3/24 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 10): Bryan turns heel, fingers crossed that this marks the end of a pointless reality series filled with rich people problems

By Sarah K, PWTorch contributor

MARCH 24, 2019

Tonight, will Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan have sex and make another baby? Will Nikki date Artem? And Daniel Bryan turns heel. After all the B-roll clips, we’re finally going to finish off this Nikki vs. Ronda Rousey match, you, the one that happened four months ago where Nikki Bella lost and then hasn’t been seen on WWE TV since then. Yeah, I’m really really hoping that there is no season 5 of this show. May this be the series finale, E! reality TV show programmers.

Anyway, Ronda wins! “I can’t believe it’s over. Even though I lost, this is such a huge accomplishment,” Nikki says of being booked in the main event (over all of the active women who regularly appear on the roster). Highlights of the Bellas career are shown, Brie says “comeback” again. And now they’re pimping their wine brand on the show. Everyone goes to Napa… where I guess we’re going to pretend to learn about making wine. Nikki talks about being sad after having the match, and then she says come back. Yeah, a lot of this show is meaningless conversation. I don’t care where Nikki Bella lives. According to this show, I should care. I don’t, still.

Oh, Creepy Brother shows up in Napa. The family is assembled around a table. They’re eating, and they discuss Nikki retiring. Meanwhile, in St Louis Daniel Bryan is going to turn heel. Bryan explains what he loves about wrestling as footage of Bryan kicking A.J. in the testicles is shown. Yes, Bryan has turned heel. He says: “I love it when children boo. That’s my favorite thing.” Back to Napa, this is where Nikki broke up with John, so I guess that makes Napa sad. Having an entire city seem sad because you ended a relationship there seems like a rich person problem. Just saying. Commercial. Yes, it’s a Miz and Mrs. commercial, and, honestly, I wish the Miz was on this show, or at least the Miz’s dad.

Somewhere in Napa the family does a photo shoot. Brie thinks that Nikki should work less. Nikki thinks that work = money; she is kind of right in that regard. They do a blindfolded wine tasting to see if they can identify wines. Brie identifies the most drinks while blindfolded. Brie and Nikki are apparently going to learn how to make wine, you know, since they slapped their name onto a product that someone else made. We watch other people pick grapes. Moving on, they’re trying to plan a 35th birthday party. Peter is mentioned. Nikki acts like she’s dating someone. Anyway, the entire family doesn’t know how to pronounce centaur. All three seem to think it’s centard or cenotard. Yeah, this is a YouTube clip.

More vineyard footage, and then the family does wine stomping, which reminds me that wine is gross, because, ew, feet. Anyway, we finish the centaur YouTube clip… which is also, oh, Nikki has a career because she’s single and needs money clip. Anyway, Nikki goes to Europe and realizes that she’s ready to retire when she gets back to wherever this family is gathered around a table and drinking alcohol. They show Nikki’s career highlights (that don’t involve John Cena). Nikki got a house in L.A. Anyway, Bryan won the WWE Title from A.J., so now he has to face Brock Lesnar. Commercial.

Daniel Bryan is at Survivor Series to face Brock Lesnar. Bryan says the match is like David and Goliath. Bryan low-Herbieblows Brock, but ultimately Brock wins. According to Bryan, the fans wanted to cheer him, but are confused because he’s a bad guy. As I said, according to Bryan. I guess the Bellas are having a birthday party. Yes, there is actually some poor schmuck who was paid to wear a centaur costume. I think we all feel bad for that man. Everyone compliments his abs. Creepy Brother tries to have an ab-off. Believe me, poor poor pitiful man dressed as a centaur has better abs. I still feel bad for him. Moving along, Brie and Nikki pack up the house that Brie and Bryan were renting in San Diego. She sentimentally packs up wrestling stuff last to reminisce.

Brie and Bryan are driving back to Phoenix. “We’re still twins, we don’t have to live identical anymore,” says Brie as they stand in front of cars leaving the San Diego house. Nikki wishes Brie “so much happiness.” I guess we’re supposed to feel sad about rich people moving to different homes because they can afford to do so on a whim? The new house is mostly unpacked and decorated and Bryan is tired. Okay. The dog has pooped on the floor. Brie is excited to have “my family as the main priority.” Meanwhile, Nikki is happy to be in L.A., and she’s hanging out with Artem. She acts coy about dating him and they ride off on a motorcycle.

Fingers crossed that this was the end of this series!

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 3/17 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 9): The build-up to women’s PPV, Brie and Nikki turn on Rousey, John Laurinaitis discusses voice issues, Brie upset fans complain about her botched spots

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