SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
LAX and OVE: Sorry to repeat myself for months on end, but LAX is doing the best work in this company by a mile. Everything else is flat, boring, and almost entirely uninteresting, yet every week LAX delivers. They’ve also made OVE a cool act (with the help of Sami Callihan) and together the teams have given Impact its best feud since Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards.
That ATT Guy that Always Gets Hurt Gets Hurt Again: The neck brace guy got knocked off the ring apron and I had a good chuckle. It’s unfortunate they didn’t wait longer to do the spot, as that was the most fun part of the match. And for those keeping score at home, yes, these are the exact same hits I gave last week. Nothing else for me on the show moved into the territory of “good.” Ah heck, I’ll come up with another one. Hold on…
Dezmond Xavier: In the Don Callis era, these random six-man X-Division matches need to end. Nobody looks all that good coming out of them; it’s just a bunch of random spots with no storyline support. However, if someone did shine on Thursday, it would be Xavier, who busted out a few crazy athletic moves with ease. It’s too bad the commentary team wasn’t all that impressed.
Turd Cutters: The lamest wrestling insult of 2017 for me was Mickie James’ repeated “biscuit butt” attack on Alexa Bliss. I don’t know what a biscuit butt is. Is that even a bad thing? Anyway, Johnny Impact set a really high bar for lameness by calling Eli Drake and Alberto El Patron “turd cutters.” I simply can’t imagine a fully grown adult, who is an entertainer, coming up with that line in his free time and thinking it’s so clever he has to use it on air. Turn this man heel now!
Bad Advertising: Impact’s own website promoted a tease of someone challenging EC III for his Grand Championship. That didn’t happen on TV. Instead, we got a regular match with Carter vs. Petey Williams and then babyface Matt Sydal interfered. Also, they couldn’t find any spot on the show to work in Fallah Bahh? He had the best crowd reaction of his career in Impact so far on the previous week’s show and this week he was nowhere to be seen.
Garza’s Pants: This has made the misses multiple times now, but this was the worst example yet of how stupid this spot is. The one-armed Garza got Caleb Konley and Trevor Lee to stop in the middle of the ring while he ripped off his pants. The shock on their face led us to believe they saw something genuinely… shocking, not something Garaza does in every week. It would be far more shocking if his pants stayed on for an entire match. They were then so stunned it took them seconds to recover, where they then turned around into a double dropkick. It’s about as dumb as it gets.
Spinelli vs. Van Ness: This was a lousy match that was nowhere near what the top talent in WWE’s women’s divisions can offer. KC Spinelli went for a pin after a suplex type move, even though Van Ness wasn’t even close to having her shoulders on the match, but she kept on trying for a few seconds. Everything else was various levels of clunky too, and then babyface Allie also went for a cheap attack on a heel. I guess you could say she’s getting even, but I’d still rather have the hero just stand up to the villain and tell them to meet them face-to-face.
Chandler Park: It’s time to end this angle and reveal that Park and Park aren’t actually cousins. Ethan Page is Canadian, so my working theory at the moment is that he is basing the Chandler act off the Harold character from the Red Green show (it used to air on PBS stateside). Their mannerisms and look are just too similar to be a coincidence. Even if it’s not, whatever he’s doing doesn’t make for entertaining TV. It’s far too cartoonish and obnoxious at the moment to have any staying power.
Jimmy Jacobs: It doesn’t seem this long, but Jimmy Jacobs has been in Impact for over two months now. To this point, they haven’t done a single interesting thing with him. He showed up briefly on commentary a couple times and now he’s randomly affiliated with Kongo Kong. Can’t this guy still wrestle? Can’t he write a script and make this show better? Whatever buzz he generated from joining the promotion is long, long gone.
Obligatory Awful Announcing Miss: Desmond Xavier ended the six-man tag by busting out an incredible looking Spinning Corkscrew Senton. All Jeremy Borash had to say was “spinning corkscrew senton” with the enthusiasm of finding out his driver’s license was about to expire so he’d have to go to the DMV that day. Not showing any excitement badly hurts the innovative and dangerous moves performed by the wrestlers. If J.B. can’t find it in himself to care about what’s going on in front of him, then he should step aside so someone else can do the job. Keep him on as a director of backstage segments, just don’t let him be the voice of the company anymore.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S COLUMN: IMPACT HITS & MISSES 1/4: OVW vs. LAX, X Division Title change, Grand Championship, James Storm swan song, Chandler Parks debut