck. Then he mocks the statue of “Magic Jackson” outside the arena. Very nice.
No one is allowed at ringside for the Divas Title match. Okay then.
This month’s theme song sounds a little like the old “We’re All Together Now” music for the WWF War Zone.
Title match video package. Corey Graves tells us “Seth Rollins is the strongest WWE champion in years.” Bwah-ha-ha!
Let’s get to the pre-show match. It’s Ziggler/Cesaro/Neville vs. Sheamus/Rusev/Barrett. And not a moment too soon! The Cosmic Wasteland has created its own “Stardust Section.” I approve. Barrett is now the “King of Bad News.” Sheamus has a badass entrance now, so they’re probably planning to ramp up his push before he cashes in his briefcase.
Sheamus says he wants to rid WWE of all the underdogs. Didn’t that used to be John Laurinaitis’s job? JBL puts over Danno O’Mahoney, the inventor of the Irish Whip. I’ll put over Kenny Dugan, the inventor of the Orange Whip. Orange Whip, anyone? Michael Cole compares Rusev to the late Alex Karras. Alex used to wrestle, too, you know.
So, in the space of a month, Ziggler gets dumped by Lana, passed over by Nikki Bella, double-crossed by Summer Rae, and beaten up by Tyler Breeze. Cool story, bro. Now Ziggler gets to take the heat for a bit, until he gets out of the way long enough for Rusev to run headfirst into the ringpost.
Cesaro gets the hot tag and cleans house. Boy, it sure is nice for the Staples Center crowd to chant for a guy who’s not over. Barrett takes a superkick, giant swing, and a Red Arrow. Good guys win.
There’s a sign in the crowd. “Kayfabe is dead.” Well, duh. Maybe we can move on to the main show now.
The Dudleys look about as happy to be in the Social Media Lounge as I am to watch this segment. “We’re the Dudley Boyz, Tom.” No Xavier Woods tonight. Don’t forget, you can follow tonight’s show via social media by using the hashtag #WeAreF—kingDesperate.
Unauthorized Viewers Beware And Be Forewarned. Then, now, forever.
“Hell comes in many forms.” According to the intro package, Seth Rollins, Kane, Undertaker, and Brock Lesnar are each facing their own versions of hell tonight. See, they tied it all together. It is a night of final chapters. It is the end of Brocktober.
We open up with…John Cena! The “Push John Cena” sign may be my favorite. Except for the big Lassie sign. Cena decides to skip his scripted promo and call for an opponent.
Please be Heath Slater, please be Heath Slater, please be…nope. It’s Zeb Colter! And Zeb introduces his new client…Ted Cruz! No, no, just kidding. It’s actually Alberto Del Rio. Couldn’t get Ricardo Rodriguez, could you?
Joking. This is fantastic. WWE used one of its problems (needing more Hispanic talent) to solve another one. Cena has a look on his face that says “What the hell? I was expecting R-Truth!”
So, we’re going to unite the AAA and U.S. Titles. The only problem with this move is, as Cole points out, we saw Cena and Del Rio have a lengthy feud a few years back, and I can’t remember anything about those matches.
Del Rio wins clean with a kick to the head. Cena stays down for a while, and sells it. JBL explains that Cena’s schedule was too much for him.
Seth Rollins comes backstage to ask Mom and Dad for the keys to the Cadillac. Uncle Kane walks in to apologize for defying orders from Triple H and Stephanie. Uncle Kane, go have a beer. Mommy and Daddy have to have a special talk with Junior.
Up next, Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt in the Cell. Bray may not be able to win tonight, but he has the better entrance, and isn’t that what matters most? JBL starts out explaining the storyline, then somehow segues into all the times Reigns was screwed out of the title in 2015.
The match is decent, the crowd is into it, but everyone seems to be in Waiting For Something To Happen Mode. I think I’m paying more attention than the announcers are. “Where did that kendo stick come from?” It was under the ring, King. Try to keep up.
Reigns with the comeback, throwing Wyatt into a chair Wyatt had hung in the fencing. The fans, of course, are cheering for Daniel Bryan. Reigns goes under the ring and finds the other kendo sticks Bray left there. A babyface outsmarting a heel. Who’d have thought it?
Roman gets two tables out from under the ring. Backstage, the Dudleys are freaking out. “He’s using our tables!” Bray puts Reigns through one table with a Rock Bottom. Reigns tops that by powerbombing Wyatt through a table. Bray kicks out of the Superman Punch.
Then Reigns spears Wyatt off the apron through a third table. Ouch. So that’s it, right? Nope. Reigns kicks out of Sister Abigail. Bray goes to impale Roman on a pair of kendo sticks, but Reigns isn’t done. Kendo stick to the eye and a spear. Roman Reigns wins. That was very good.
This year is the 25th Anniversary of Undertaker’s debut at the Survivor Series, presented by Rolaids. Oh, boy. Randy Orton vs. Eric Roberts in The Condemned 2, coming in 12 days.
Mark Wahlberg and Billy Gibbons are here. The injured Xavier Woods sends out Unicorn Wishes to his mates, because Friendship Is Magic.
New Day vs. The Dudleys. Big E. Langston has the trombone. The t-shirt Kofi is wearing, with The New Day riding a unicorn, is awesome. The challengers are not down with the unicorns. JBL declares that Xavier Woods was trained by Chief Jay Trombone. We’re not going to top that.
The Dudleys have a miscue, and the announcers point out how uncharacteristic that is. Time for D-Von to make the hot tag. Whassup drop, but Kofi interrupts before the Dudleys can get the tables. Kofi does an Eddie Guerrero spot by throwing the trombone to Bubba Ray. The ref doesn’t buy it.
Big E. whacks Bubba with the trombone and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise. The New Day wins another one. Which is fair. Kofi & Big E. are a special act.
WWE 2K16. Can you book a better wrestling promotion than WWE? I’d be disappointed if you couldn’t.
Charlotte Flair vs. Nikki Bella. Let’s re-use last month’s video package and see if anyone notices. There’s nobody at ringside. It’s one-on-one. Nikki busts out a slingshot suplex, and a backslide, and a half-crab. Hey, you adapt or you die.
Some nice sounds on the chops and strilkes. They turned the Divas loose. Nikki goes for the superplex from the top rope, but Charlotte flips and lands on her feet. Nikki does give Charlotte an Alabama Slam onto the ring apron, but Charlotte locks in her finisher wins. Whoo! I mean, wow! Paige and Becky come out to celebrate with Charlotte.
Backstage, Ambrose congratulates the Big Dog on his win. Reigns still looks a bit shaky. In the arena, Bill Simmons and Seth Green are in attendance live.
Up next, Seth Rollins defends the WWE World Heavyweight Title against Kane. The match begins with Seth explaining to his opponent that Corporate Kane and Demon Kane are the same person. Like many therapy sessions, things soon get out of hand.
Cole explains we’re coming up on the 18th anniversary of Demon Kane’s debut and the second anniversary of Corporate Kane’s debut. Does this mean I have to send two cards?
This is the point of the match where Rollins, who has been terrified of Kane for the past several weeks, starts in with the high-risk offense. The announcers actually debate what the outcome of this match means to Triple H & Stephanie. Um, nothing.
I take that back. If Kane loses, Triple H and Stephanie have to hire a new Director of Authority, and they’ll want to do it on Raw, which means we’ll a whole bunch of job interview skits with the candidates, and maybe the second interviews taking place in the ring and…
Yeah, I’m rooting for Kane.
I’d share some of the deathless prose from the announcers, but I’m too busy rolling my eyes. You do know WWE Network comes with Spanish commentary, right? Kane clears off the announce table before trying to put Seth through it. What a thoughtful monster. Seth reverses and tries to put Kane through the Spanish announce table, but he sort of bounces Kane off the edge. Ugh.
Top rope knee by Rollins. A second one. Superkick. Second superkick. Frogsplash. Kane kicks out. Dude, the match can’t end until one of you hits his finisher. You know this. Rollins finally hits the Pedigree for the win.
Cole points out that Corporate Kane is fired. I point out that the Seth Rollins vs. Kane feud is finally over.
After some blurbs from the All-Star Panel, it’s time for the Intercontinental Title match, with Kevin Owens defending against Ryback.
Ryback is out first. I don’t know the sound of one hand clapping, but I can recognize the sound of nobody giving a crap. Kevin Owens is a bit more popular. I also like that Owens bought the “Indy Wrestling Gear Combo Pack (black)” from Highspots.
Owens wins in six minutes with the powerbomb. There was nothing to this bout, and there will be even less to their re-match tomorrow on Raw. Okay, I did like Owens kicking Ryback in the hand and Ryback selling as if he’d been poked in the eyes again, but I’m easily amused.
Earlier tonight, we learned that Alberto Del Rio bought Zeb Colter a new Rascal Scooter. It looks sharp.
Undertaker vs. Lesnar in the main event. No offense, but I will be floored is this is as good as their 2002 Hell In A Cell match. There is something ironic about Brock posing in front of the giant Susan G. Komen logo like that. JBL opines that Lesnar looks “like a caged animal…in a cage.”
Taker slams the door shut. We are ready. It looks like a battle between two aging cagefighters. Lesnar proves that he can take actual shots from the Dead Man. And Brock has been busted open already. Really? Wow.
Lesnar whacks Taker with some chair shots. The cut doctor comes in to try and stop the bleeding. The crowd boos. Chairshot, chairshot.
I’m not sure whether Brock juiced. I am fairly certain that Taker did. Here we go. We have a deliberate pace, but that isn’t bad. Taker rips at Brock’s eyes and nostrils. Brock hits a German suplex. And a second. Third. This never gets old, does it?
F5. Kickout. The cut doctor comes in. Brock takes out the doctor. Second F5. Kickout. Now the place starts coming unglued. Steel steps to Taker. Kickout.
Taker blocks, locks in Hell’s Gate. Brock powers out. Then Brock gets an idea. He rips up the canvas and tears out the padding. I’ve seen this before, just not in WWE. Taker chokeslams Lesnar on the boards. It *looks* different, doesn’t it? Tombstone, but not on the boards. Kickout.
Both wrestlers are tired, and look like they’re fresh out of original ideas. Taker advances, and Brock hits him in the balls. F5 (on the padding) and Brock wins. Well, damn. That was pretty awesome.
Lesnar collapses in Heyman’s arms. Outstanding touch. The Beast gets up and wobbles to the back.
Undertaker gets up slowly. Standing ovation time. The Dead Man eventually does a non-zombie sit-up. A lot of respect here. The announcers are joining in. This time, Undertaker is not concussed and can…
…The lights go out, and here comes the Wyatt Family. “Why ruin this moment?” Why not? It’s four on one. But nobody comes out to save The Undertaker. No one at all. No babyfaces. No WWE officials. Most of all, no Brock Lesnar.
The Wyatts form a human cross and carry The Phenom to the back. Undertaker goes out on his shield.
The last 40 minutes or so make up for the shortcomings on the rest of the show.