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TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 3)
APRIL 15, 2020
AIRED ON E!
The problem with reality TV is that these aren’t carefully crafted characters reciting lines in planned situations. These are real people with real thoughts, opinions, actions, and feelings. For entertainment purposes, some combinations of real people having real emotions probably isn’t really appropriate. Yes, I’ve had a week to not really think about why I detested last week’s show. It’s pretty much that this isn’t scripted and it also isn’t entertaining to watch. There’s a way to tell a story about a dirtbag father with some sort of addiction that really flaked out on a marriage… the thing is – in fiction – an acme anvil falls on that guy’s head and we don’t have to watch two not so bright women fall all over themselves to please someone who walked out on them. So, again, this is a bad story to tell on a TV show, and I’m not inclined to fall all over myself to make this bullshit seem presentable. Should you watch this show? No. Do something productive with your time.
We’re reminded about the thin plots of this show. Is Nikki moving too fast with Artem? Do I care? No. Are Mom and Dad divorced and did that divorce go well? No. Is Mom going to do all of the emotional heavy lifting? Of course. Dad has a new wife and new kids, ha ha ha. Am I happy for his dirtbag ass? No. The Bellas have more money than you and I, so, they’re going on a wellness spa trip. This is not relatable. There’s a strange thing with a fabric pod. Creepy Brother bails on it and goes to get a drink. Did that enrich your life? No. They have dinner with the Mom, and then announce that they want her to babysit the toddler so that they can go see their dad and his New Family. This doesn’t go over super well with the Mom, but she’s diplomatic about it. They bought gifts for their dad’s new family. They return to their former elementary school, and go across the street to visit the lady who used to babysit them. On IG, YouTube, and WWE.com – the Bella Twins have visited this elementary school before. I dunno why they’re showing this, unless there’s no plot and they’re padding this episode. They reminisce about leaving Brawley and moving back. This is not particularly interesting.
They visit Nana. Apparently in 2020 a couple isn’t allowed to sleep in a bed together if staying overnight at her house if they’re not married or engaged. F*** that outmoded thinking. Nana just lost of shit ton of credibility. No, adults that treat other adults like children aren’t charming. They discuss planning to meet their dad. This isn’t interesting. There’s random footage of a cactus. So, the twins and Artem abandon the toddler and the Mom at Nana’s. Random footage or mountains and flags. Dad’s New Wife is wearing blue hot pants. There are weird comments about the New Wife looking like the twins. Yup, that’s gross. They speak Spanish. No habla Espanol. None of this conversation is interesting. No, I don’t have to be happy for New Family, just because they’re real people. Watching this episode takes real time out of my life and none of this is winning me over. Dad declares he’s “a changed man.” As in he refuses to talk about the past. Yeah, what that is is a lack of accountability. So, after he makes this big statement about how we don’t talk about it – they’re going to have to tell him about how they’re writing a book about it. That doesn’t work so well with dirtbags, so, I don’t expect this to go well.
“We all have a past, but we’re living for today and the future…” Yeah, Dad doesn’t want to be accountable for anything he did with his first family. Not a surprise. The Mom that left a marriage with a scorched earth divorce doesn’t become the living embodiment of a tension headache every time her former husband is brought up for no reason. This is why certain aspects of people’s personal lives aren’t really suitable for entertainment programming. This isn’t fun stuff to watch two dumb grown women not have the negotiating skills to be honest with someone who’s incapable of being honest back to them. They visit a candy store and shoot “sexy” footage, which seems dumb. Why? Because then Dad appears with the children of the New Family. Yup, it’s inappropriate to bring up what a pissant dirtbag their father was in front of his New Family. That’s a classic con man move. Anyhoo, Nikki is going to visit New Daughter’s school tomorrow to confirm that New Daughter is their half sister to her peers.
The twins call Mom to tell her that only Brie is coming back so that Nikki can visit the school to comfort New Daughter (although they leave that detail out). Mom is not overjoyed. There’s meaningless stuff about taking selfies. Nikki feels guilty about not doting on the children of the New Family. That’s a classic dirtbag guilt trip. Nikki visits New Daughter. Yeah, supposedly this is a surprise… (Uh, it’s being filmed.) The kid, of course, is innocent, but that doesn’t make this moment enjoyable. The twins, Artem, Birdie, and the Mom wander through a field. Her idiot daughters start blathering on about what a fun time it was to visit Dad and New Family. Mom is like: enough of this shit. I agree with Mom. (As I’ve mentioned, my parents are divorced. My mom is still bitter about it. My father is seldom mentioned in her company unless he’s helpfully appeared to fix something for her. Yes, I am the grown adult daughter who’s had to negotiate “no, you can’t kill him, he has tools – he’s going to fix it – do you have money for a repair man, what, no, so, shut up about it and I’ll be there when he performs this home repair for free or whatever dinner I buy.” My father is neither an addict, a philanderer, or anything other than a law abiding citizen. My mother is still going to be bitter about the divorce until she dies. I understand. I don’t gush about either one to the other. I know better.) So, anyway, the Mom doesn’t wanna hear about Dad, and Brie is the idiot who accuses her of being angry about it. This would be an appropriate Reality TV show moment for the Mom to slap Brie. That does not happen. I know.
Holy shit. Brie is so stupid that she doesn’t understand that you can’t gush about your dirtbag Dad’s New Family in front of Original Mom. Brie is stupid. Brie is just stupid. There’s a life lesson in here about how other people don’t have to be happy for you just because you had a good time, otherwise known as the definition of empathy. Wow, Nikki is f***ing stupid here, too. I can’t believe how stupid these two are right now. “It’s really amazing to see Dad in a really positive place,” says the dumb twin as the Mom stands there with her arms folded across her chest and a well-deserved expression of sarcasm on her face. I feel you Cathy, I can’t believe two of your kids are this god damned stupid. “What I always hear is ‘you were this bitch that didn’t want us to be around dad,'” says the Mom. Yup. That’s exactly what I’m watching. The Mom basically has to shut down her stupid kids, who can’t stop gushing about their Dad and his New Family. Brie has the stupidest thought: that her mom needs to totally let go of all her feelings about their dad.
Anyhoo, for whatever reason the Mom decides that Brie, Nikki, her and Creepy Brother need to have dinner to discuss their feelings. Brie apparently needed a couple days to figure out how to compliment her mom. Ha ha. I’m amused, this turned into a session for the children to pepper Mom with compliments. Then Nikki ruins it by asking, “Why didn’t my mom do this differently?” Yup, these women are not smart. Commercial.
Nikki somehow makes this moment about herself. Yeah, one of these kids didn’t get the point. So, it’s mom’s fault that she didn’t leave sooner. Yeah, these twins are not eloquent. Mom has written a letter. Oh, Christ, this is about to get weird. Yes, the mom is apologizing for the past. Remember what dad wanted to do? Not talk about it. Think about that for a moment. One of these is a responsible parent, the other one has a New Family.
Next week: Bryan returns… to a home and car burglary. Nikki doesn’t spend enough time doting on Creepy Brother.