SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
The following report originally published 20 years ago this week here at PWTorch.com.
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW REPORT
MAY 30, 2005
LIVE FROM CALGARY, ALB.
REPORT BY WADE KELLER, EDITOR
-Jerry Lawler came out at the start of the show to host a swimsuit competition. He was the sole judge. Victoria, Christy Hemme, Maria, Candice Michelle, and Lilian participated. It was touted as Lilian’s first-ever swimsuit competition. As Lawler told her to drop her towel, Viscera’s music interrupted. He walked out and said he couldn’t stand backstage, he had to take what he wanted. “What Big Visc wants, Big Visc gets. And mama, I gots to have it!” He then danced for her Val Venis style and carried her out of the ring before she could de-towel. Lilian went willingly in body, but looked reluctant in her face. Women send such mixed signals, don’t they.
Lawler then had the rest of the women dance and pose. Victoria de-towelled to surf music as Lawler made juvenile comments. Then the rest of the women de-towelled. Then Lawler picked Christy as the winner. She reacted as if she had won Miss Universe. All of the women except Victoria applauded in the spirit of good strippermanship. Victoria left the ring in disgust, then returned a few seconds later and attacked the other women. Lawler eventually intervened, but Victoria kicked Lawler between the legs to knock him out of the way. Then she gave the Widow’s Peak to Christy. That move looks nasty. Ross said she has snapped.
[Commercial Break]
-Todd Grisham interviewed Victoria, who said she is fed up and has had it with Christy. It’s all “Christy, Chisty, Christy.” She said she should have been the one competing at WrestleMania 21, not Christy. “I’m sick of her!”
1 — HURRICANE & ROSEY (w/Stacy) vs. THE HEART THROBS — World Tag Team Title match
Stacy looked grossed out at the Ambiguously Gay Duo’s Rico/Billy Gunn hybrid dance routine. Lawler said the Throbs were hitting on Stacy backstage. Ross said that wouldn’t surprise him. The Throbs isolated Hurricane for several minutes until he hot-tagged Rosey at 3:30. Hurricane launched off of Rosey’s shoulders for a splash and a pin.
WINNERS: Hurricane & Rosey at 4:12 to retain the tag titles.
STAR RATING: * — Fine short TV match. The Throbs play up their gimmick in a campy over-the-top way that seems more suited for cheap indy show heat, not a polished national act.
-They showed Batista arriving backstage with a serious look on his face.
[Commercial Break]
-A video recap aired of Batista’s dalliance with Ric Flair.
-Backstage Eric Bischoff told Batista his hands were tied and Ric Flair and Hunter were not present. Batista said he wanted Bischoff to let Hunter know he accepts his brave challenge to fight him in a Hell in a Cell match. He said he wanted him in person next week. Bischoff said Hunter would be present for the contract signing. Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari walked in. Hassan complained about there not being fairness in WWE since he has earned a title match. Batista got in his face, said it was time someone shut him up, and told him he’d face him later in the TV main event. Bischoff agreed that was a good idea and made the match official. Daivari yelled at Batista. Batista slapped Daivari. Hassan said, “I’ll see you tonight!”
[Commercial Break]
2 — SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. SYLVAIN GRENIER vs. ROB CONWAY — IC Title three-way match.
Grenier and Conway doubled on Shelton at the start. Shelton showed fighting spirit, but was taken down in the opening minute. They stomped away at him. Ross and Lawler talked about Batista-Hassan scheduled for later. After knocking Shelton out at ringside, Grenier and Conway ended up turning on each other at 4:30 and trying to pin each other in this sudden death match. Shelton made a comeback at 5:00 with a Stinger Splash and beat Grenier with a T-Bone clean.
WINNER: Shelton at 5:50 to retain the IC Title.
STAR RATING: *1/4
[Commercial Break]
-Chris Jericho walked out, looking cooler than he has in years. Why did he wait to turn heel to actually update his look? He introduced the Highlight Reel and got a pop from the crowd. He said he almost didn’t make it to the arena on time because he had an autograph signing and the line was humongous. He apologized to the kids he didn’t get to. He told parents to bring their kids earlier because he’s a hot commodity. He said next week is the first night of the month-long draft lottery. He said as the “highlight of the night” and the “epicenter of excitement,” he is going to interview the first draft lottery pick coming from Smackdown to Raw. He said this week he has two special guests. He said one of them, some would say, is a monster with no soul, no remorse, and takes great joy in the pain and torture of others. “I’ll get to Lita in a second,” he said with a self-satisfied chuckle. He then introduced Kane.
Ross said Kane is a human being with feelings and a heart. Ross should be addressing the fact that Kane set him on fire once, and rationalize to viewers why he has forgiven him, or on the other hand refuses to trust him. That would ring more true than Ross just ignoring the situation. Jericho said he has never been dumped by a woman before, so he doesn’t know what Kane is going through. He asked Kane if she had ever shown disgust with him before. “Is this a case of your equipment malfunctioning?” asked Jericho. “Have you been suffering from premature pyro?” Kane took a deep breath. Jericho called him “Silent Bob” and told him he could say anything anytime. He offered to buy Kane a box of Kleenex and rent a tear-jerker movie so he could have a good cry. When Kane showed aggression toward Jericho, Jericho said he was just joking.
Edge appeared on the big screen and told him he doesn’t seem to be wanting to answer Jericho’s questions. He asked him what it felt like to be speared by him two weeks ago. He said for the last couple of months he’s been spearing his wife. “I don’t feel bad for what I did,” said Edge. “When Lita was making emergency phone calls to her sister in the middle of the night, she was calling me. When she was going to rehab for her knee, she was going to see me. You see, Lita needed a real man. You should be happy for her.” Lita stepped into the picture and rubbed Edge’s chest and worked her way down his abs. Then she announced that she has officially filed for divorce to make Kane her ex-husband. “So I no longer have to deal with your disgustingly sweaty body,” she said. Then she mocked his laugh and his bedroom skills. “You’re like a fourth grader in the bedroom,” she said. Then she took off her wedding ring and flushed it down the toilet. Lita faked crying as she dropped it and flushed it. Edge laughed. Kane looked hurt as Edge and Lita made out.
[Commercial Break]
-Eric Bischoff walked out to the announcers’ desk. As he began talking about the ECW PPV, the crowd chanted “ECW, ECW.” He vowed again to arrive at One Night Stand with Raw volunteers and put an end to ECW once and for all. Bischoff said Kurt Angle is gathering his own group of Smackdown volunteers to help him “end the trash that is ECW.” Bischoff said he approved a Chris Benoit vs. Edge “Tables Match” because he wanted to show that Bischoff and Raw can “out-ECW ECW any night of the week.” He introduced Edge was one of his generals in the anti-ECW army.
ARTICLE CONTINUED BELOW…
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3 — EDGE (w/Lita) vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Bischoff remained with Ross and Lawler. Ross pointed out that Benoit trained in Calgary with Stu Hart. Bischoff had the lame line of the night, saying, “It’s E-C-Double-Nothing, that’s what it is.” Bischoff said he doesn’t know what Paul Heyman did with the $500,000 Vince McMahon gave him, but it wasn’t paying wrestlers or paying bills. At 3:00 Edge had Benoit down and grabbed a table. Benoit, though, dove through the ropes onto Edge before he could get the table into the ring. A clearly audible “Holy sh–” chant began.
[Commercial Break]
Bischoff mocked Heyman for starting a new trend and being innovative was “nothing but a big joke.” Lawler told Bischoff that an ECW magazine was coming out tomorrow. Bischoff discouraged anyone from buying it. Edge countered Benoit’s attempt at a Sharpshooter. Edge finally introduced a table at 8:45. Bischoff claimed Heyman stole everything from WCW. Benoit attempted to back suplex Edge off of the ring apron onto the table at ringside. Edge attempted a counter. Benoit then suplexed Edge into the ring, then charged at Edge, but ran face-first right into Edge’s forearm. Benoit knocked Edge off the top rope, Benoit set a table up inside the ring. Benoit then set up a superplex. The crowd stood. Lita entered the ring and moved the table at 12:45, just as Benoit successfully took Edge to the mat with the suplex. Lita slid the briefcase to Benoit. Benoit gave Edge a series of German suplexes. Lita frowned at ringside. The crowd chanted “Benoit, Benoit…” Lita shoved Benoit off of the top rope. Bischoff then called for Maven and Tyson Tomko to run to the ring and attack Benoit. Lawler pointed out it was a no-DQ match. Benoit fought back. Bischoff then called Gene Snitsky to the ring. Snitsky knocked Benoit to the mat with a big boot. Benoit fell to the four-on-one attack. Edge powerbombed Benoit through the table in center ring to win the match. Bischoff stood inside the ring with a smile on his face and said he hoped Heyman was watching because it was just a small sign of what he had planned for June 12. Benoit remained contorted on the mat next to the broken table. Ross said ECW is about a lot more than tables.
WINNER: Edge at 15:31.
STAR RATING: ***
-They showed Triple H getting set up at the studios in Stamford, Conn. for his backstage promo.
[Commercial Break]
-A video recap aired of Triple H’s attack on Batista last week.
-Hunter then spoke from WWE’s TV studios. Ross asked him why he believes he deserves another title match. Hunter said he didn’t want to talk to him, he wanted to address Batista. He referred to him as “Dave” over and over. He said WWE is his world, is theater, and he had been allowing Batista to play a role. His new role is that of victim. He said he beat him and made him taste his own blood. He said that they say when you beat an animal, they either become more violent or submissive. He said he saw fear in Batista’s eyes last week. He said that is his first step. His final step is Hell in a Cell. “It is a match that can either make you or break you,” he said. “And I have made a career of ending them in that cell. Ask around, Dave. Ask Kevin Nash. Ask Mick Foley.” He added, “Don’t fear the Cell, Dave. Fear me. You will go face to face with the devil himself. He’s going to take a piece of your cell. You and I are going to hell, but only one of us is coming back – and I am coming back the World Heavyweight Champion.” The promo clocked in at five minutes. It could have been tightened up by a couple of minutes through editing and slightly faster pacing. Hunter continues to play the “strong, brave heel” role which has definite drawbacks in the sense that he shows no fear of Batista.
[Commercial Break]
-Chris Masters walked to the ring. Someone held up a sign with a picture of a jar of Vaseline and said, “I can slip out of the Master Lock.” Perhaps that fan is confused about what the “Master Lock” is. Masters raised the stakes to $10,000 American. He made fun of Canadian money being worthless. He then said since fans were so hapless, he was opening up the challenge to anyone in the locker room. Val Venis answered the challenge. They showed women in the crowd who were admiring Val’s entrance. “He’s a hell of a superstar, I’ll tell you that,” said Ross, with faint generic praise. Masters told Val he’s a huge fan of his. He said his roommate in college has every single one of his movies. He said that’s why it’d be an honor and privilege to make him pass out to the Master Lock right now. “The ladies know the Big Valbowski always gives very stiff competition,” said Val. “The question is, are you up for the challenge.” When Val sat in the chair, Master kicked him from behind and then applied the Master Lock. Val teased powering out, and even kicked off the turnbuckles and drove Masters to the mat, but he was unable to break it and eventually passed out.
[Commercial Break]
-Christian stepped out onto the stage. He talked about the Draft Lottery again. He said something is missing from Smackdown. He said they’ve got Americans (crowd boos), Mexicans (crowd boos), Japanese (crowd boos), Frenchmen (crowd boos), a giant (boos), a stutterer (boos), a dead man (cheers), and a rapping hip-hop poser champion (cheers and boos). He said the rapper couldn’t even make him quit even if he made him listen to his CD. “What they don’t have is a Canadian,” he said, as the crowd popped. “A Canadian who would kick the wholly living hell out of anyone on Smackdown.” He said after next week, he’ll either stay on Raw or give Smackdown an injection of the three C’s – Charisma, Canada, and Christian. He got a huge pop as he walked off.
[Commercial Break]
4 — BATISTA vs. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
Batista went after Hassan aggressively in the corner of the ring in the opening seconds Kevin Nash-style. Hassan rolled to ringside to catch his breath. Batista punched Daivari at ringside, but Hassan surprised Batista with a DDT as he re-entered the ring. At 2:30 Batista came back by ramming Hassan with his shoulder in the corner. When he bent over for a backdrop, Hassan kicked him in the face. Batista though slammed Hassan to the mat, then slammed Daivari off the top rope. He followed with two clotheslines on Hassan in the corner. Batista kneed Daivari in the face. Daivari bladed pretty heavily. Batista then grabbed his title belt, but the ref ordered him to put it down. When he drove his knee into Hassan’s face in the corner, the ref ordered him to break the hold. When he didn’t and the ref reached the count of five, the ref called for the bell. He continued to beat up both Hassan and Daivari. Ross said Batista wishes one of them was Triple H. Batista rammed Hassan’s face repeatedly into the floor, then bashed him with a chair. Hassan was bleeding from the forehead at this point, also. Several WWE officials tried to talk Batista into stopping his attack. The crowd chanted “Ba-ti-sta.” Batista gave the Batista Bomb to Daivari. Ross said his back may be broken. Batista then gave the Batista Bomb to Hassan.
WINNER: Hassan at 4:47.
STAR RATING: * — The match itself was short and a little clunky, as usual with Batista matches. The post-match rage that Batista showed was good, fitting the storyline of his anger at what Hunter and Ric Flair did to him last week.
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