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BEING THE ELITE (EP. 216) – “Malfunction”
POSTED ON YOUTUBE.COM
AUGUST 10, 2020
REPORT BY ZACH GRAHAM, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Watch it HERE.
– The camera zoomed out on a map of the world. Nick Jackson asked his brother, Matt, if he knows what he’s looking at. Matt said yeah, it’s all the places they’ll never be able to go to again because of the pandemic. Nick agreed. Nick said it’s 1:30 PM on the west coast on Thursday and asked Matt if he knows what that means. Matt said yeah, it’s time for their tandem bike ride. Nick said no, it’s ratings report time. Matt asked how they did and Nick confidently said they did “901k.” Matt was excited and said that’s the best number they’ve done since the pandemic, but Nick said that’s not enough. Nick said they didn’t win the key demo, Matt seemed confused and clarified that they didn’t win the 18-34? Nick said that’s no longer the key demo and Matt knows what the key demo is now. Matt sighed as Nick reminded him that he knows what the network wants and it’s the key demo they just don’t know what to do with. Matt said he’s creatively bankrupt trying to get the 50+, he’s tried gardening, pastels, and chain wrestling like he’s Lou Thesz and they just don’t care. Matt said he’s just done. Nick said they should bring back storylines from 30 years ago, maybe that will help, Matt sighed in defeat and said they already tried that. He told Nick to tell the network he has Christopher Daniels working on it and he’s “old AF.” Nick said the network wants them to double down and told Matt he needs some inspiration, which is why Nick brought him to his second property. Nick said this is going to help him get the old people. Matt started walking away and Nick flipped him off and called him a stupid ass.
Nick walked Matt outside to the ring set up outside the house. The two jobbers from the BTE wrestling matches leading up to BTE 200 were in the ring and Nick said he brought them back as inspiration. Steve jumped over the top rope, the camera cut, and he landed on his feet in front of Matt. He threw Matt into the ring to his partner and they clotheslined Matt and hit a moonsault. Nick got in the ring as he told them to finish Matt. He grabbed a padded mat and told them they need to be safe as he slid it under his brother. Nick scurried away and snuck in a “I saw NXT do this” and he stepped back. The two jobbers hit Matt with a neckbreaker/moonsault combination. Matt kicked out at two and Nick asked if he was inspired enough yet. Matt didn’t respond, so Nick told them to throw him out of the ring “like it’s the Royal effing Rumble.” Matt held on to the bottom rope and was upside down, the camera got in close as Nick asked if he was inspired. Matt suddenly had an idea as he asked Nick if he was going to make him hang there.
The camera cut to Matt in his house. He was holding a hammer, some nails. Matt said you’ll need these items as well as a marker, some painters tape, and something to hang. Matt put some tape on the back of his sign and marked the tape where the hooks are to use as reference. He peeled off the tape and put it on the wall, he then used the level to make sure it was level. He voiced this over as he tapped the nails into the tape and peeled it off. He then hung the sign and gave the camera a thumbs up to the camera.
– Being the Elite open aired.
– Matt, Nick, and Brandon Cutler were loading up their vehicle. Nick closed the trunk and they said they were ready to go. Cutler stopped them and said he needs to get something off his chest first. Cutler told them he thinks he witnessed a murder last week. Matt and Nick laughed him off. Cutler said he thinks he watched Best Friends and Orange Cassidy kill Colt Cabana. Matt and Nick still didn’t believe him. Matt asked him if he saw it with his own eyes, Cutler clarified that he didn’t see it, but he thinks he heard it. They asked what he heard, Cutler said he guesses he doesn’t know if they killed him. Matt accused him of doing a DnD bit, but Cutler said that’s not it. Matt said that he was probably just sleep deprived like they were last week due to their travel problems and Cutler said that must have been it. Cutler stopped and asked them why they got a bill for their EVP office that included the cleanup of “blood, explosive diarrhea, cake, and semen.” Nick said it was his birthday. They explained that the blood was from Matt’s bleeding incidents, the diarrhea was from Kenny and his stomach problems, and the semen is from Michael Nakazawa dressing in that room too. Cutler accepted all of those answers and they got in the van.
– A slow motion replay of Sammy throwing the chair and hitting Matt Hardy in the head on Dynamite was shown from multiple angles. Matt Hardy was shown backstage getting his cut treated and he yelled for Sammy Guevara in anger.
Matt and Nick Jackson were in their EVP room and Matt Hardy walked in sporting a bandage on his head. Matt Jackson said that was the most reckless chair shot he’s ever seen and Nick offered to fire Guevara right now if Hardy wanted. Hardy said he’s okay as they offered him a seat. Hardy said he’s fine and “stronger than death” is more than a motto. Hardy changed his voice to his “Big Money Matt” voice and said Guevara isn’t even smart enough to hurt him or even live to be as old, rich, or famous as him and that’s a fact. Hardy twitched and started talking as Matt Hardy V1 and said Matt Hardy has been busted open hard way 57 times. He switched again to the Broken Matt voice and yelled wait to explain what “busted open” means. Hardy starting rambling incoherently as Broken Matt Hardy then twitched again and said nothing is wrong with him at all in his normal voice again and left. Matt and Nick Jackson just looked at each other confused.
– Marko Stunt walked through a doorway and saw a piece of candy on the ground. He followed a trail of candies into Dark Order’s office, where John Silver and Alex Reynolds approached him. Silver, in some weird voice, asked him if he liked the candy and offered him the whole pack of Skittles. Marko took them and Alex Reynolds said that’s what Dark Order can do for him. Reynolds offered him some Kool-Aid to wash it all down and handed him the bottle. Marko looked like he was going to take a drink when Luchasaurus walked in before he could. Luchasaurus scolded Marko about taking candy from strangers and Silver and Reynolds argued that they’re not strangers. Luchasaurus and Marko walked off. Reynolds asked Silver what he was doing with that fake German accent and Silver was confused, not realizing he was doing an accent.
– Angelico popped up on screen and asked if everyone remembers them because they remember each and every one of you. He said from the moment they got to this company, everyone has been blinded to their brilliance, ignorant of their genius, and unaware of their true value and potential. He said that’s all about to change now that they’re back. Jack Evans was lounging in a chair eating some take out. He said hi to “the AEW miscreants” and said he has some good news. After suffering a lifetime of misery, neglect, disappointment, maladjustment, mistreatment, and misfortunate, if not outright hideous, arrangement of facial features, laziness, and uselessness, you all get your first taste of a positive emotion courtesy of the Gods of wrestling “hashtag TH2.” Evans said don’t get used to any kind of good news being a consistent or continuous thing because positivity isn’t supposed to come to low level players of life like the AEW fan base. Evans said very soon Angelico, alongside himself, shall be returning and to say it’s the greatest return in the history of humanity isn’t just an understatement, it’s a prophecy. He said the best part of their comeback will be taking the tag team titles and shoving them in the face of all the “basement dwelling embarrassments” that even among the elite, TH2 is world-class. Evans said you’re welcome and for everyone to leave because he’s eating empanadas. Angelico said the TH2 comeback tour has started.
– Alex Abrahantes walked onto screen and introduced the Speaking Spanglish word of the week. He said in this edition you’ll learn about a Spanish past time and he’s not talking about baseball or soccer, he’s talking about “chisme.” He introduced Santana and Ortiz to explain. Santana and Ortiz walked onto screen and Santana spoke in Spanish. Ortiz translated and said “speaking of chisme…” then stopped and said Santana reminded him of something and whispered in his ear. Santana freaked out and yelled as Ortiz tried to get him to keep it quiet. Santana was then shown walking out of a room and walking by someone getting their makeup done. Santana turned around and said hi to Stella, the makeup artist. Santana whispered in her ear and told her not to tell anyone. Stella was shown whispering to Jungle Boy, Jungle Boy was shown whispering to Britt Baker who shared it with Sammy Guevara. Guevara shared it with Justin Roberts who then shared it with Alex Marvez. Alex Abrahantes walked back onto screen, Santana and Ortiz joined him to close the segment, but they were interrupted by someone off camera. Marko walked into view and started yelling at them, but it was all bleeped out so you couldn’t tell what he was saying. They all looked shocked as Marko said “it’s not very big and that’s fine, I just didn’t want anybody to know” and stormed off. Santana, Ortiz, and Abrahantes looked at each other in shock. They all walked off awkwardly.
– John Silver, Alex Reynolds, Evil Uno, and Stu Grayson were together as Silver was mocking Stu Grayson. Silver called Grayson a bald headed piece of shit. Grayson was annoyed because Silver is also bald and bearded. Brodie Lee walked in and celebrated their win, but stopped. He swapped Evil Uno and Alex Reynolds so Uno and Grayson were standing next to each other. He turned his back to Reynolds and Silver and told Grayson and Uno they did a great job and high fived them. Silver put his hand up for a high five and Lee let out a frustrated sigh as he put his hand down. Silver just remembered they lost. Lee got in Silver’s face, called him a piece of shit, and yelled out the name Matt Cardona over and over at him. Silver said Cardona pinned Reynolds, Lee popped up surprised and looked at Reynolds. Lee asked Reynolds where Silver was when he got pinned. Reynolds said he’s just a kid and Silver again argued that he’s 29. Lee told them to shut up and asked Uno to do him a favor.
Uno moaned nervously as Lee asked him to “take care of these two pieces of shit.” Lee handed Uno his roll of papers and told him great job tonight and walked off. Uno got in Silver’s face, he asked Reynold’s to take a step back because he actually likes him. He grabbed Silver by the beard and said he would kiss him if he were a girl, but this is not the place. He waved the papers around in his hand and said he feels powerful. Silver argued he didn’t get pinned, but Uno didn’t care. Uno threw the papers and Silver and yelled in excitement about how powerful he felt. Lee walked back onto screen, Silver said Uno throws like a bitch. Lee demanded Uno pick up the papers, so Uno did. Silver said he isn’t going to sell for him. Lee told Uno good job again and wrapped his arm around Stu Grayson and left the other three behind. Uno seemed confused why he didn’t get included with Grayson and Lee and chased after them.
– Christopher Daniels said hello and introduced himself standing outside his house in a nice shirt and jacket. Daniels said the world today is in crisis. He said with the lack of psychology (a clip of the Young Bucks diving off the tunnels onto Butcher and Blade laying across tables flashed), the reliance on high spots (a clip of Nick Jackson jumping off the top rope with Pentagon Jr flashed), and an overabundance of quick Canadians (a clip of Pentagon Jr. hitting a Canadian Destroyer onto one of the Young Bucks over the top rope and out to the floor onto a pile of wrestlers flashed), Daniels said he’s become concerned and has started investing in copper. Daniels said he gets his copper from BrizzBrazz Capital. Daniels held up a penny and said you can get 100 of these special copper coins for just $1 and, once you have them, you can put them in your pocket or in a bank shaped like a baby pig. A fake phone number popped up for people to call and order today. Daniels was sitting at a table counting his pennies and discarded a dime he found in his stack of pennies.
– Matt and Nick Jackson, Hangman Page, Kenny Omega, and Brandon Cutler were sitting in the EVP room. Nick said they lost and sounded discouraged. He said he thought when they created AEW they would just put themselves over and be top guys. Matt said they’re only .500. Nick said at least Omega and Page have the titles. Page said he’s trying to check on Dax’s knee injury and Matt asked how he’s doing. Page said he isn’t sure yet. Nick asked Kenny how he’s doing and he hesitated for a second and said no, he’s not okay. Omega said he’s a little embarrassed because he has this great win/loss record and they just lost “to a damn comedy act.” Matt said it was 6 on 4 at the end and 6 on 3 for a while there. Omega said he understands, but they’re talking about guys who are on every single episode of BTE who hit each other with ruffled up papers. He agreed that it’s funny, but it makes him sick that they beat them.
Omega said they’re trying their best to build up the division as something legitimate, but now they lose in a 12-man tag to “a bunch of nobodies in masks.” Hangman snuck in an apology for losing as Matt said he’s going to call a spade a spade here. He told Kenny he’s the king of comedy, he’s wrestled an 8 year old girl and his own sex blow up doll before. Omega said that doll wasn’t his so Matt corrected and said it was Nakazawa’s. Nick jumped in and said they were expecting to get the New Japan “Cleaner” Kenny Omega, but they got the DDT version. Matt said that’s great and Omega and Colt Cabana doing the Tom and Jerry bit has been hysterical. Omega said he wasn’t joking around with Cabana on that one.
Nick and Matt said they were worried about the Cleaner version coming back because that guy was a nightmare and having these 75 minute matches. Hangman jumped in and said he’s glad he’s not teaming with that guy because he doesn’t want to do 75 minute tag matches. Omega jumped in and stopped them and said he gets it. He asked them to just shut up about it then. Cutler turned the TV on and looked concerned. Dark Order was shown sitting around a table as John Silver tried getting them to sing the Chili’s theme song with him. Reynolds and Uno joined in, but Stu Grayson was completely disinterested. Brodie Lee walked up and they all looked concerned. Lee made them all sit down, he slowly turned around and yelled “and f—ing barbecue sauce!”
A voiceover by Brodie Lee then announced that Chili’s has joined the Dark Order and they’ve been paid millions and millions meaning they never have to work another day in their lives. The camera cut back to The Elite guys very upset. They all yelled at Matt for ruining their chance because that should’ve been them. They all agreed that this is way, way worse than doing the job tonight. Omega yelled at Matt saying he has to go back to his family and his cat now because they didn’t do the Chili’s commercial like they should have. Hangman pulled out his phone and said he’s putting it in his calendar, this is the worst day of his life. Nick then said he’s going on a Merch Freak singles run as he flipped off Matt. They all flipped Matt and the camera cut as Nick started laughing.
FINAL THOUGHTS: That was the best Jack Evans promo I’ve seen from these TH2 skits and I still think it was awful. He may actually speak like that, but I wouldn’t know since I don’t remember hearing him cut a promo ever on Dynamite or Dark. It comes across so rehearsed and scripted that it’s just nonsense. He adds fourteen adjectives to anything he’s describing and they all primarily begin with the same letter. If this is how he really talks, I guess I know why he hasn’t done any promo work in AEW. If this isn’t how he actually talks, why in the world is he talking like that for these skits? I almost don’t process what his point is because his promo seems more like someone trying to meet a minimum word count for a high school English paper than someone trying to get a message across. I really hope this changes because he’s tremendously talented in the ring, but the promos are horrible at best in my opinion.
BTE is all in on Dark Order as a comedy act. I typically find their segments to be the funniest on the show, so I’m okay with it. It still doesn’t match the Dynamite characters, but there’s no point in continuing to harp on that. Brodie Lee being all in on the Chili’s song was unexpected and I genuinely laughed out loud. I assumed it was leading to John Silver getting attacked again, since that’s usually what happens.
This show is a good one, but no follow up to Best Friends committing a murder. Cutler mentioned it, but we didn’t see Colt Cabana or Best Friends on the episode so that’s something to look forward to, hopefully next week!