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TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 5
OCTOBER 30, 2019
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
The show opens with a long recap of several uninteresting plot points: The Ronda Rousey-Sonya Deville feud that never materialized, Sonya goes house hunting, and will Nia Jax brainwash Ronda into believing in WWE-speak and towing the company line? Somewhere in Cleveland Sonya, Carmella, Nattie, and Naomi gather around a table. Sonya’s relationship is discussed; it’s not interesting, but it’s vaguely discussed. Sonya has to leave.
The remainder of the women discuss Ronda not being WWE brainwashed. You know, the Bella Twins ran this plot with Eva Marie, and didn’t that work out awesome? Yeah, no, it didn’t. Anyway, Nia wants to learn to do a top rope thing. According to Nia, no woman “of my size has ever done it before” – referring to top rope moves. Uh, Tamina does it all the time, pretty sure Chyna did it too. I dunno about Bertha Faye or that fat lady from GLOW; yeah, the Google didn’t help me. But as someone who sits in my living room and yells at the TV when the announcers say that a big man has done something supposedly new when everything has been done before, I doubt the veracity of Nia’s “no big girls do top rope things” statement.
Oh, Christ, Nattie and Nia further discuss this Ronda “hasn’t been brainwashed into not making shoot comments.” Moving on, Nattie, Carmella, and Charly Caruso discuss Nia being argumentative with people. Nattie apparently has a plan to make everyone get along since all of Nattie’s plans involve lying about something; not sure how this is gonna work. Moving on, Sonya finally says the word “lesbian.” Oh, and she’s going house-hunting in Tampa. Commercial!
Footage of Ronda on Raw is shown. Ooh ooh, brief Johnny Ace walking behind Nattie in a hallway cameo! Nattie talks to Ronda about cutting promos as a villain, by which I mean that weird crap where all the women in WWE can’t tell the difference between a shoot and a work and they have to hug at the end of every match… R-Truth and Carmella are going to record an entrance song for WrestleMania. Truth makes Carmella say her lines. You know one of them has done this before and the other one is Carmella. Oh, but we have the attention span of a gnat, so, Sonya is house huntung. Ariana and her hair extensions appear. Ariana’s mom, who is a realtor, makes a joke about kids. Sonya Deville, who apparently has the life experience of (insert any random inanimate object), takes the joke out of context and acts like an awkward weirdo about it. This is not entertaining or compelling. Okay, there’s another joke about grand kids. Oh no, remember, Sonya Deville was pretend-allergic to dresses two episodes ago. Yeah, that wasn’t interesting either.
Nia is at a gym working out with Nattie. She lifts some weights. Nia is having knee problems. Oh, hey, that was one minute of that; moving on to Ronda and Travis. Ronda hilariously explains that every female performer apparently needs “an individual explanation for each one of my actions” – which is a long form way of saying the lady wrestlers don’t seem to be smart to the business. If you’ve watched this show, yeah, they’re not. “They show up and they play a character. They have their name at work and their name at home. But I’m Ronda Rousey all the time,” Ronda explains in a cutaway shot. What Ronda actually means to say is: Well, I’m famous, and the rest of you are on a wrestling show, which is the truth. Travis thinks Ronda should invite the girls over. Yeah, that should be hilarious.
Back to Tampa, Sonya, Ariana, and Ariana’s mom are at a restaurant. Liv Morgan is going to join them. Liv can’t park. Liv is there to be a foil to the idea of moving to Tampa. Sonya lives in Fort Lauderdale; Ariana is from Tampa. Ariana wants to be accommodated and not do the accommodating. Remember, these two have already broken up once. Ariana is apparently a Momma’s girl, and moving away from Tampa would involve leaving Mommy. Yeah, these two are not ready for a grown up relationship. Commercial.
Carmella and R-Truth are going to a studio to record a song. Naomi happens to be there, for emotional support, since she knows how to sing. Carmella is not excited for Naomi; she looks pouty and jealous. Carmella is terrible. Oh, dear god. This is awful. She has no tone or pitch. Truth wants Naomi to try it. Carmella walks out of the studio like an insouciant teenager. Yes, she literally leaves. Carmella does not impress me. Later on Naomi and Carmella sit in a hotel room, and Naomi gives Carmella a pep talk. She calls Truth and tells him she’s doing the song and not Naomi. Okay. Whatever. Moving on, Nia and Nattie at the Performance Center for Nia to learn how to do a top rope move. Norman Smiley appears. Nattie tells her to leap off the top rope like a bird. Norman Smiley says “no” a lot. Nia compares doing a top rope move to being like Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant. Yes, that just happened. No, I did not hallucinate that. Nia finally does a top rope move that doesn’t suck.
Nia goes to the trainer and has him check on her knees. They ice her knee. Somewhere in Atlanta, Carmella meets Truth at a studio to record this song. With the help of Autotune she isn’t terrible at singing. She isn’t great either, but computer manipulation is fixing that. “I’m nailing it,” Carmella declares. Oh, dear god. Moving on, Sonya and Liv sit by a pool and discuss Sonya’s relationship and moving to Tampa. So, Sonya and Ariana have been dating for seven months… which doesn’t seem like long enough to change cities and buy a house. Sonya is conflicted about moving and moving too fast. Sonya admits to Ariana that she wants to hold off from moving. Ariana looks nonplussed. Yes, I see absolutely nothing in Ariana… other than hair extensions and fake eyelashes. Moving on, Nia and Nattie talk about this top rope thing for like a minute and reference that time she potatoed Becky Lynch. Commercial.
Nattie does and about-face from her position 1-3 episodes ago that Nia wasn’t sufficiently supportive when Nia suggested that Nattie didn’t need to be the first women’s tag champs in WWE. So, Nattie doesn’t think Nia needs to do a top rope move, because Nia has enough accomplishments. Ha ha. No segue, we’re in Pittsburgh, Pa. for Monday Night Raw. Nattie is having a match against Sasha, and Ronda sits backstage with Liv Morgan. Was Liv Morgan supposed to be a cast member on this show, since she’s in like every episode? Nia pinches Byron Saxton backstage. Nia is there to have someone in WWE look at the MRI she had done of her knee. She has a ruptured ACL. Footage of Nia flashes by in black and white. We now know why Nia’s knees hurt. She wants to know if she can do a match at WrestleMania.
Coming up: The women take a trip to somewhere with water (possibly Hawaii), the Bella Twins are shoe-horned into this, will Nia have surgery, did Ronda get hurt, oh, and the women’s main event WrestleMania — and by the women I mean one-third of those women is actually on this show.
CATCH UP… 10/22 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (Ep. 4): The one where Carmella is traumatized about people having opinions about her dating Graves, get heckled, and lusts about Corey’s privates, plus Goats, Eggs, Jock Straps