PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill live blogs tonight’s important WWE event, so you don’t have to. Hit the refresh button during the show for the latest posts.
Don’t worry, it’s still the Kickoff show.
Your Survivor Series Kickoff Show panel is Renee Young, Jerry Lawler, Peter Rosenberg & Nick Nolte (in for David Otunga.)
I will also admit that I dropped the ball on this month’s preview article. I should have titled it “Enchantment Under The Siege”. So I made that the name of the live blog.
Also, when my daughter is born, she will become my excuse for never watching another WWE Kickoff Show.
Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair have a promo battle. There’s nothing as exciting as hearing competing wrestlers argue over who loves their promotion more.
Elias beats Matt Hardy. Hey, Matt, thanks for coming back to WWE!
Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn beat Breezango. That’ll teach them not to feed their opponents after a match.
AJ Styles isn’t afraid of Brock Lesnar. Okay, maybe he’s a little afraid of Lesnar. But he’s not afraid of that Jinder Mahal fellow who tries to bogart his interview time.
Paul Heyman cuts a promo for Lesnar, explaining to Styles that this isn’t a Rocky movie. That’s true. Unlike Survivor Series, the Rocky films ran about two hours each.
The rest of the panel is surprised that Shawn Michaels likes AJ Styles in his match against Brock Lesnar. Well, one of those men has beaten up the Heartbreak Kid and the other hasn’t, so…that makes sense.
Peter Rosenberg declares that Survivor Series is the best pay-per-view card in a long time. Or since last month. I’m good at tuning this stuff out.
Get ready, because we’re about to have dream matches you never dreamed of seeing.
Aw crap, I missed Enzo vs. Kalisto while I was helping to make supper. Between that and being a Redskins fan, this has been a rough day. (On the bright side, we got the crib into the house.)
Time for the video package and the main show.
“Which show is the A Show?” Raw. Because Triple H & Stephanie are on it. Any more stupid questions, Michael Cole?
The Shield and The New Day are jerking The Curtain.
Please advise The New Day that at my age, the only “tumbler” that holds my interest is my Clemson tumbler. The one that holds my iced green tea. (* sip *) Aaaaahhh.
The fourth hour on this pay-per-view means we get to relive the greatest moment of The Siege, when Negan showed up on Raw with a barbed wire baseball bat and…Oh. Wrong channel.
Two weeks ago, The New Day cost The Shield the WWE World Tag Team Titles. Because they’re dicks.
We have four announcers for the Kickoff Panel and five more for the show itself. Can we go ahead and built a Hollywood Squares set in time for Royal Rumble?
And the battle for the WWE Unified Six Man Tag Team Titles is underway!
I’m starting to appreciate Roman Reigns and his “I’m not going to wear one of your damn stupid T-shirts” attitude.
“The Big Dog is marking his territory!” That’s probably the right time to leave the ring, yeah.
Whenever The New Day wears those outfits, the building should send out the cotton candy vendors. That’s some fantastic subliminal advertising.
Corey Graves talks about how The Shield are the best brawlers in the company, moments before Big E. spears Ambrose through the ropes.
Remember, this is the only night of the year where Raw and Smackdown fight each other. Except for all those episodes over the past few weeks when wrestlers invaded the opposing show and…fought each other.
Rollins hits Woods with the Buckle Bomb, which will henceforth be known as the “StingSlayer”.
Everyone hits a finishing move. (You’ll see more of that later.)
Woods has Ambrose (the legal man) down in the middle of the ring, then screams and leaves the ring to go after Roman. It’s Reigns Derangement Syndrome!
Booker T even point out how much time New Day is wasting, so you know it’s bad.
New Day hits the Doomsday Clock version of the Midnight Hour on Rollins & Ambrose. Reigns hits a spear on Kingston and the crowd pops. That’s how you KNOW this is a good match.
Shield hits the triple superbomb on Kingston for the win. See? Good shows don’t have to be complicated.
Raw is up 1-0. And apparently we needed a graphic for that.
Stephanie McMahon has a pep talk for Alicia Fox and her team. She even wore red, like that nice lady on “Game Of Thrones”.
Here it is. Raw women against Smackdown women. Cole is a total shill for Raw here, just like Gordon Solie would have been.
Becky and Alicia start, and this is not the best opening sequence I’ve ever seen. Tag to Bayley, who pins Becky. That escalated quickly.
I’d like to congratulate Carmella on tagging in, then tagging out before actually doing anything. Tamina pins Bayley. Four on four.
Nia and Tamina face off. Tamina realizes that trying to outthick Nia Jax is a bad idea. But Tamina does superkicks. Three of them. Tamina makes it back inside the ring. Nia doesn’t, and gets counted out. Four on three.
Naomi didn’t have Alicia Fox down for the three count, but the ref decides to eliminate Alicia anyway, before someone gets hurt.
Sasha makes Naomi tap to the Bank Statement. Raw is only down three on two now. Asuka gets hold of Carmella and eventually kicks Carm in the face. We’re two on two.
Sasha and Natalya in for a wrestling interlude. They trade submission move. Natalya wins. Sasha taps. Asuka has to beat Tamina and Natalya.
There’s an entire arena chanting for Asuka, so I’d say the squash matches are working.
Flying armbar on Tamina. She taps. It’s one on one. Nattie escapes a kneebar, but does not escape the Asuka Lock. Asuka is your sole survivor. Raw goes up two-nothing.
WWE Network takes a few minutes out of the show to congratulate itself.
Stephanie McMahon Helmsley gloats to Daniel Bryan about Raw winning. And about getting Shane beat up on Smackdown. And she offers to give Smackdown to Daniel Bryan once Shane is out of the picture. That last part was interesting.
Time for The Miz versus Baron Corbin. (Go, Miz!)
The German announce team now has three members. It’s contagious.
Thank goodness all the wrestlers are wearing colored T-shirts. Otherwise, I’d never know which wrestler was on which brand.
Some fans chant “Let’s go Corbin!” Some chant “Let’s go Miz!” There are others saying “Let’s go to the concession stands!”
Corbin overcomes the three on one odds and wins with End of Days. Hey, how about that? Raw still has a 2-1 lead. Baron tries to cut a babyface promo after the match. Not bad.
Bayley helps the winner of the Kay Jewelers contest pick out an engagement ring, because Lana had a prior engagement.
The Boondock Bar vs. The Uso Penitentiary is next. There’s only 450 minutes left in the show at this point.
Thanks to the upgrade, Sheamus’s hair is now compatible with EU electronic outlets.
The Usos win after a long, pitched battle. Someone has been watching World Tag League. Two to two.
Jason Jordan says he’s a hundred percent behind Raw and his father’s team. Except for Triple H, because that guy’s a big meanie.
Time for The Goddess versus The Queen. Good times.
Booker compares Alexa Bliss to Jose Altuve. I have to admit, that’s a new one.
Michael Cole goes over the implications of the winning brand going up three to two. It’s too bad the Children’s Television Workshop is defunct, because I think they could have helped.
Naomi does a no-look split-legged moonsault and misses completely. Alexa Bliss goes up top, sees Charlotte getting up, and changes strategies. Explains why Alexa’s on top (in storyline). Logic is a good thing.
And speaking of no-look moonsaults, well, there you go.
Alexa throws an impressive tantrum, screaming at Charlotte to give up. Twisted Bliss, but Charlotte gets her knees up. Figure-eight and Charlotte taps. There you go. Smackdown is up three to two. My preshow prediction for the men’s elimination match doesn’t look so hot now.
BREAKING NEWS: WrestleMania 34 is STILL in New Orleans. We promise!
Charlotte Flair stars in WWE Clash of Champions, four weeks from tonight.
Brock Lesnar vs. AJ Styles is next. Hmmm….
It sure is nice of WWE to let AJ Styles hold its Heavyweight Title. It helps people like me maintain our delusion that knowing how to work matters.
Here we go. Brock throws Styles around like one of those rubber superballs. AJ unleashes some brief offense that pops the crowd. Lesnar is dumb enough to try a running knee which gives Styles an opening.
Then AJ tries to hit his phenomenal forearm, and Brock catches him. Ouch. Whatever else you think of AJ Styles, he bumps like a maniac.
25 years from now, Jim Valley & I will be on Wayback Playback, making fun of the guy in Macho Man costume in the third row.
Styles with the Calf Crusher, which Lesnar counters the way every 300 pound monster should counter that move. Lesnar catches AJ (literally. He literally CAUGHT AJ) and hits the F5 for the win. That was really good.
We’re tied at three matches a piece. If we allow fifty minutes for the main event, the show ends on time.
Let’s meet Team Raw. They actually have a wrestler who’s under the age of 35. That gives Smackdown the experience advantage here.
Triple H is even wearing a red T-shirt (under his black jacket). It smells like Team Spirit!
The highlight of a five on five match like this is that you get the full Roode entrance, followed by the full Nakamura music. I’m starting to think that’s the only reason they were booked for this match.
The Smackdown team wears blue, except for John Cena, who is wearing his green Smackdown alternate jersey.
Samoa Joe is in the ring with Randy Orton. First time. Balor and Nakamura face off. They may have done this before.
Triple H locks up with Nakamura. I smell a pedigree. Nope. Hunter sells a kick. But Shinsuke’s only getting one.
Roode’s in with Hunter. He gets a one count on The Game. And a spinebuster. And a taunt.
We go to Strowman and Nakamura. Braun pins Nakamura with a powerslam. Roode’s turn. Braun pins him with a powerslam too. Raw is up five to three.
Smackdown’s turn. Cena beats Samoa Joe after a couple Attitude Adjustments. Orton catches Balor with an RKO. It is three on three.
Kurt Angle faces off with John Cena. Balor hits a Coup De Grace and Angle hits two Angle slams. Cena is gone. Three on two.
Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn come through the crowd and attack Shane. Bryon asks how Owens & Zayn can be so selfish, clinching that he doesn’t even watch his own show. While this is going on, Strowman pins Randy Orton. Shane McMahon is down three on one.
Shane fights, and Angle puts him in the anklelock, and Triple H turns on Angle. Pedigree. Shane pins Kurt. Then Hunter pedigrees and pins Shane himself. Hunter wins. So does Braun, I guess.
No, wait. Braun is pissed at Hunter. One slam. A second slam. Raw wins, Braun wins, and everyone goes home happy!
That’s it. Join me & Greg on the Livecast, then hear the guys on the VIP Roundtable. Good night!