SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
The following report originally published 20 years ago this week here at PWTorch.com.
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW REPORT
MAY 16, 2005
LIVE FROM OMAHA, NEB.
REPORT BY WADE KELLER, EDITOR
-Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced the show and hyped the end of the Gold Rush Tournament – Kane vs. Edge.
1 — SHELTON BENJAMIN & CHRIS JERICHO vs. KHOSROW DAIVARI & MUHAMMAD HASSAN
“How great would it be if we could get these Arab-Americans shut up once and for all!” said Lawler, making it sound as if the fact that they’re Arab-American that’s the problem. Ross talked about the irony of the Benjamin-Jericho duo since they have battled over the IC Title recently. Lawler told the worst joke in his history, saying that Jericho and Benjamin are both rock and rollers because Jericho has Fozzy and if you went to Benjamin’s neighborhood when he was growing up, he would have hit you with a rock and rolled you. Absolutely should not have made it through Lawler’s self-censoring detector. After an early flurry by Benjamin and Jericho, including a Stinger Splash, Hassan took over on Benjamin. Benjamin hot-tagged Jericho at 4:45. Jericho hit a crossbody block on Hassan. Daivari broke up the pin attempt. Benjamin flew over the top rope when diving at Daivari. Jericho went for the Walls, but had to fend off Daivari. Hassan then out of nowhere gave Jericho his face-smasher finisher for the win.
WINNER: Daivari & Hassan when Hassan beat Jericho at 6:04.
STAR RATING: *
-The ECW PPV commercial spot aired.
[Commercial Break]
-Chris Benoit told Tajiri that Paul Heyman called him and invited him to take part in the ECW One Night Stand PPV. Tajiri said he called him, too. Benoit said he wanted to have an ECW rules match later. That promo was written by someone who hadn’t seen all of the great mat classics with Dean Malenko, Chris Benoit, and Eddie Guerrero, or the lucha matches with Rey Mysterio, Psicosis, and Juventud Guerrera, or the marathon title defenses with Shane Douglas and Terry Funk. Only people who didn’t watch ECW regularly stereotype it as being all hardcore. ECW was a lot more about attitude, diversity, and passion than garbage brawling (which was a part of it, but not everything). Anyway, William Regal walked up to Tajiri and didn’t like him doing an ECW rule match because that was too violent. Tajiri talked Regal into supporting his decision, though.
-A clip aired of Triple H walking out on Raw last week.
-A frantic, breathless Coach barged into Eric Bischoff’s office and tried to tell him of the plans for Batista and Tajiri. Bischoff told him it could wait, then turned and told Ric Flair that he is not going to call Triple H to invite him back to Raw. Flair wasn’t happy. Bischoff told Flair to “handle it.” Flair walked off and yelled at Dave Batista across the hall. Batista got a great crowd pop. Flair walked up to Batista and told him that everything wrong in his life right now is because of him. Batista said it has nothing to do with him. He said Triple H’s problems are Triple H’s fault. Batista said he doesn’t owe Triple H or Evolution anything, he owes only Flair because he’s who he started with. Flair seemed a tad bit flattered. Batista asked him to hang out with him. He then said he had a tribute to Flair. He let a pathetic “whoos.” Flair laughed and then gave a real “whoo!” Batista told him he’s the man. There was no clue in his facial expressions that he was being anything but sincere.
[Commercial Break]
2 — RIC FLAIR vs. CHRISTIAN (w/Tyson Tomko)
They began by slapping each other. Flair went for an early pin attempt with his feet on the middle rope. Tomko messed with Flair from ringside, and Ross called it “physical molestation,” which brings about Michael Jackson thoughts, not wrestling interference thoughts. Flair fired back with some hard chops. Christian took a face-first flop. Flair followed with a kneedrop and a “whoo.” He then went for the figure four, but did it so close to the ropes that Tomko was able to punch him while he was spinning himself into position.
Christian then rolled up Flair held the top rope. The ref saw the rope grab and scolded Christian. Flair then rolled through with a handful of tights and scored the three count. Ross said Flair just schooled Christian in the art of winning by any means necessary. Tomko and Christian double-teamed Flair afterward. The crowd chanted “Batista, Batista,” exactly as WWE hoped. Sure enough, Batista’s music played and he walked out. Tomko met Batista as he entered the ring, and Christian bailed out, then returned only to be clotheslined. Batista then gave Tomko a spinebuster and Christian a BatistaBomb. Flair, with a trickle of blood on his forehead, looked at Batista as if analyzing his intentions. Batista walked off, then turned to look at Flair half way up the ramp. Ross said Batista respects Flair and showed it. “Wow, what the hell else is gonna happen tonight on Raw?” asked Ross.
WINNER: Flair at 3:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4* — Perfect for what it needed to be.
-Christy Hemme wished Lita good luck. Edge walked up and told Christy to get out. The crowd briefly chanted “You screwed Matt.” He told Lita to tell Kane that he was going to win the match later and what he’d do to him would be much worse than what he did to Michaels. They didn’t seem to exchange any romantic sparks as he spit in Lita’s face as he talked.
[Commercial Break]
-A battered Christian asked Tomko what Batista was doing out there. Maria walked and asked him, “After what happened out there with Batista, are you hurt?” Christian responded disdainfully, “What, did you get your journalism degree from a box of Cocoa Puffs? Get out of here!” He said it’s not over between and Flair.
-Chris Masters walked to the ring with cash tucked into his wrestling trunks. He said the Master Lock Challenge is back tonight and if someone can break his hold, he brought the money which now tallies $6,000. He added a one way plane ticket to anywhere in the U.S. because “face it, anywhere is better than Omaha, Nebraska.” That was kind of funny. Batista found a guy with a Batista t-shirt that said “The Animal” on it. He high-fived fans on his way into the ring. Same story from there with a quick bell ring. Ross said he couldn’t figure out why anyone still volunteers for the challenge. He guessed that the guy’s shoulder was dislocated. Steven Richards jumped Masters from behind with a frenzied attack. Masters eventually fought back. Ross reminded viewers that Masters broke bones in Richards’s face and Richards was looking for revenge. Batista bailed out and shouted, “On my time.”
-They showed Edge warming up backstage for his match. A hand grabbed Edge and began choking him. He told Edge if he ever talks to his wife again, “I will end you. You can bank on that.” He released Edge, who coughed and gasped for breath.
[Commercial Break]
3 — CHRIS BENOIT vs. TAJIRI
After some rapid-fire exchanges in the ring, during which Lawler said he can’t believe anyone likes this style of wrestling, Benoit laid a KO’d Tajiri on a table at ringside. He climbed a ladder in the ring and was going to dive off onto Tajiri on the table. Coach interrupted and told Benoit to step down from the ladder because Bischoff had something to say to him. Bischoff walked out and told Coach he wished he would have listened to him earlier. He said he didn’t agree to the stipulations of the match. He officially ended the match and told Benoit to get off of the ladder.
WINNER: No contest.
-Bischoff said he never sanctioned an ECW match. “ECW is pure garbage,” he said. The crowd booed. Benoit shook his head. The crowd chanted “asshole, asshole.” Bischoff said, “As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I’m banning ECW from Raw. It will not be sanctioned in the building, it will not be discussed in the locker room, and if I see one ECW sign in the building, I will have it confiscated. To make my point, I’m going to ban anyone on the Raw roster from participating on ECW’s One Night Stand. I am going to ban the letters ECW from Raw. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have ECW One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteer group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.”
Bischoff then let loose with his signature smarmy, sleazy smile. When Ross was about to say ECW, Lawler cut him off and said he can’t say those letters. Good segment. As over-the-top obvious as they were being about trying to manipulate the fans into getting behind ECW – which may be necessary since it’s been years since ECW was at it’s peak and many fans may not know much about it – it was probably effective. Bischoff got more heat with “asshole” chants than ECW got cheered. They were probably hoping for more intense ECW chants during that segment. Omaha, though, was never nicknamed “ECW Country.”
-They plugged that the lingerie pillow fight was next.
[Commercial Break]
4 — CHRISTY HEMME vs. CANDICE MICHELLE
Christy gives Melina a run for her money for best entrance through the ropes into the ring. Ross gave Lawler a hard time about being able to keep up with Christy at his age. They had a bed set up inside the ring. Both women disrobed revealing their lingerie. They bashed each other with pillows which quickly burst open and feathers flew everywhere. Lawler said he was in heaven. Christy jumped onto the bed. Candice tipped the bed over and knocked Christy to ringside. Christy sunset flipped Candice for the win. They smiled hugged, and then made out and had sex. Okay, they didn’t really make out, but they might as well have since all the guys and some women in the crowd were imagining it.
WINNER: Christy Hemme.
STAR RATING: n/a
-Viscera, now dubbed the World’s Largest Love Machine, walked out. He wore a suit and tie, looking as dapper as Batista. Viscera said they were really turning him on. They ran away. Viscera then said there is one thing in particular that has him turned on tonight. He then turned to Lilian Garcia and said, “I see three things right now. I see me. I see you. And I see a nice, plush bed.” Lilian looked like she was in the finals of the blender stage of Fear Factor. Ross said if she gets into the bed, she may need the ICU. Viscera said the one thing missing was food. Great, just when the image of Lilian and Viscera having sex couldn’t get any more disturbing, food is added. He picked out a woman in the crowd and kissed her. She kissed back and smiled. He then ate some of her cotton candy, but then ripped it away the bag and brought it to Lilian. Lilian actually voluntarily got in the ring.
Viscera dusted off some of the feathers from the bed. Viscera asked if it was okay if he made himself more comfortable. He then laid in bed and asked her to join him. Oh great, he’s an exhibitionist, too. Viscera asked Lilian to get in bed with him. She nervously sat on the edge of the bed. Viscera then grabbed a wad of pink cotton candy and licked it like he was… well, it was really pink. He then had Lilian eat some candy. Viscera said just like the candy, he’d melt in her mouth. Viscera asked for the lights to be turned down.
Viscera asked her if that got her in the mood. The music then kicked in. He began signing along, saying her love is all he needs. “My Lilian, I get enough of your loving! Oh my Lilian, I can’t get enough of your loving, baby!” He then pulled something out for her – a room key for the Hilton. He invited her to room number 69. Lilian fell off the bed. “I’ll be waiting, Lilian, I’ll be waiting,” he said. Whether or not that was the best or worst segment ever on Raw, it was memorable and should end up on Best of Raw compilations. WWE should put out a “Raw Yearbook” DVD and “Smackdown Yearbook” DVD each year that features three hours or so of the best matches, angles, and interviews of each year. They’d be a nice collector’s item and allow a lot of people to get rid of their massive tape collections with a mish-mash of the good and bad.
-Lita asked Kane if he needs her out there. Kane said not to worry, Edge won’t be bothering her anymore. He said he wanted her to see him destroy Edge first-hand. Lita said she wants to see him beat Edge and Batista next and become the World Hvt. Champion. Then they made out. I’m not sure which was more disturbing – Lita making out with Kane or the images conjured up by Viscera laying in the bed in the middle of the ring.
[Commercial Break]
-A video recap of the Gold Rush Tournament aired.
-Benjamin asked Jericho why he walked away in a haze after losing the match. Jericho said losing doesn’t bother him much anymore because not only has he been to the top as Undisputed Champion, but he’s got so many other things going on, including his XM Satellite show, his VH1 appearances on Best Ever, and the Fozzy sellouts in the UK (that’s like France liking Jerry Lewis). He offered Benjamin tickets to their next concert and a CD. Jericho came across arrogant and heelish in that segment (and that was intended). Benjamin looked at Jericho like he was nuts.
[Commercial Break]
5 — HURRICANE & ROSEY (w/Stacy) vs. SIMON DEAN & MAVEN
Stacy wore a sexy super-hero outfit with eye mask to ringside. Ross said he couldn’t imagine Dean & Maven as tag champs. Dean wrapped Hurricane’s arm behind his back before applying a chinlock, a nice variation of the typical chinlock. After both men tagged out, Rosey and Simon double-teamed Maven for the easy win a minute later.
WINNERS: Rosey & Hurricane at 3:24.
STAR RATING: 1/2*
-Smackdown Rebound aired, focusing on the Eddie Guerrero-Rey Mysterio segments.
[Commercial Break]
-Randy Orton walked out to an ovation from the crowd. He got cheered, but turned them against him by saying he is sick and tired of being asked whether he’s going to be drafted from Raw to Smackdown. When there was a “Randy” chant, he told them to shut up. He said he cannot be drafted because he is injured, and he is injured because of Undertaker and Batista. He said Undertaker will pull some strings to stay on Smackdown, which he said is the smart thing to do. He told Batista to stay champion because when is 100 percent, he is gunning for Batista. He vowed to become the new World Heavyweight Champion and write his own ticket to the Hall of Fame “right here on Raw.” Vince McMahon’s music then interrupted. He walked to the ring as only he can.
McMahon said, “What the hell has happened to you? Your clothes are hanging off of you, you’re neck looks like a stack of dimes. What, are you on a special anorexic diet?” Orton said he can’t train because of his shoulder surgery. McMahon then made fun of Orton’s buzzcut. He said nobody is exempt from the draft lottery. He said the WWE Champion or World Champion can end up switching brands, and yes even someone on injured reserve. That was a sneaky way to energize speculation that Batista and Cena will be switching brands.
Orton told McMahon to be careful and be more polite when talking to him because he will make him more money in the long run than either Batista or Cena. He then demanded to know the date of the draft. Orton told McMahon that no matter what brand he ends up on, he will be in one of his rings. McMahon said the draft will begin in three weeks in St. Louis, his hometown. He said there would be an entire month of draft switches for a full month. “It will be the most sensation thing that’s ever been done in this business,” he said. He told Orton he might be standing in a Raw ring for the last time. He recommended he start training, gain some weight, and let his hair grow out. “Good luck to you, kid,” he said. Ross told viewers to go to WWE.com for details on the Draft Lottery.
[Commercial Break]
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
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6 — EDGE vs. KANE (w/Lita) – Gold Rush Tournament Final
Someone held up a sign that said “Edge is Feces.” A small “You screwed Matt” chant began. Kane dominated early. Ross told viewers the match could be short. He told people not to make a sandwich. Edge eventually took over after a low blow and slidekick. With Kane recovering at ringside, they cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Edge remained on offense for a couple of minutes. Kane made a comeback and dropped Edge face-first over the top turnbuckle followed by a clothesline. Kane scored a soft two count. Edge went for a spear, but Kane blocked it. Edge poked Kane’s eyes and then hit a DDT for a near fall at 13:00. Edge shoved Kane into the ref, then hit his spear. The ref was too out of it to make the cover. Edge then grabbed the briefcase and charged at Kane. Kane gave Edge a big boot. Lita then shoved the briefcase to Edge and then distracted Kane on the top rope. Kane then leaped toward Edge, but Edge nailed Kane with the briefcase. Lita then got the ref and shoved him toward Edge’s cover of Kane. The ref counted to three. Lawler said, “Kane’s been screwed by his own wife.” Edge then lifted Lita into his arms. They walked away with Edge’s arm around Lita’s shoulder. Then Lita and Edge made out on the stage. Kane woke up and saw the kisses and couldn’t believe it. Ross freaked out and said Edge and Lita would pay some day.
WINNER: Edge at 12:23.
STAR RATING: ** — Okay match, but it was all about the turn at the end.
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